My Life - as always

Lately I have been doing so well. Once I was really stressed about my marital status but I haven’t thought much about it. I’m not obsessing over it anymore. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still want it; it’s just not at the forefront of my thoughts these days. I’m happy about that because it really used to get me down. I always felt like I wasn’t worthy enough. Everybody who I loved or even liked didn’t feel the same way about me. I still don’t understand it. I think I’d make some “deserving” guy extremely happy. Right now I’m just chilling, waiting on whatever God has planned for me. I finally love me enough to know I deserve the world. I’m a very generous person and I only want to be with someone who has those same characteristics. We have to be equal in every aspect of our relationship. I feel like that’s the only way we could make it. Relationships have no room for selfishness. You have to communicate, be willing to compromise and make sacrifices. That’s what love is; to me anyway. It pains me to see guys with girls (and vice versa) who don’t appreciate them. She stressing about chicks he ain’t even thinking about. It’s like those girls jealous of you because you got him; why are you worried? I’m a confident woman. I’m going to flaunt my man. (If ever I get one.) Trick, you wish you could get him. Lol. An insecure girl is a total turn off to a guy. Your insecurity will push him away and there will be no one to blame but yourself.  I will never let a chick see me broken down and weak like that, not over a man. She has power over you and she's laughing at you. It’s bad enough women are constantly giving up their power to a man but giving it a woman is even worse. There are times when it’s the guy’s fault that a woman is insecure, for me, that’s something I refuse tolerate. You love me, you want to be with me, and you will respect me, bottom line. I should have no reason to stress over some other chick. I will quickly throw my hands up and walk away. I don’t have time for all the love games. I’m a single parent of three with a bunch of responsibilities that I have to stress over. Anything outside of that is irrelevant and I don’t acknowledge it. Earlier, I mentioned feeling I was not worthy enough to have real love in my life. I used to feel that way but now I have this confidence that I didn’t have before. It’s like, I’ve come into my own. I know my potential. I know I’m in a better place than I was five, ten years ago. I feel like there is so much more out there for me. I'm ready to tap in this all this energy and enthusiasm I'm feeling.  Hopefully I’ll be able to go after it when my kids are old enough to go out and get their own. I always had this dream of being a flight attendant. That’s something I would really like to pursue. I basically want to travel and I think I work well with the public. I get to travel and make money doing it. It would be hard to maintain a relationship being a flight attendant but the way I feel right now, love would have to take a back seat. However, if I came across a rich man who could provide the type of lifestyle where I can travel, I’m all for that. I can’t believe I just said love would have to take a back seat. Yes! I think I may have finally accepted the fact that love might not be in the cards for me. Oh my God, I really just had an epiphany. I’m content with where my life is right now. I can’t believe I just said that. That’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I wanted happiness but I always felt like that was too much to ask for so I said I’d settled for being content. For a long time I was so worried about what I didn’t have. Mainly being in a relationship. I thought that was the only thing missing. I had everything else. So having this feeling of contentment is something I’ve been wanting for a long time. I’m just in awe right now. Like with tears and everything. It makes me happy just to say “I’m content”. I feel like that’s crazy but it’s the truth. Wow. I blogged a few weeks ago saying I really don’t know what happened for me to be in this better place. I haven’t lost anything; I haven’t gained anything. Just because I’m not stressed about love doesn’t mean I’m not interested in someone. Junior ain’t going anywhere. I’ve told him how I felt about your relationship but like always I don’t think he’s fully grasped what I’m saying. Like last year this time, I said to him I didn’t want things with him to go back to how they used to be. I want to be able to do what I want without him feeling like I betrayed him. I don’t want to have to explain myself to him if I’m seeing someone else. I want to be able to let him know what’s going on without him getting upset. I told him just as I do what I want, he can too. I don’t care anymore. I came to the realization that even though I feel he is perfect for me, no matter what, we will never be together. I’ve accepted it and he’s not a priority for me anymore. I want to be honest. I never was good at trying to maintain more than one relationship. I’m not good at lying and trying to cover up. I’m single I shouldn’t have too. I haven’t told him about TCG and I really don’t want to. The only thing Junior needs to be concerned about is Junior. I feel like that’s where he always went wrong. As long as I’m taking care of you don’t worry about nothing else. As far as TCG goes, I really don’t know how I’m feeling about that situation. I’m numb and don’t know what to say or think. I can say TCG is very nice. I think it’s a privilege when a girl can get the kind of time from a guy that he gives me. I always say I don’t want anything from anyone that they don’t want to give me. In the seven years I've been dealing with Junior I've never gotten time like what TCG gives me. I don’t believe in CAN’T. If you want to, you can.