July 7, 2025 (Monday)

For the longest I have been trying hard to focus on my communication skills. Basic skills like making sure I speak clearly so people can hear me. I try to enunciate each word. Especially when I’m at work or holding an in-depth conversation with someone. I still need work of course. My first time speaking in front of an audience was 8^th grade. I had to recite The Preamble. I did good but I paused for a second which caused me to get a 99. I think I got nervous. I was the only black person in that class. US History and I can’t remember the lady’s name. I can see her face so clearly. She was on the heavy side. I barely passed that class. Mrs. Hough put me in all academic classes. I didn’t apply myself at all. Thinking back, she saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. My second time speaking was 11^th grade. I had to read a story I wrote. Mrs. Manning was surprised. I spoke well. Not a nervous bone in my body. Mrs. Manning always gave me good grades for my writing. When I looked over the pages, I still have, I be like this is whack.  I was young though. I wrote what I knew.  Me and Robin walking the streets thinking we grown.  Mrs. Manning sparked something in me. The love for literature. In 8^th grade we studied a few books. To Kill a Mockingbird was my favorite. In high school Emma and Wuthering Heights was my favorite. Reading and writing in my journal were my tools. I’ve been an avid writer since 9^th grade. I had so much to write about. It was an everyday thing for at the end of the day. Even when I was in school. If I felt the need to write, I’d write. I carried my journal with me back them.  I only have a few notebooks. Now I have a box full. Anyway, my momma always used to want me to speak at church during certain events. I pretty much stuck to my Easter speeches. It took awhile to get used to that. I go up but run back to my momma crying. When I took on the role as church secretary, I had to speak in front of everyone. All I did was read correspondence and announcements. I spoke on Mother’s Day one year. I don’t know if I did a good job. But I did feel the need to do it. As long as I am prepared, I love speaking in public. Now speaking to people or to a person is a whole different thing. People don’t receive information well. I’m guilty myself. It’s hard for me to focus sometimes. So, I may tune people out sometimes. When I’m talking it seems like everyone tune me out. I get so frustrated because it seems like it’s all the time. I do believe my man try to give the attention, but he will quickly change the subject if something comes to his mind. He’s not even aware of it. I don’t b&w. He good with affection so I’m never lacking when it comes to that. I never have to guess if he cares about me. The main thing is when we’re apart I don’t be sad or in despair.  I miss him but it doesn’t hurt. That’s love.  Been trying to find this for so long. I never thought it would be with an inmate. Of course, when people be locked up, they always looking for someone to hold them down. As soon as they get that taste of freedom, they forget about you. That is my biggest fear. I’ve expressed that to him more than once. He said he not going anywhere. He always said we have to main our separate homes. I really don’t mind that. He’s been living with other people for twenty-five years. I have to give him some peace.  Anyway, my family is very dysfunctional when it comes to communicating. My sister is mad at me right now because I don’t talk to her. People like her it’s best to shut and listen. You really not going to a word in. She might ask as question here and there. She went off on me saying I’m some timing and I don’t talk to her. I didn’t argue with her to tell her she doesn’t listen because she wouldn’t believe it. Our phone conversations were never a problem. My momma was the same way. Most of the time if I was talking to her, she didn’t pay me much attention. She rarely responds. Sometimes it would hurt my feelings. I never said anything to her either. No one listens anyway. I rarely explain myself to anyone. It doesn’t make a bit of difference. I’m not wasting my time. Some folks aren’t worth it. I’ll just look crazy. My sister was telling me on Mother’s Day that my momma was not going to beat cancer. It was going to quick. She kept saying I was looking at her like she was crazy. I may have been but what do you say to that. I believed her because I know she anointed with that gift. I was trying to digest it. I didn’t have any response. I was trying to comfort her. Hell I may have been doing it for myself. I just felt her pulling away from me. I reached for twice. I’m sure she don’t remember that. I felt some type of way, but I didn’t say anything. One time before she didn’t want me to touch her because I had been drinking. I didn’t say anything about that either. I know ministers like her be on some other type stuff. I will always respect that. Don’t try to make me feel inferior. Especially when it’s coming from someone who supposed to love me. At some point I didn’t really feel the love from people, and I felt the need to fall back. I was trying to put myself out there. I wanted to be more active. I was active with my class, Butler Heritage Foundation, Leadership Hartsville Class of 2023 and I did Democratic Women for a minute. I didn’t feel included at all with the democratic women. I was just a number. I thought Leadership Hartsville would be different. After we finished it was over. I did speak to the group after my class but that was it. I thought about joining one of the civic orgs in town, but the fees were a little too much for me. I really wanted to move into different circles. It didn’t work for me. I felt out of place. I did like going to the cigar lounge but after my membership ran out, I stopped going. I could just be a regular patron but that costs too. Now they were nice to me. I think they genuinely like when I came in. I always felt welcomed. I liked smoking cigars too. My man didn’t like that. I may have one here and there. Cigars don’t leave your mouth feeling yucky. Helps with anxiety too. Now more than ever, I need to keep my distance. My momma was always there for so many people. People talk about what a good person she was, but I didn’t see half the love my momma gave out when she passed. Not genuine love. People were there but that’s just what people do. I had a few people show up for me. I sent out thank you card. I did leave one person out. He don’t be thinking like that so I know he didn’t miss me not sending him a card. My man gets a pass. I’ve had a few people call or come check on me. I can count them on one hand. Another reason why I’m feeling some type of way. People always disappoint me so I’m used to it. I don’t like when people approach me and tell me they will do something for me and don’t follow through. I’m experiencing that too. I’m already feeling the struggle of paying the house bills. Ain’t nobody stepped up to help me yet. Not financially. And they won’t. I’m worried and scared I won’t be able to keep up.

I’ve always had a problem asking people for help. I think it’s because people always disappoint me. Deal call me all the time with nothing to say. I don’t even know why I answer my phone for him. Always giving him the chance to do right by me. All he does is vent about his bills. He’s over $30,000 in the hole. He got three houses. I think he trying to sell the one in Florida to get him back to good. He talk like I’m a priority but he don’t treat me like a priority. When my mom passed, he didn’t come around. He didn’t ask if I needed anything. Didn’t offer one bit of help. He knows I need it. All he wants is for me to come over. He can’t seem to help himself when he’s around me.  I maybe wrong for wanting to cut him off but he wrong for wanting something from me that I don’t want to give. A while back I wrote about getting in situations where I felt I couldn’t say no. I wanted the attention but not necessarily the sex. I’m 51 years old can’t be doing dumb stuff anymore. With Deal there have been a few times. He don’t understand what it does to me emotionally. I had the same problem with one of my baby daddies. I needed that emotional connection, and they were unavailable. I love my man cause when we are apart, I have no doubts about our relationship.  His sex don’t have me feeling like a fun girl when I leave him. I don’t feel used or sad. I’m worthy. I’m his Baby. I love that. He super sweet when he not joking and playing around. There have been many times I’ve left dudes crying because there was no time, no affection. Just getting fucked. Always looked for love in all the wrong place. Too young to realize it. My man never made me feel like damaged goods. He always tells me how much he appreciates me. Always tell me thank you just for being there. I have been sick the last three days. I think it’s my body reacting to my being gone for a month. Constipated but I haven’t felt like this in years. Pooping and throwing up. I’m miserable. Yesterday and Tuesday was hell.

Finally feeling normal. That was the longest three days. This morning was a little rough. I’m good now. I hope. Itching a little but that 24/7. I dreamed about my daddy last night and with all my dreams of him he was showing out and being difficult. We were at Piggly Wiggly. I don’t’ know why. I dream about that store a lot and Oakview when he stayed there. Dreams so crazy but I take them seriously. Several of my dreams have come to pass. The dreams I had about my momma were on point. She told me she was leaving and we’d be on our own. It was the house on the circle not Robinson Street. It wasn’t just a one-time dream either. It really bothered me. There was tension between us. That clearly came from me cause at a point I felt like she didn’t even like me. I did something to her to make her less open to me. When it was payday everything was good. Her whole demeanor changed. She didn’t like the way I did things. I felt like she always doing too much. It’s been like that all my life. I tried to explain that I wasn’t built like her. She knew that. She even told me how I was like my daddy. Not good under pressure. Not good at slaving around the house. I clean just not like she did. Vacuuming three times a day. That’s OCD. She said I was lazy but she don’t even understand how I got this way. I wasn’t always like this.  She never gave me the benefit of the doubt. Never had my back. I always used to brag about being her baby. I think after I left the presbytery office I wasn’t her baby anymore. She liked that I worked for Malloy but I noticed a change in the way she treated me. I wrote about it often in my journal. Of course, I never said anything. I was writing this for my blogger but clearly I can’t post this. My sister already said I be putting family business out there. I will add it but won’t publish it. Not now anyway. This is a little too personal. I like to live in my truth but some people don’t like their truth out there. I do protect people’s privacy but if you are in my life, I may not adhere to those rules. I will not repeat things I’m told in confidence. I don’t tote gossip because I don’t know if it true. I refuse to disturb someone’s peace over a lie. No bueno.

My First Time

 Every woman remembers her first time. At least, I hope. I didn't include men because they are irrelevant in this blog. Had an interesting conversation with my colleagues and thought this would be a good writing prompt. What led me to having sex was my friends. I felt they had done it; so I wanted and felt the need to do it.  One friend in particular seemed to need it. Looking back I think she was a nymphomaniac and to this day I don't know but I imagine she still a lil freak. Anyway it was mad drama surrounding my first time. I'm really not sure if I want to write about it but I will. So one of my friends was liking this guy. He was a senior football player. She was gone for the summer. I don't recall giving him my number but he starting calling me. I didn't know it back then but he was preying on me. So to be getting attention from a senior was huge for a "rudy-poot" like me. In-coming freshman. I don't know how long we talked but I eventually allowed him to come pick me up. He had his own car so of course I still felt like I'm winning big time. Another friend of mine was spending the night with me but she was already with her guy. He just graduated and he had a girlfriend. She was in love and never denied him. We were just having fun. Talking to boys and hanging out late. When dude picked me up we went to his house. I didn't want to go in because his mom was home. I really don't remember all the in between but we did have sex right there in the car.  Crazy cause in my mind going in the house to have sex on a bed was out of the question. His mom was home. It was late though. I cant tell you what it was like cause I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what it was supposed to be like. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't be 100% we even had sex. I don't remember anything after that. I wasn't pressed because he was supposed to be talking to my friend and he had a girlfriend. I never dealt with him again. His girlfriend found out somehow. We had a little altercation in Wal-Mart. I didn't even like him like that. Why you mad at me? I liked someone else. Drama for nothing but I guess she thought she did something.  I really didn't want to go into 9th grade "deflowered". I felt like I was the last of my friends. I had many of opportunities with my 8th grade boyfriend but with him he didn't press me. He may have been just as scared as I was. I think if he did I would have. We broke up before school ended my 8th grade year.  Looking back he should have been my first. He loved me. I was too young and dumb to realize it. Eventually we did have sex but I still was too fast for him. He was/is a good dude. We've talked from time to time over the years but never got that connection back. I thought it was so cute when he told me, "he loved himself some Nay". My coming of age years were so fun. Just like out of a movie. I was boy crazy, always has been. Always had a crush on somebody. Now, I'm just ready to settle down with one person. I don't think I want to get married. I used to want that but not so much now. I want to trust my hear to someone like that but too scared. Men get bored really quick. Junior taught me a huge lesson. 

 

Love Comes

It’s been a minute since I last wrote something for my blog. Things have been good for me. One time I felt the world was against me. I was going through it. When I got evicted that was the kicker. I had been down before but never like that.  Malloy did a number on me. First being firing me then kicking me out his house. He denied me getting unemployment. He had the nerve to tell me he’d give me a recommendation. I don’t want nothing for you. I wanted to go in on him but I’m glad I didn’t. He already called me typical. I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I want to see him though. I want him to look me in my eyes.  As they say one monkey don’t stop no show. In his case let’s replace monkey with asshole. Anyway, as I said I’ve been good. I am happy to say when it comes to Junior it doesn’t hurt anymore. In fact, I’ve finally let go and moved on. I have been filled with the time and attention I so greatly desire. I don’t want to get carried away. In the past I’ve thought I had finally found my something special and he turned out to be a toad.

I’m not going into detail about it right now. It’s too soon. My sister always said keep somethings to yourself. Just me mentioning it is bad enough. We are taking things slow. Lord willing, we have got plenty of time. Now I just need to find a place to stay. I’ve been with my momma since September 1 and she is tired of us. She not used to people staying this long. For me I like my own space. She has a lot of rules. I itch when I go to the restroom and when I fix something to eat. I know it’s my OCD. I cringed at the things I see sometimes. He’ll I was like that on Sumter Avenue. I don’t correct nothing because she set in her ways. I’m not trying to disturb anything. It’s reasons she does the things she do and I’m not messing with nothing of hers. As far as the dude that was in my lift, I want to be done with him. He is not worthy of me. I almost feel obligated because he’s done so much for me. Lately he has been slacking. He just gives instructions. I don’t want that. I want him to do it. He is always doing something for someone else. He had o ne job Tuesday and he half assed at that. What do I need him for. He acted as if I didn’t break things off with him. I’ve told him many times. I can’t with him.  He always act like nothing’s a big deal. I don’t want him. Not interested in any way. He is not worthy. Nothing has changed with Kash. Luckily, I saw they were having a book fair. I went to the school so he could get something. He was happy. He told me they block me. He called me a few times from a tablet. I’d watch him play the game. My boy so grown up. I love him. I always used to feel like something was missing. I felt lost. It is not the case anymore. My lonely days are gone. It’s a much better feeling. Long time coming. Thank you, Lord. I love you.

He dumped me March 10  

Devastated  

He gave me everything I wanted only to snatch it away.

He came back.   

2024 - A lil too personal. No one reads my blog anyway.

Going into this new year with a clean slate. Roster about to be vacant. Just as soon as dude gets back from home. I can’t deal with how he wants to live his life. I don’t have too. Just like he doesn’t have to change his ways for me to stick around. I’m going to try and bow out gracefully but because I’m so jealous, can’t see myself doing that. I want to make a big deal of it. I don’t want him to try to reason with me. It’s lies. He will never stop chasing “stuff”. I like attention and I will never get that from him.  I get what he identifies as moments. I deserve so much more. It's now been a week since I heard from him. Part of me wants to call him just to see what the hell is going on. What is his explanation for ghosting me. There is nothing he can say that will make me understand. My phone been off for two days. Another reason why I'm cutting him loose. That girl is the third reason. It's about five altogether, maybe more. But I'm so serious. I can't go on like this.  There was another guy who liked me too. So he said but I let him know that I'm NOT ready for a sexual relationship. Especially not with him. I didn't tell him that part. I need some excitement in my life and he ain't it. Plus he don't spend money. He got a good job. Good catch for someone, just not me. I don't think his words match his actions. I called Junior phone on my birthday. I was able to get out one sentence before he hung up on me. I got my feelings hurt. I said, "today my birthday". I should have said the other three words. I was caught off guard because he answered. I called from my work phone. I'll never do that again. I have been having a rough time since October. Actually June when I lost my job. I feel shaded by my family. Even my boys treat me like crap most of the time. Only one who shows me love is Adrianna. Consistent and nonstop. I've fallen back from everyone. My family even notices it and of course they taking it personal. But I'm just reciprocating what I feel from them. 

January 10, 2024

My grandbabies are a bright spot but I can't see them like I want. Maybe my expectations are too high. I really want to just stay in that back room with my candle, my beer, and my rolled up in my blanket. Good food when I want it and my medicine when I need. Maybe a cigar here and there with a sip of E&J from my uncle. Lol.

Just A Little Tenderness

Netanyia Golden Samuel loves Isiah Hudley, Jr. this 6^th day of December in the year of 2023.  I keep saying for my birthday I want to see him. I don’t need to say anything to him. I just want to witness his beautiful presence and say, “there goes My Hero, My Man, My Love”. I always loved to just look at him. It made him uncomfortable. I just couldn’t help it. I was amazed by him, mesmerized by his aura. I’d give almost anything to feel his tenderness. Me sitting between his legs with his arms wrapped around me. My head on his chest, my face touching his. His soft kisses on my temple. His hands on my thighs. I can hear him saying, “you know you my baby”. Remembering him when he tell me he’ll never forget. Believing when we were apart, he was missing me. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I knew this would be hard to deal with. Especially having to restrain from acting on my emotions. Every single day I say, “I miss my man” or “I need my man”. It so hard because it’s not like he’s dead. He is 40 minutes down the road. I think my car stays down just so I can’t waste my gas going to his town.  I used to go once a month. Anyway, I was bored and thinking about him.  This is a tough month for him. His dad died on Dec. 10.A grandmother he loved dearly passed Dec. 27. Then it’s my birthday that I’m sure he tries not to think of. Maybe he did forget that. The one bright thing is his son’s birthday which is Dec. 8. I'm done, peace out. What do the lonely do at Christmas? I love decorating but other than that it’s just another shitty day in suck city. Bah motherfucking hum-bug.

It brings a tear
Into my eyes
When I begin
To realize
I've cried so much
Since you've been gone
I guess I'll drown in my own tears

I sit and cry
Just like a child
My pouring tears
Are runnin' wild
If you don't think
You'll be home soon
I guess I'll drown, oh yes, in my own tears

I know it's true
Into each life
Oh, some rain, rain must pour
I'm so blue
Here without you
It keeps raining
More and more

Why don't you
Come on home
Oh yes, so I won't
Be all alone
If you don't think
You'll be home soon

I guess I'll (drown in my own tears)
Ooh, don't let me (drown in my own tears)
When I'm in trouble, baby (drown in my own tears)
Oh, yeah, baby don't let me (drown in my own tears)
I guess I'll drown in my own tears
Oh, hmmm

 

 

 

This would be me because I love him and he don't love me. He never will.

 

Letter to the man who treated me as an option

If I had to describe what I experienced with you with a single word, that word would definitely be “wait”.

I was always waiting for something: that you are ready, that you stop being afraid of engagement, that you answer my messages, that you call me, that you choose me, that you are sure about us and, the list can go on and on.

If I had let you continue in and out of my life, I would still be waiting.

I could have given us millions of chances and maybe I did, I think the result would have been the same – it would never have worked because you would never have changed, you never would never have loved as I deserved, as I loved you.

Saying this does not make things easier but allows me to face reality once and for all.

I wasted too much time, hoping that you would eventually come, see me and understand how good we could have been together if you had given us a chance.

But you have never been able to, have you? You were emotionally disturbed, so scared of love that your only option was to keep me as far from your heart as possible.

You never talked too much, not important things at least. But those rare occasions when you opened up to me were the ones that pushed me to fall in love with you.

You hugged me so tightly, kissed me so passionately that I couldn’t help but think that you had sincere feelings for me. On those rare occasions, you were everything I had always dreamed of but the rest of the time, you were so distant …

I believe you did what was necessary to keep me close to you, but never close enough. This “necessary” worked for a while.

You knew you could always come back to me, no matter how many days we hadn’t seen each other, you knew I couldn’t do anything, except to let come back. You saw how deep my love was and you benefited from it.

I have never been the first of your priorities and it is something that you have proven to me a thousand times through your words and your actions. I was satisfied with crumbs, crumbs of attention and affection.

It was my biggest mistake, because I allowed you to treat me poorly. By being satisfied with this, I have become a simple option and it is impossible to accept being less than that in the eyes of someone who is our priority.

By being content with far less than I deserved, I never stopped hurting myself. By staying by your side, I never stopped breaking my own heart.

You kept telling me the stories I wanted to hear.

The most frequent being the one in which we end up together, one day when the timing is right; why spoil what we had, why need a label, why would people need to know about us.

You never stopped telling me about it and I kept believing you and even today, I don’t know why.

I suppose that when our heart is too invested, we cannot count on our common sense or our own eyes to see reality in the face.

My tears, many tears were the only thing capable of opening my eyes. As soon as I thought of you, I felt like I had hit a brick wall.

I gave you everything from me, my love, my understanding, my respect and my commitment and you never tried to do the same. You just took me for granted and assumed I would always be there.

Trust me, I thought the same thing for a while. But there was a revealing moment, which allowed me to see clearly.

It allowed me to understand that, if I stayed with you, in this atmosphere of “emotional lift”, I would fall ill.

Whenever I felt like we were going somewhere, you let me down. Whenever I believed in your promises, you disappointed me.

Whenever I was happy with something you had done, I paid the price in pain. That’s why, I had to put an end to it all.

I had to stop letting you treat me like this. I had to have enough respect for myself not to allow you to come back. I had to stop wasting my time and realize that you would never be ready.

I had to protect my heart because it couldn’t bear you to keep going in and out of my life.

I had to put my feelings for you aside and remember what I deserved. I had to move away from you to find myself, love myself and be happy again.

I had to become my first priority for you to stop treating me as an option.

My Man

MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!!!

Do You Wanna Ride

Life is a highway we travel daily. These dudes they don’t want to ride so you just pick them up and put them out along the way. They not going anywhere, they have no destination, they not trying to ride life with you. They for everybody and when you put them out they wait for the next car to come along.   

Do you wanna ride with me?

Don't Disturb My Groove

I'm sure you guys have read something similar to this somewhere: If a woman gives you a chance, please make the most of it. Do not disturb her peace with your silly school boy games. Let her be. If you start serious, stay serious. Woman love consistency. No flip floppers. No back and forth. If you mess up, you may never get another chance. A strong woman never needs a man. She is not desperate for the attention like you think she is. A strong woman can entertain herself, if she chooses too. Another point, never think you are smarter than she is. She will play you and show you just how ignorant you are. Never try to manipulate her or make her think she crazy. We can show you crazy but a lot of us have great restraint because we know you are not worth it. We have pride too. I know this isn't all women. Some of you are desperate and will let a man play you, dogg you, and cheat on you in your face. You not me; bless your heart.