Been meaning to post a blog for a minute. I have to give at least a monthly update. The last two posts I talked about how happy I’ve been. Whelp, those days are gone. I told Junior I’ve definitely relapse. I think it was a combination of things. Stuff just kept piling up until I just completely shut down. With some time to myself to think and rationalize everything, I got through it. I always bounce back but when you’re in it, it’s an overwhelming feeling. I’m not back to that happiness. The way I feel now is the norm for me. That happiness wasn’t normal but it felt really good to be there. Junior and I spent Christmas Eve and some of New Year’s Eve together. Christmas Eve was very good. I felt we had an understanding about our relationship. When I saw him New Year’s Eve things were back to our normal. I was so confused when he left because of the understanding I thought we reached. It’s fine with me because of the situation. I felt like he put his heart in my hands and it was clear to me that my job was to take care of it. I know that I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do. I’ve been having some trouble at home. If I feel I am being taken advantage of normally I will just cut that person off. When it’s a child who takes advantage of you it’s different, how do you give up on your own flesh and blood. The other day I decided that I gave it my all and I can’t make someone do something that they are not going to do. At the same time I don’t have to deal with it either. Life is too short to be stressed and I refuse to let anyone cause me unnecessary stress. If I wasn’t so vulnerable it would be easier. I get tired of always having to suck it up and be that strong black woman. Life shouldn’t always have to be a struggle. I’ve been thinking about doing something special for myself for my 40th birthday. I wanted to have a huge party. I had started planning but now I’m having second thoughts. I still have plenty of time. That was the whole point of me planning now so I can start putting money aside for it. I can always just getaway but to someplace like Vegas or MIA. I’ve decided to not see TCG anymore. He was so sweet and nice to me but it wasn’t what I wanted. I love clean breaks. I told him, he said ok and that was it. Some may say he probably never cared but if I cared it wouldn’t be so easy for me to walk away. I have no regrets; I had fun with him. Thanksgiving night was awesome. We’re good, no hard feelings. Work is crazy and will be for awhile. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Trust me, I want to vent but I’m not going to. I look forward to 2012. I’m planning on CIAA, Bike Week, family reunion, and class cruise. I hope I make it to all of them. I deserve a little something. I can’t get what I want so I have to get something out of this life. I’m tired of existing; I want to live a little.
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