It's February

I needed to write so bad so I decided to do a blog post for February. I have had a lot going on over the last 30 days. Last week I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt because of my son. My middle one I’m very particular about because he is so much like me. I know what I was going through when I was his age so I put in extra effort  to make sure he is ok. I told him he had to leave because I couldn’t get him to do anything I asked. He wouldn’t keep his area clean, he didn’t do his chores around the house. All he thought about was himself and it pissed me off. At that time I was stressing over taking care of him and he can’t even help me out around the house. I’ve stressed it over and over so many times but he just would not do anything. When I was his age I had responsibilities around the house. There was never at time when I didn’t clean up or do something my momma asked me to do. It was a given. School work too. My momma didn’t have to stay on me about my grades. I did what I had to do to graduate, that was my responsibility. I always stress the importance of getting an education, you got to do it whether you like it or not. These kids nowadays are so much different from when I was kid. You have to put in much more time, attention, and effort to keep them on the right track. After Damian graduated I felt like I had to be doing something right, he made it. Damian and Roc are totally different though. Roc needs a structured environment. I haven’t been giving him that. So now he’s at his dad’s with Avanti and as much I miss him I think that is where he needs to be. They are constantly on him and that’s what he needs. I was so mad at him in the beginning that when I kicked him out I really didn’t think twice about it. But after time went by I started to really feel guilty about that I did. I stressed to him that I always got his back no matter what and I felt like I abandoned him. Just left him out there hanging like I just didn’t care what happened to him. We talked and I told him everything I was feeling. He seems to be fine and I hope he isn’t holding any grudges against me. I told him being at his dad’s is what he needs. I like the person he is when he’s over there. He cleans, he studies, takes out the trash without anyone having to say anything to him.  I love my son and I just want what’s best for him.  I had to think about La too cause she acts just like him and that’s not good. She sees what he does. I tried to stress that to him too.  I told her she’s going to be out the door next. Lol. I haven’t been taking good care of myself lately. I told Junior I needed to talk to him. Because he loves me I feel I need to tell him some personal things. As I’ve said so many times he has never been the type to express his feeling so when he does say something sweet to me it is HUGE, Last week he sent me an email and said “I need my baby”. That is MAJOR coming from him. Never ever said anything like that to me. I don’t like sending or receiving happy holiday texts but I always send an email to him. I sent a gif “I love my man” and typed STILL. He responded with Love U Too.  He will forever be in my life. I believe in the love we have for each other. I am so flawed, he knows it and he still loves me. I’ve hurt him over and over and he never left me.  I’ve walked away and he always let me come back. I hope he knows that if things were different I would be totally for him. I really believe I had relapsed but I’m fine now. I think that’s all part of it. You can go from high to low so quickly. The month has been good even though it’s the time of year I don’t like. Robin has been gone for nine years. I eventually broke down. Thinking about her and my daddy. Then the guilt of Roc being gone. That’s why I thought I was about to have a breakdown. Robin was a major part of my life, we been friends since elementary. I miss her strength and courage. I miss her talking trash.  The dreams aren’t enough for me.  I wish I could bring her back because there are good times we got to have together. I be around her family and all I’m thinking is “Man, I wish Robin was here” She is the one thing missing. I miss having that one true friend.