Just a Baby Daddy?

 After having a good conversation with my youngest child’s father, I thought about my current relationships with all my kid’s fathers. I thought it would be good to do a blog post about them. With every blog I write I keep it 100 and this one is no different. I’m not out to hurt anybody or upset anybody. This is my opinion of how our relationships are and used to be. I have every right to feel the way I want. It’s my life and I do it my way.

  Avalon Kendrick Davis – we are finally at the point where we are civil. I want to even say we are friends now. We had never been friends before. In high school I hated him. I guess I thought I was better; I was out of his league that for sure. As you get older you let go of your petty ways. I finally could tolerate him enough to speak to him. Then we’d converse whenever we saw each other in passing. It got to where he came over to see me a few times, then it crossed that line. Not long after that I was pregnant. I was four months pregnant when we completely stop speaking to each other. That’s how it was up until I had my baby in September. For the next five years we were off and on. When we were off, we didn’t speak at all. We’d go months at a time. I was so in love with him. I called it “Stupid Love” because no matter who he was with, how much he hurt me, or denied me and my baby it didn’t matter. I loved him and I dared anybody say a negative thing about him to me. All this time he never loved me and I knew that but I didn’t care. I knew he loved someone else and as much as it hurt me I couldn’t be mad at him. Love is love and you can’t help who you love. I must say I was thankful for the day when I didn’t love him anymore. That unrequited love is a painful thing and my heart hurts for anyone who goes through that. I always wanted my daughter to have the relationship with her dad that I had with my daddy. Sadly she doesn’t and after talking to him the other night he opened my eyes to some things that help me understand why he keeps his distance. I’m not saying its right but we all have our own way of thinking. He does it to protect himself. I don’t like it but I respect it. He could have told me a bunch of bs but he was honest. I think through that conversation we can build on our relationship and that would help with their relationship also. I do want to be clear that he has stepped up to the plate anytime I’ve needed him. They have done a good job helping me with clothes and things she’s needed. They’d babysit for me. Anything I asked for I got. I let him know that if anything ever happened to me I wanted him to take care of her. I want him to give her that love that I gave her. He agreed and I trust he’ll do a good job. I’m all about letting go of petty stuff and moving on. I don’t do drama in my life and me being mad at him for not being the kind of father I wanted him to be is something I can’t change. I’ll do what I’ve been doing for the past twelve years and keep it moving.

Timothy Wilson McCray - of all my kid’s fathers I know without a doubt that Tim loves me. Anything I ask him to do for me or my kids he never hesitates. He helps me around that house if I need it. He mostly just does what needs to be done without me even asking. I think because I’m single all my kids father should look out for me like this but they don’t. Tim goes above and beyond. I thank God for him. There was a point in our relationship where we hit a rough patch. I think it lasted about ten years. I thank God he’s found his way. He is an awesome example for my son. Tim helps everyone in anyway he can. He’s a deacon in the church and I think he’s serves his church and community very well. I think he enjoys it and you can tell it comes naturally. He is a people person and talks to any and everybody wherever he is. Clearly him being “Tim Blem” is his gift and purpose in life. He’s always going on and on about me and what a good person and good mother I am. He is so proud to call me his son’s mother and that makes me feel good. He makes me feel like I am an awesome mother. I think I do ok but it’s nice to hear him compliment me all the time. I don’t get that from the other two. I loved Tim. I think it was a different type of love than what I felt for Avalon. We actually were a couple unlike me and Avalon. I went through hell to be with him. I literally fought to be with him. Once I got him it was good for awhile but it didn’t last long after that. There were issues between us that led me to cheat. I felt bad about cheating but I don’t regret it. Even if things would have been different back then I still don’t think we would have been together now. I’m a different person now and my needs are just as different. All through my pregnancy Tim took very good care of me. He was the only one of my kid’s fathers that did doctor visits with me. The only one who was in labor and delivery with me. He was with me when my water broke. He was there the whole time. With all my kids I put a bunch of stuff on layaway at Walmart, he was the only one that help me. He paid for the whole thing, $400 worth of stuff. He was working at McDonald’s then so he did what he had to do for his family.

Roderick Bernard Blakney – I saved him for last because we were together the longest and our friendship extended far beyond our break up. When I was with Tim I cheated and left him for Moo-Moo. I went through a lot of drama with Moo-Moo. He cheated our whole relationship. The majority of it I found out about after we broke up. We weren’t together long before I got pregnant. Too funny, because me and his then girlfriend got pregnant at the same time. We had our babies exactly two weeks apart. He was back forth between us for two years. She eventually moved on from him. She was the smart one of course. I wasn’t the only one but I was the main one. Whenever I did find out he was cheating on me he always maintained his love for me. If I’d hear things about him I’d ask him but I believed everything he told me. I was a complete and total fool because I believed that South Carolina State’s most popular basketball player was not cheating on me. Later he told me whenever I’d go down to visit him at school those hoes hated it. Everything ceased when Nay was in town. I guess that’s why I believed he wasn’t cheating. I never had anyone to disrespect me or give me reason to believe otherwise. *SEE FOOTNOTE* I’m glad he did have that much respect for me. I didn’t go down there a lot cause he was always on the road. We had some trials in our relationship that both of us couldn’t get past. Breaking up was hard to do but leaving each other alone completely was even harder. Through it all we remained good friends. For years he was the closest thing I had to a friend. When I went through all the drama with Avalon during my pregnancy Moo-Moo had my back. He defended me against the lies Avalon was telling everyone. Moo-Moo was there and he knew the whole story. I really appreciated how he had my back. Moo-Moo was really upset with me for even getting involved with Avalon and letting him dog me out the way he did. He felt I deserved better than that. I went from his #1 to being on someone’s team. Moo-Moo always told me that I was so smart but I always managed to make the dumbest decisions when it came to guys. I remember him asking me a question about Avalon and when I hesitated to answer he was so pissed at me. It was pertaining to how much I loved Avalon. I was a fool in love. Moo-Moo did a job good taking care of me and the kids financially when he started making good money. I or my son didn’t get everything we wanted of course. For a long time after we broke up I knew he still loved me. I still loved him. Even through my relationship with Avalon and Junior, Moo-Moo was still special to me. My loyalty was always with him no matter what. Whatever he wanted from me or asked of me I’d give him. That lasted all the way until summer 2009. After that there was no more friendship. It ended just like that. He got re-engaged to his now and wife and in 2010 they got married. I supposed he had to end our friendship because he got married but to treat me the way he does now is something that I’m having a very difficult time with. We were so close and we talked almost every day for hours at a time when he was off playing ball. We were friends. Then, he always treated me like I was more than a baby momma and I was proud of that. Now that my son is living with him, I’m not even that. They don’t discuss anything with me about my son. It’s like I don’t even exist. My son went to stay with them in January. Until then I did everything. I raised my son. I’m totally devastated by the way he treats me. Moo-Moo has dogged me in the past. Things I feel were unforgiveable but I never held a grudge against him. It took him a long to time to finally assume responsibility and apologize to me. At the time I felt it was sincere. He doesn’t know how I feel now and I really don’t think he would care if he did. I’m irrelevant to him. Sometimes I feel like he took my friendship for granted just so I wouldn’t drag him in child support like the other baby momma did. She was the smart one. Again, me trying to be the friend. At times he’d be so mean to me and I’d question, why am I still trying to be his friend. At times he made it clear what he thought of me. If I would have dragged him, life would have been better for me and my kids. That’s not my style though. Life has been good but it’s also been a struggle these last six years. Like the relief I felt when I didn’t love Avalon anymore I’m waiting on that same relief when Moo-Moo’s friendship doesn’t matter to me anymore. When she first got here I tried being his wife’s friend. He’s the reason why that didn’t happen. He’d never own it though. I think she’s a nice person. I am genuine with her whenever I see her. I felt the she was genuine with me until recently. I’m not jealous she’s Moo-Moo wife. I don’t want her man. I miss my friend. I think about the first ten years of their relationship, why would I be jealous? I think about him now, why would I be jealous? I’m single but I have peace of mind. I lost two friends because of her. If those two were truly my friend it would still be that way. It sounds like I blame her but I don’t and I’m not mad at her; I’m mad at them. I went though the same thing with Step but I’m over that now. It bothered me for years before I finally said something. Once I talked to her I thought things would be different/better but it got even more distant. That relationship is dead as far as I’m concern. Because me and Moo-Moo always maintained a good friendship, I never imagined us being like strangers. When he got married, people were asking me how I felt. It’s was like somebody close to me died or something. Like I was supposed to be in mourning or something I was happy for them. I was looking for my own something special. I wasn’t concerned with him or her. We were still somewhat friends then so Moo-Moo knew I wasn’t secretly obsessing over him. My boyfriend at the time was coming at me with all kind of crazy “he say, she say”. It amazed me that people thought we were still messing around even after he got married. Part of me thought the boyfriend was lying just to see what I would say. As if I would actually admit it. If I was still messing with Moo-Moo I damn sure wouldn’t have been dealing with him. Why bother with a chicken nugget when I got a Big Mac? Duh. Anyway here we are now. It is what it is. I know I’ll get over losing him as a friend. I wish it would come sooner rather than later.

I think I have a good relationship with everyone from my past. I hold no grudges. We all make mistakes in life. We grow and move on. If I really wanted to I could really hurt some people. I’ve hurt so much and been so mad at times that I wanted to copy my journal and send it. Because I hurt I wanted them to hurt too. For what though? In the end it’s not worth it. I hoped all my kid’s father would be proud of me because I never was that “crazy baby momma”. I thought that would count for something. I want there opinion of me to be “oh Nay, she good people”. I did go through a phase with Tim and Moo-Moo where I wouldn’t let them see the boys. It was short so their relationships didn’t suffer. That was when they weren’t helping me though so that was justified. I think Avalon is proud of me in his own way but he’s never told me. I boast on all three of them as if I’m their only baby momma. That’s “my” baby daddy, like I got special rights or something. Moo-Moo married now so my rights are gone when it comes to him. I know for a fact that Moo-Moo never dogs me to anyone. Whatever ill feelings he has or had towards me he’s never broadcast to anyone. Maybe to his wife, if ever, but that’s his other half. If he’s frustrated with me I expect him to share that with her. It’s probably something he already told me himself. I know Tim always speaks well of me. Like I said he’s always bragging about me to people. I don’t think Avalon discuss me period. I don’t think I’m ever on his radar screen. That’s just his personality though. That’s the way it is with Moo-Moo now. I genuinely love my baby daddies. I wish them a life of health and wealth. My only connection at this point with them is the child that I share with them. Not that they think this but I’m not a threat to any of their significant others. Been there done that and I’ve moved on from that. As I said, I’m focused on me, my kids and my life. I’m not trying to take anyone’s something special to make it my own. I want my something special to come to me the right way so I won’t have to worry about karma knocking on my door in the future. I’ll be 39 in a few weeks and I do feel like time is running out on me. I’m not chasing love but I am hoping to find it. I’ve come to realize that I need a man who is strong enough to deal with me having three baby daddies. Some men think that your kid’s father always has the right to come back and tap every now and then. Nah, Netanyia doesn’t agree with that. If I do let a baby daddy tap it’s because I want him too not because he feels it’s his right too. When I tell my man that I love my baby daddies he’s not going to have doubts about my fidelity. If I’m with him he has to be secure and know that he got me. Yeah she may love them but she’s in love with me. Her mind, her heart, and her soul are mine. Some men can be so ignorant and not know the difference. Friday was the first time in a long time that I told Avalon I loved him but he’s knows I meant that I love him because he’s Adrianna’s daddy and I appreciate that we don’t have conflict anymore. Him and I are a work in progress. I wouldn’t change a thing about me and Tim’s relationship. We always look out for each other. He’s the “bestest” baby daddy ever. I don’t think Moo-Moo and I will ever be close like we used to be but I’m ok with that. I do miss our friendship but losing friends is apart of life. Some losses just hurt more than others.

1.Footnote:

I was reading a blog post about my baby daddies and I  wasn’t exactly honest when I said “I never had anyone to disrespect me or give me reason to believe otherwise” when it came to my relationship with Moo-Moo. There was one incident which is what I couldn’t get past and what caused me to want to leave the relationship. In March 1997, I just got my first decent income tax return. I hadn’t seen Moo-Moo because it was basketball season, he was on the road a lot so I  made a last minute decision to go see him one Saturday afternoon. He knew I was coming so I didn’t just pop up. Looking back I probably ruined someone’s plans but Moo-Moo didn’t tell me no. He didn’t have any reason too. I’m your girl, we haven’t seen each other in weeks of course you want me to come see you, right. Little did I know….I had my friend Angel was with me so she Moo-Moo, EF and I went to the club. Moo-Moo went off to get drinks and a group of girls come up to us and wants to know which one is Nay. I can’t remember exactly what the girl said to me but she let me know my boyfriend/baby daddy was having a baby with this girl over there. Before I could respond to her, Moo-Moo walked up and I said to him “you got this bitch pregnant”. Moo-Moo and EF pushed the girls off. I really can’t remember what I said to him but I know I wasn’t going to let this girl think she got me worried. We danced drank and partied like it was all good. Moo-Moo was very upset though. We took a picture together and his expression tells it all. After we left the club we stayed in his dorm room. I cried my eyes out wondering and listening to “How Could an Angel Break My Heart”. It was later when I found out that Moo-Moo had an emotional relationship with this girl and when she had her baby he still had a relationship with them and didn’t tell me. He was leading a life in Orangeburg, Columbia and Hartville. He made me think she wasn’t an issue. It’s wasn’t that serious. When this girl knows what my boyfriend is feeling and I don’t that’s a problem. March 1998 Moo-Moo is in Norfolk, VA at the MEAC Conference. I call him and told him that I’m done with him. I couldn’t handle the fact that it was more than just sex with them. She knew him intimately and that hurt me. I was angel but my indiscretions were nothing compared to all the chicks he dealt with when I thought he was being faithful to me. Not to mention him trying to get at my friends behind back. Breaking up was really hard to do with him. If I have to say the official break up was September 1998 but it didn’t stop until September 2008.