Share My World January 9, 2013

My favorite pastor came into the office yesterday and he set aside some time for me so we could talk about me. I love talking to him because even though he’s a minister I feel he doesn’t judge me and if I did lie to him I think he’d be able to see right through it. When I talk to him I keep it honest. He knows things my momma doesn’t know; she doesn’t know a lot about me. There isn’t one person in my life that I tell “everything” to but him. If he don’t know it, it’s because it’s never came up in our conversations. We’ve talked about everything and anything. I appreciate our talks because he’s old and wise in the ways of the world, in the ways of a man too. He gives me guidance about men and the way their minds work but I’m think I’m pretty good at reading men. My problem is I just ignore things I shouldn’t. I don’t put any effort into trying to keep any man. I can’t make anybody do something they don’t want to do. I know, if a man gave me a chance, I’m going to give him the time and attention he needs from me. I hate rejection and I don’t like to set myself to be rejected. I rarely ever ask any man for anything. I’ve never depended on a man to do anything for me except Moo-Moo. He may think I’ve asked a lot of him but I don’t considering we were involved. What he did is what’s required in my opinion.  I love that I am a strong black woman. I love knowing I don’t need a man. It’s so easy to give up but because I haven’t I feel a sense of power. I always thought women were much emotional stronger than men. We go through so much just because we are women. We got men to deal with, some of us have kids to deal with and then we have our own responsibilities to ourselves. We walk around with so much weight; we don’t have a choice but to either be strong or breakdown and be weak. I do it for my kids. I just don’t believe anyone will love them the way I do. I don’t want them to have a sad story to tell if someone asks them about their momma. I wanted to say parents but I’m going to take all credit. I’ve put the time in being a momma. No one can ever take that away from me. My babies love their momma just as much as I love them. All our times haven’t been good but that’s life. Everything can’t always be roses. Every so often God puts extra weight on us to make sure we stay on our toes. I stumble, I fall but I get back up. My kids depend on me to provide and I have to do that until they can provide for themselves. My oldest has a job but he’s still trying to figure out what he wants to do in life. He and I both think he needs to go to school. I let Hartsville trap me. I left but came back after two months. I actually wore a pin on button that said “I love Hartsville”.  Things were so different back then. The men were different back then. They knew they had to provide. Now, these dudes ain’t giving up nothing. Stress and a lil wetness between the legs but that’s it. From my experience with men, if you waiting on them you’ll be waiting a long time. I don’t want to dogg everybody because there are still some good guys out there. I’ve just never had the pleasure of dating one. I always attract a certain kind of guy. It never fails. I wonder why. Talking to my favorite pastor he told me I just have to keep waiting on the right one. I can do that but what do I do in the meantime.  In the meantime, I’m gon do what I do. I got to have some type of life. I can wait but I can’t sit around and do nothing in the meantime. The question, is that waiting? Do I have to be doing absolutely nothing for it to be considered as waiting? CRAZY. Every chance I get to be topped off I’m gon take it if it’s something I want. I didn’t go into detail about life everything was just general.  I just want to love and be loved back. I went to the beach to bring in the New Year.  January 1, 2013 12:00 a.m. I was at Club Heat in Myrtle Beach with strangers. I don't know if that will have any impact on “my” 2013. People always saying, "if you do this, that's what your year will be like”. I did hug some lady though. I don't mind going out by myself but there are certain times when I want chill with certain people. It's rare I can get things to go the way I want them to.  Anyway I enjoyed my time away from Hartsville. Myrtle Beach is my run to spot when I need a break. I love the beach. I enjoy going alone but I do want to go with a crew that will party.