After listening to the Robin and Tiffany podcast I was filled with so many different emotions. Hearing what happened on February 2, 2003 got me thinking about my upbring. I remember vividly writing my momma a letter asking her why we weren’t close. Mothers and daughters are supposed to be like best friends. I’m supposed to be able to come to her about anything that’s bothering me. During my up bring I can’t remember my momma telling me she love me. I don’t remember her giving me a hug. I’ve never seen my momma cry. I guess that’s just the type of person she is. She didn’t give me the birds and the bees talk. I don’t remember us sitting down and talking about me, her, or life. When she left my daddy it was like “you can go with me or stay here with him.” My daddy didn’t have a job and he was an alcoholic so I made the smart choice. For the longest I wondered why I’d have periods of depression. They always say it’s something from your childhood. I had a momma and a daddy in the home, at least til I was 15. I didn’t relate my momma’s lack of affection as the source of my issues. After my momma left my daddy I didn’t get affection. I know she loved me but now I think she’s just like Ms. Phyllis, she showed her affection by providing. My momma was a very good provider. I didn’t like that me and my mom didn’t have that closeness like me and my daddy. I didn’t start getting close to her until after my first son was born. Because of the lack of affection I didn’t receive, I went looking for it in the wrong places. Wanting to feel affection, wanting to be loved so badly, you fall for the sweet nothings guys whisper in your ear. I fell time after time after time for bs. Because I wanted that attention, I made so many bad choices. All I wanted was to be loved but in my naivety, all I got was WHAM BAMMED. Women also make the mistake that WHAM BAM will eventually lead you to love. Some of us get lucky but the rest just gets fucked. I love my momma to death. I think she is an amazingly strong woman. She takes care of me and my kids but at the same time I have to hold her responsible for not giving me the affection I needed in my teenage years. I’m totally the opposite of her because I tell my kids all the time how much I love them. I’m a very affectionate person and they know it because I show it. I’m not a very good provider. It’s a struggle trying to take care of them. All they get is the basics from me when it comes to the tangible things they need in life. As a parent I wish I was more financially stable. I want them to have the things they want, reasonably of course. I’ve always had Christmas as a kid; my kids haven’t had the joy of waking up Christmas morning to a room full of clothes and toys in over six years. Walmart doing away with there lay-a-way help contribute to that. As a parent that hurts me to the core. I feel like a bad mother because I can’t give them things they want. It’s even things like money for going to movies with friends, or going out to eat with friends, field trips, and school pictures. I did all that stuff when I was young. Roc sits home every weekend because I never have any money. When I was his age I was always going and doing things with my friends. I want my kids to have the experiences I had and also do things I haven’t got the chance to do but because of the lack of funds, they can’t. They don’t get mad at me. They know if I was in a better place I would do more for them. It hurts me though. I’m glad I don’t have the mentality that Mrs. Phyllis and my momma had about raising children. Kids need to see, hear, feel and know that they are loved so they can grow up and have healthy relationships with people. I give mine that. I want them to know what love is. People forget or get love confused and I want my kids to always know the difference. I had an epiphany as I was writing this. Finally learned the reasons why I ended up on the path I traveled.
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