To Gracefully Bow Out

All week I’ve been thinking about the way people treat me. If someone treats you bad or means you no good, it’s easy to cut them off if their just people. If they’re someone you care about that’s when it’s a little harder to sever ties with that person. I often feel like people I care about most aren’t as nice to me as they should be. For instance I sent Junior an email telling him how much I care about him, how much I don’t want to let him go. I also mentioned the girl at his job called my phone after we talked Monday. I didn’t think he would respond because he never responds anymore. He did respond and he went off on me and called me a liar. It hurt me to my core that he didn’t believe me. He said “don’t start that shit”. I’m thinking why would I lie. I told him I felt she was being nosey and I didn’t appreciate it. I felt the need to call her out on it and I did. He ain’t mine but I don’t tolerate chicks when it comes to him. I sent him the screen shot of my phone calls to and from his job. That caught his attention because as soon as he had the chance he called me back. He said she friends with his girl. It’s a lot of nosiness at his job. They think every conversation is open to everybody. He didn’t apologize for his meanness and he didn’t address me declaring my love for him. I knew he wasn’t going to call me back but I hoped he would at least email. I got nothing. He’s not meant for me and I need to gracefully bow out.




Then there’s Roc, the one I’m so particular about. I try so hard to have this boy’s back just because. I don’t play when it comes to him either. I’m quick to take up for him. I’m quick to defend him too. If someone doesn’t like him, I don’t like them. I try so hard to advise him on the ways of the world. I try so hard to make him think about his future. I truly feel like he doesn’t have a clue when it comes to responsibilities and I’m scared for him. I feel like he’s one of those people who think life owes him. Like he doesn’t have to try; everything is just going to come. I’m scared he going to always think that mom and dad will always be there. I’m scared he’s not going to put forth the effort to be independent. He talks about what he’s going to do but to me it’s not realistic at all. I want him to be more serious about his plans for the future. I want him to listen when I lecture. I get so mad at him because he always makes me feel like ok will you please stop talking. I lecture because I want him to be better and know better. I always tell all my kids, “if I would have listen to my momma things would have been so different”. He’s just like me, gotta learn the hard way. So many times I want to throw my hands up with him but he’s my child. I can say I don’t care but the next day I’m right back at lecturing. I went off and told him, “forgive me for caring” Last week he got into trouble on the bus for hitting La. Since he’s been back home with me I’m constantly on him about the way he treats La. He calls her all types of names, always hitting on her and just flat out mean. He’s quick to tell he doesn’t like her. I’ve been asking, pleading and begging him to stop. She gets bullied at school enough. She comes home is bullied by her brother who is suppose to love her. I don’t want his negativity to cause her to have self esteem issues in the future. I know what it’s like to be dogged by people who claim to care and I don’t want her to experience the pain of that. The words cut much deeper. If anyone bothers her I hope he would step in but it seems that is very unlikely. The bus driver called and to let me know what happened and that she wrote him up. When he got called to the office the principal called me. I let him know that he needs to be punished. It should have never happened because time and time again I’ve begged him to not treat her like that. The principal gave him sunset school for three days. I’m thinking he was light on Roc because it was La. I’m sure the punishment would have been more severe if it was someone else. The principal asked me if I had anything to say to him and I felt like Roc should have had something to say to me. When I asked he said no. I was like wow this boy still clueless. So now he has an attitude because I agreed for him to go to sunset school. I was pissed beyond pisstivity because once again he will not assume the responsibility. It’s totally his fault he got sunset. If he’d listen to me it would have never happen. If he wasn’t my child he would definitely be on my “do not deal with” list. With him it’s all about him. He has no regard for other people’s feelings. At least not the ones he should. Show me love while I’m still here.

Adrianna is not as bad as Roc. I know she loves me to death and is always giving me affection. My major problem with her is her lack of cleanliness. I really believe she’s picked up all her habits from watching Roc. She sees how he acts and she acts the same way. He’s older so he’s supposed to be setting a good example for her. For a girl she is messy. I’m on her constantly about her room. It always looks like tornado ran through it. I give her the benefit of the doubt because she has ADHA and her comprehension skills are a little weak. She stresses me out a lot. It’s hard to be patient with her sometimes. I try with her too but sometimes I give up. Like this morning she stressed me so bad I just let her do whatever instead of going back and forth. She always has something to say, always some excuse. If I ask you to do something just do it. That blowing pisses me off and that blowing makes me want to smack her on the mouth. Lil Miss know it and don’t know jack. I don’t like threatening them but when I’m dead and gone no one is going to love them the way I do. They will hate I'm not around to lecture and provide knowledge for them. Don’t wait too late. No one is promised tomorrow. I want to share some things with them but I’m not 100% sure what’s going on. I’ve been preparing for their future as much as I can.

Damian gives me no trouble or hassle. He has flaws but nothing major. I’m on him as well about his future. He’s been out of school almost two years and still hasn’t made much progress. I set a date for him that he has to either go to college or find a full time job. The job he has now is nice but he doesn’t make any money. It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to. Being independent was easier for me because I got pregnant. I lived off the government. Men don’t have options like that. Damian is a good kid. I say if I do find a husband I want him to be just like Damian. He was a little lost one time but it seemed like all of a sudden he became this responsible, respectful kid. I’m very proud of him. He listens. He will make some girl very happy one day.

Until the day I die I will continue to lecture and try to get them on the right path. Being a parent is a hard job. I want all my kids to be better and have a much better life than I did. I can only do so much because at the end of the day they’re going to do what they want to do. I was just like them so they got it honest but I desperately want to break the cycle. I’m seriously annoyed that they don’t listen to me. They make me feel like my words have no value. They make me feel like the people at work they never listen to me. It’s crazy to me how much that happens. MooMoo is the exact same way, he does not respect my opinion about anything, I feel he puts me down cause I don’t think like him or if I don’t agree with his opinion, like I’m just this stupid person. Like it’s wrong for me to have an opinion. He doesn’t do it anymore because I don’t put myself in any situation with him for that to happen. I don’t need anyone making me feel like crap. I’m already beaten down and broken enough. I don’t need any else’s help. The things that TCG and JTM did do me is a reminder for me as well. I gave my all and all I got in returned was shitted on. What have I done in my life that was so bad that karma has been on my door step for the last 14 years? Makes you very doubtful of a happy future. I’m not living anymore just waiting on time. I’m tired of this cruel world.