Last year's Southern 500 at Darlington
I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks. Ain’t had my car three months and the motor blew on me. The dealer said it was my fault cause the car overheated and got too hot. I don’t agree but its useless trying to fight with him. I haven’t a clue what to do about it. I wish I could get it fixed but that is way, way out of my budget. Since Roc’s been back home I haven’t asked his dad for child support so I figured he would help me but like always he gave me his ass to kiss. I wish I would have dragged his ass like the other bm did but that’s not the type of person I am. That’s one of the many mistakes I’ve made in life. Now my son is 18 and it too damn late. I have no other options. Since I haven’t been getting money from him, I’ve been heavily dependent on my momma. I get so tired of asking her for money. It’s not fair that she has to help me when he’s not doing his part. I don’t care what he got going on. No judge would give a shit about his situation. His obligation is to take care of his boy. Anyway I’m not going to go on. It only pisses me off. So now here I am officially carless. I haven’t been like this since my first car in 1998. No money for even a down payment on one. Thanks to those two phones I got for TCG my credit is shit now. I’m pissed about that but like I said I blame myself for that. I’ll never ever ever ever let another man drag me again. “Lessons learned the hard way.” And it took long enough. Last weekend Junior emailed and asked if I was going to the race. I told him no and asked him if he was going. It took him forever to respond and in that time I staring thinking. If I’m supposed to me letting go I don’t need to be talking to him. If I didn’t love him and care so much it would be easy to be cool with him. I’m not mad but until I’m completely over him it’s not healthy for me to be talking to him at all. I don’t care if it is just casual conversation. I’m good for reading more into things at times and I don’t want to set myself up for heartbreak just because he’s being friendly. When he did respond, I told him we didn’t need to be talking because it gives me false hope. He so ignorant to the fact that I really love him; he gets and attitude. I wanted be a stupid with him but I just let it go. I’m thinking this fool really don’t know how stupid I could get. I’ve never done it to him but it’s in me. I will ruin your world, you better be thankful for me. You better appreciate me. I was upset but I’m over it now. I try not to be the “dumb bitch” even though it gets so tempting sometimes. And it’s not just with Junior. Niggas need potty training. I’ve been on sabbatical for awhile. Staying away from people, staying anyway from the drama that some people like to create. Life is pretty dull at the moment but I like dull. When I was dealing with TCG this last time, I was always on the go and I didn’t like that too much. I like being home in my own house chilling. I said the next person I date will have to have their own place. I rarely get peace at my house. His house I’ll use as a refuge for when I need to get away. Anyway, I don’t like fantasizing, I get upset. For now I’m just being a good girl, waiting to see if God has something really special for me. I’m focused on my 180 day goal. I only have 90 more to go after May 13. I’m super excited about going this long. Not that it would erase anything in that past. Sometimes I feel there is no point. It won’t make a difference to anyone else. It does make a difference to me so that’s good enough. I do miss hanging out. The people who I kick it with I’ve never had any problems with. It’s just the streets in general I guess. I know I can’t do nothing about the streets talking but just get it right. I laugh when I here some way off stuff about me. I laugh when I hear true stuff that’s old. “I’m off that, y’all need to catch up.” Most of the time it’s one of the two, no news or old news. All the drama with TCG was nothing to me. The way I saw it, it didn’t really involve me. He had my car but that’s it. The rest was all them. I really didn’t think it would affect me but it is. I got another car but that car is a lemon. I lost my money and I have no transportation so now it’s affecting me. My poor choices, his poor choices and that’s life. Things could be a lot worse so I am thankful for the good things I have. My boys have finally figured out a plan for their futures. I just hope and pray they put in the work to accomplish their goals. They have so many opportunities. I don’t want them to let Hartsville trap them like it did me. I was different from them and Hartsville is not what it used to be so I don’t see that happening. I do worry about La. I don’t see she her leaving the nest. It would be good but because of her small disabilities I can’t see her being totally independent. I pray she proves me wrong. I do underestimate her sometimes. She does want to go college. She said she doesn’t want kids and doesn’t want to get married, so she says. I think that will change as she gets older. She stays stuck up under her momma for now. The race is this weekend. I didn’t get tickets this year but I was thinking about tailgating. Knowing me I probably won’t go. Lazy me. We planned to go to the beach for bike week. Then we decided we couldn’t afford it. Yesterday I found a two bedroom condo for $326. That is the old price we used to pay back in 2001. So now we are on again. That means I may not be able to go to Fayetteville the week after. We have to be better prepared next year. Pay in full when we get that tax refund so that will be the last thing we have to stress over when that money is gone. It sure doesn’t last long. That’s life for now. Nothing at all exciting but because I love to write I thought I’d post an update.
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