❤supercalifragilisticexpialidopechick❤: My Birthday 2013

My day started with birthday love from my babies.

Then my sister crowned me

Golden

I celebrated my 40^th birthday this past weekend and I had an awesome time with a great group of people. I’ve had a really good life these last 40 years and I’m so blessed and thankful because we all know that things could be so much worse. There are so many struggles in the world right now; I’m just thankful to God that I’ve been able to keep my head above water. It hasn’t been easy but life never has been. It’s a constant test and only the strong survive. I had wondered if I’d hear from Junior and I did. He sent an email. It was very basic but for him to even remember me was huge. I wonder if he thinks about me at all. The email made me feel like he still cares to some degree. Although, I don’t think it’s enough for us to be “us” again. Every since Thanksgiving I haven’t reached out to him. (Only to say, “Thank you” for the happy birthday) It hasn’t been too bad; not like before the holiday. I still think about him. I know in time it will get easier. I always find quotes on Pinterest that fit what I’m feeling exactly. I found one that I think parallel’s to my relationship with Junior.

It was what I felt. It was what I experienced. It was the unintentional hurt he caused that he never seemed to understand. It always made me so mad when he would say, “I didn’t do anything to you”. No, he didn’t, not intentionally. He did do something to me. He hurt me because he was never there. When or if I needed him he was never there. He never understood that. That was the major problem in our relationship. That caused other things to happen, things I would do to fill the void he left me with. Yeah, I was always the one doing something but I blame him for all of it. If he would have been there all of what I did would have never happened. I could have been better to him if he would have been better to me. I’m upset that I explained it to him so many times and he never got it. He judged me. I never ever threw any of his shortcomings in his face. Anyway, I’m not going to ramble on about him any longer. I wonder what life has in store for me in 2014. I hope it’s a better year. 2013 wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Aside for that little bit drama early in the year things have been good. Life isn’t all rosy at the same time; I really can’t complain. I’m always “10 & 2” with me and mine (my babies). I don’t have time for anyone else’s mess. I keep to myself to keep from being dragged in other people’s crap. Life is plain and simple, boring but I’m cool with that. I’ve been whining for the longest about wanting to be in a relationship and finding real love but right now I’m cool with being single. I know there maybe decent guys out there somewhere but I don’t get out enough to meet anyone new. I haven’t been anywhere interesting enough. I spend the majority of my free time at home. I just love being in my comfort zone, in my room, chilling. I have cut myself off from the world a little but it’s safer. I take it personal when people disappoint me so I try to limit interacting with them as much as possible. I guess my expectations are too high (basic reciprocity) and that’s something I need to work on but until then I’ll deal with it the best way I can at the moment. The only thing I really want to change right now is my financial situation. I think that would require me going back to school or getting a part time job. I’d have to make some major changes for either one. I always wonder how my momma did it. She was an awesome provider, still is. I don’t ever remember going without. I got love to give all day long but we surely can’t live off that. I hope my kids don’t resent me for not being able to provide. They know I love them and I hope they know that if I was capable things would be much better. I hope that I’ve provided some basic things they will need in life like responsibility, respect and compassion for others. Things that carry more value than money could ever provide. No one is perfect but I think for the most part I have good kids. Of course, they can be aggravating and hard headed but that’s what I signed up for. At the end of the day I don’t regret being a mom. I think it’s an awesome gift. Like everything else it has its ups and downs. I promise when you coming up from a down you feel like Superwoman. It gives you a sense of strength like “I can do anything”. It’s take a whole lot of God’s grace and mercy when raising kids especially now. I thank God for all that grace, mercy and strength. I thank God for my momma who has always been there for me. I thank God for my kid’s fathers. I thank God my life, my gains, my losses, my lessons and every single blessing. I look at my albums on my Facebook page sometimes and think it’s not the best life but it’s been a good one. Thanks be to God. I won’t complain.

I had them doing crafts while we were waiting on breakfast Saturday morning. Something to pass the time.