Life As I Know It

Since I stopped harassing Junior now if I email him, he’ll respond. I’m ready to write another blog post and I wanted to know if it bothered him that I blog about him. He was quick to tell me he doesn’t read it. I took that as him saying “I’m not interested in you, your feelings, what you do or what you think”. I’m thinking, cool, but that’s not the question I asked. Some people get upset if someone they don’t like has feelings for them. Its high school but they actually think they can what another person feels. I guess I should have just answered the question myself.  No one really knows Junior so for anyone reading my blog they don’t know who I’m talking about. In the past, he didn’t like that I kept a journal because it was more revealing. Anyone reading it would know exactly who I was talking about. I emailed him back and told him other people do read my blog so does it bother you that I write about you. He emailed and said, “What are you talking about?” His famous line to say to me. When he says that I feel like he’s passing me off as if I’m asking crazy questions. I just left it alone. I had no clue why I can never get a straight answer out of him. It’s always difficult to communicate with him. Maybe he does it on purpose so I won’t talk to him. That’s childish but I can’t think of any other reason why he just can’t answer a simple question. If you don’t want to be bothered say “stop calling me”. It’s not that difficult. I’ve never done anything crazy to him in the past; I hope he don’t think I would now. He knows not to go too far with me just like I know my limits with him. He always passed me off as the crazy one but he got issues too. Especially about the whole “how love is supposed to be”. There is a difference in how people think love is and how love really is. Love can be like what you see on TV. It’s what you make of it. I love Junior to death and I want to be with him. I’m sure if I had the chance our love wouldn’t be the way its “supposed” to be. He doesn’t believe in the type of love I believe in. Love is compromising and communicating. He’s not an effective communicator so I know it wouldn’t be right. People stuck on pride and stuck in their ways of doing things. Love supersedes all that stuff. In my opinion, Junior doesn’t even know what real love is. I might be alone for the rest of my life but I rather it be that way than to settle for some bs relationship. I want a man who will trust me enough to let go with me. A guarded man is unattainable. He’ll always keep you at a distance. He stays safe by dealing with other girls. He’s too afraid to focus on just one. I think men are weak. Their always scared to tell the truth.  You want them to be compassionate but a man showing compassion is to lie. #1 reason they give for not telling the truth is because they think they sparing your feelings; they don’t want to hurt you. The short term pain of the truth versus the long term pain cause by a lie, do the math. I can go on all day about Junior and his lack of communication skills when it comes to me. I was thinking about the day he wouldn’t meet me. He dissed me cold. I don’t ever recall him being like that with me. It was something I’d say; mean, thoughtless and not caring what you maybe going through. I have a habit of reaching out to people who aren’t receptive to me. That’s what I did with him.  I guess its karma. I can say that I’m nice to everyone. I don’t dislike people. There are people I choose to not deal with. I’m probably judge for that but if I want to act like you don’t exist that is my choice. The one thing about me I’m going to let you know. I’m not going to be fake about it. They’ll know if we’re not “like that”. If I don’t have a choice then I tolerate them. I’m not the mean girl I used to be so I go very easy on those I tolerate. It’s a thin line though. Things can get bad real quick in those situations. Life is good. I’m ready for change. I’m not a fan of change but I’m at a point where I feel good about my next step. It’s time to separate myself from some things. As I said before, it’s my way of isolating myself from this cruel world. I’ll do what I’ve been doing for the last few years, chilling. I’m home most weekends and I enjoy being home. My room is my refuge; my place of peace and I love being there. I get bored but it not because I want to do something or go somewhere. It’s because I don’t have companionship. I don’t like not having someone to talk to. I mean just general adult conversation. When I get off work I want a boo to come home to. If I had a bad day I want to be able to vent and then chill with my boo. I don’t think its wrong to want a shoulder. I’m tired of standing alone.