Can't Get Right

The past two days I’ve been really irritated, the tiniest things were annoying me. I was in a horrible mood. This morning I realized I need some time to myself. I’m more sad today than annoyed. Yesterday I felt the need for attention. How I call for Junior for the attention. That’s not gon happen. There is no substitute for him so what do I do. I want some attention. I’m back to “I can’t believe I’m alone”. I gotta be happy so for me I can’t settle. Men are so stupid. They only think about one thing. I’m not a needy person. I do desire attention. I’m all WOMAN but I’m not desperate for it. I can’t stand to be told how I feel or what I need/want in my life. No one knows me. No one really makes an effort to know me either. The bitch at work tried to tell me about myself last week. She forever running her mouth and don’t know what she talking about. I let her know she pissed me off but I didn’t argue with her. You can never tell a FOOL that they’re wrong. That’s just how it seems to be in my life. Another thing that has me sad this morning is my gift to always mess up something. The easier it is the easier it is for me to mess it up. It’s always simple things but it’s the simple things that add up. Every week on my bulletin at church something is wrong. They excuse me and I appreciate that but it’s has me thinking about the things I don’t get excused for. At work I’ve been sat down three times. The first time it was about a letter I put in an envelope backwards, not chasing people for meeting quorums and something else. The second time I think it was about the quorum for meetings again and this last time was about basically following directions. This last time was complete bs because I did what I was told. And if I hadn’t it wasn’t a big damn deal. It happens all the time but because it was me it was like this major thing. I was so annoyed. To me it seems like everybody can afford to mess up except me. I know I’m always messing up. Moo-Moo and Junior always reminded me of what a fuck up I was. I get so upset I guess because I don’t take pleasure in peoples failures. I don’t point out wrong. It hurts especially because I’ll eventually to lose my job behind these little mess ups. I’ve never been fired. I can only do what I can do. I don’t like responsibility and it’s a lot I have to keep up with. I have to keep up with my momma duties. I have to keep up with myself. I have church responsibilities.  The older I get the more I realize I don’t want to be responsible. Especially now that the boys are older. It’s basically just me and La. I’m the regional APA Historian and I serve on the SC Inn at Montreat Board. They are both work related. I’ve thought about resigning the last time I had a sit down. So now I want to resign again and this time I’m going to do it. When I first got here I really thought these people genuinely cared about me. I listen to them talk about people all the time and they’re Christians. Before the sit downs they discussed me. I don’t feel comfortable about that. I would have rather her come to me instead of discussing me with them. They fake. I used to confide in these people. I told them stuff I haven’t even told my momma. Deep personal information. This is what makes a person say, “I hate people”. So now I feel the need to go see my therapist. I was doing good. But I still don’t have the support system she asked me to build for myself. I need that. I need at least one person in my life that listens to me. Boy do I feel like Charlie Brown today.