Three Strikes

Black Pumps & Pink Lipstick 

I have been feeling really good lately. I feel like I have more strength. I don’t feel like I’m tolerating life. I’m living a little. I’m existing a little. Things aren’t great but its better. I guess we all have our days. Right now today is good. I have a friend (plain, platonic friend) who is depressed. He’s going through a break up. The girl dogged him and dumped him. He is so down and feeling sorry for himself. It reminds me of where I used to be. I’m trying to be there for him because when I went through it I felt alone. I felt like no one understood. At the same time he’s using his situation to make me feel sorry for him. I used to do or say certain things to get Junior’s attention. I wanted his sympathy. It never worked though. I do think he may have felt bad for me but he wasn’t going to do something he didn’t want to do. My friend wants more than a friendship with me. He says and does things for my attention but I’m just like Junior, I’m holding my ground. I know what I want in a relationship and he is not it. Just from general conversations we have I know he is too much work. I don’t have time for a needy man. He is a good person and would have no problem spoiling me but I can see me getting tired of him. It probably wouldn’t last a year then I’d be the bad guy for breaking his heart. I’ve been very upfront with him about my feelings. I can be your friend all day. We can talk and hangout but I don’t want to be “involved”. If he wants to spend time with me and spend his money on me that’s on him. Don’t expect anything in return; you’ll get your feelings hurt. He thinks I’m going to have a weak moment and break down. I know what I want and I can’t settle. There never comes to a point in life where you have to settle when it comes to matters of the heart. Maybe if I had to settle for a Coach instead of a Louis Vuitton but with my heart, nah. My friend opened my wound the other day. He was telling me how much he like me, wants to be with me and how we could be. I had to make him understand that I love someone else. I feel bad because I don’t share his feelings. I can’t make myself feel something for him. I can’t make myself stop loving Junior. As much as I want to be loved and taken care of, the affections have to be mutual. I hurt his feelings because he asked me if we were together and junior wanted me back would I leave him and I said yes. He doesn’t grasp the fact that’s the one of reasons why I don’t want to be with you. If I liked you like that nothing could come between us. When I was ready he wasn’t. We both had a second chance with each other and we both missed it. All I have left is my friendship. Even that may not last. I feel he may get pushy but I will cut him off. I told him I don’t stress no dudes. I love junior and I’ll admit I have run behind him. I’ve been all out of character trying to get him to come back to me. Junior is the only one I’d that for. The friend was like, “what about me”? He just got finish telling me how much he loves the girl that dumped him. Even if I did feel something for him, why would I set myself up? He already dumped me for her once before. He can’t deal with being alone. I’ve never known a man like that. I think he really just wants someone to be intimate with. He’s a selfish sum-muma. I see so much in that I don’t like. Because he’s depressed is my reason for tolerating him. He swears people don’t like him. I’m supposedly his lifeline. If he and that girl get back together I won’t hear from him. I’m his friend so he says but you don’t cut friends off just because your girl/man doesn’t want you talking to them. She didn’t have to worry about me; I wasn’t a threat to their relationship. Last time she thought she did something by making him call me and tell me not to call him anymore. I laugh. It wasn’t even that serious. I’m not a phone person like he is. If he doesn’t call me, I won’t call him. If he shits on me again I refuse to be his friend again. He can call me with the gun cocked, loaded and pointed.  Three strikes, I’m out! I know I sound mean but its reciprocity. 

Church Flow