Trying, Trying

I’ve been listening to love songs since Sunday. I’ve been re-missing Junior since last week. There were some pictures of him and his “happy ever after” that I knew were on the www but could never find. Me being bored at work went looking for them and found them. I broke my already broken heart. All I could think was that’s where “my love” lives. The love I feel for him he feels that same amount of love for someone else. I emailed my friend the link to Junior's “happy ever after”. I’ve been very secretive about my love because I brag about how awesome he is and I don’t want any other chicks trying to get with him. I’ve always maintained that he belongs to me and I’ll get ratchet about Junior.  My friend told me that I love to torture myself. I learned that in therapy last year so I have to say that she is correct. For the last 25 years of my life all I have known is pain. I’ve never experienced anything else so pain is normal for me. I guess if I’m don’t get a dose of hurt I go into withdrawl. In life we tend to be stuck in our comfort zones. As much as it hurts pain is my comfort zone. Until I have a chance to experience better I’ll never know better. In my state of broken hearted I’ve been emailing and calling Junior, “trying” with him like I always do. Last Friday I called and we talked for a minute. I told him I was sorry. I couldn’t explain because he was at work and couldn’t talk. I begged him to call me back but he didn’t. His actions are very clear to me but with him it’s always been about what he says. That’s why I’m trying to get him to talk to me. I don’t understand why he won’t. What is he scared of. I called yesterday twice and this morning he finally answered. All I said was, “I love you”. When I hung up, I sat and thought for a minute and I was so happy. He answered the phone for me. That was huge. When I said I love you, he said “aight”. He accepted it. He received it. I could have said the world coming to an end and he would have said "aight"  That's him. I ran with it though. To him it may be nothing but for me it’s a lot. Call me delusional. Yesterday, I sent him an email asking him to tell me to leave him alone. What so hard about that? He won’t so that’s what keeps me going. That’s why I still have hope. My love matters to him. I matter to him. I’m not giving up on “my love”.