❤supercalifragilisticexpialidopechick❤: Accountability & Responsibility

This was prior to my stress episode.

My stress level reached an all time high this week. For the most part I think I do pretty good about not letting things get to me. After weighing what caused my stress level to rise I realized the things stressing me are the things I have to deal with. Being a mother is one. I’ve often said my mini me was hard work. Everyday with her is a struggle. I can’t stop being momma. The next one is my job. It’s so much pressure because I have to pay close attention to detail. I’ve said that I can tell my brain doesn’t function as well as it used to and it’s caused me to mess up at work a lot. I beat myself to death when I mess up because I feel like I’m the only one here whose mistakes aren’t forgiven. Like my mistakes going to keep Jesus from coming back. There was an incident last week that I got blamed for when I know it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t argue because I didn’t want to be labeled as not accepting my mistakes. I know better than that. I always assume the responsibility especially when I know it’s my fault. Accountability and responsibility is not an issue for me. I don’t even like to debate with a person over an issue. Definitely not a man; they so ignorant you can never tell them they’re wrong about anything. I like my job; I just don’t care for the people I work with. Being the only black person is an issue for me as well. I feel I get judged behind my back because I’m black. I don’t trust them at all. They fake and I “have to” tolerate them. I almost always need help just getting through the day. Oh if I could quit, I would but I’m not trying to work after I leave here. The other thing that bothers me is the fact that I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I like being a Presbyterian, HHS Class of 1992 and a “Real” Jackson. There are other things like SC Inn at Montreat and PCUSA APA that I’m not too thrilled about serving anymore. Also being my church’s secretary is something that I don’t want to do anymore. I resigned once; my replacement quit so they asked me back. I do need the money though. I need a change in my life, I want more. I felt like there was an opportunity a few weeks ago. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m always reading more into things than what it really is. The hope felt good though. I feel like managing my stress will cause me to be not so sweet at times. I don’t like the idea of that because I love being sweet Netanyia but I have to do it for me. Putting other people’s feelings and wants before mine is a problem. I always want to give and be the people pleaser. My children are the only people that should get those things from me. With my recent stress issues, I’ve received not needed and unwanted advice. Why do people feel the need to give advice when it’s not asked for? The more I hear "take it easy", "don't let anything stress you" the more I stressed I get. Then there is my privacy. I love to write and share some things in my life but I don’t share everything. I always have a notebook that I keep my most personal details in. If it’s something going on with me and I don’t choose to tell it, it’s no one else’s place to tell it. I see why celebrities get upset. They share what they want to share and the rest is no one’s business. People really need to learn to respect other people’s privacy.