Never Wanted to Be a Bad Guy

I’ve said more than once that I thought I was over Junior but I was lying to myself. I went three months without reaching out to him. In ten years that was the longest I ever went without trying to have some type of communication with him. One night as I was getting dressed to go out he emailed me. It was a picture of me that I sent him captioned “DAMN”. At that moment he was thinking about me. That let me know even though he’s not going to act on it there were still something there. I was like “why did he do that?” He doesn’t want to be bothered with me but him emailing me out of blue doesn’t exactly say he doesn’t want to be bothered with me. He always confuse me like that. I did good for about another week or so and then it started all over again. All over again he ignored my calls and emails. I wanted to know why he sent me that picture. Why did he reach out to me only to ignore me? I wrote a blog about my birthday and emailed that to him. I wondered like last year would I hear from him. He never forgets my birthday. I didn’t send him birthday greetings so I did have my doubts. When I got my birthday email I was happy. For some reason he started answering my calls. We would only talk briefly though. Once he asked me what was going on with me. That was after he read my birthday blog. I don’t know exactly what he thinks is going on with me but I’m positive it’s no way near my reality. His thoughts were always LEFT. I hated that about him. Once he gets something in his head its there. No matter what the truth maybe it’s stuck. On my Friday off I went to Cheraw. I had not showered, had on sweats, didn’t even come my hair. I told him the night before I was staying in Cheraw. Hoping he would try to come see me but he made no attempts. Once I got to Cheraw I sat in the parking lot hoping to see him. I emailed him and asked him to come see me. He said he was working. I told him I would wait. He asked me “what did I want from him”. That wasn’t good. That was also a stupid question. He didn’t come out the store until almost 5:00.  I hadn’t seen him in a year. I was like “look at him, he is so awesome”. I sent him an email telling him he was awesome and I love him. I missed him when he came back. I emailed and told him to “come talk to me so I can go home”. At that point I was tired of waiting. I had been sipping so I wasn’t bored. He didn’t look happy to see me. We talked and he wouldn’t tell me anything. He said the same ole thing he always say. “I begged you not to let it get to this point”. He talked about me being with other guys. I was telling him I didn’t know what to do with these feelings that I had for him. He said, “I don’t know what to tell you”.  A line I’ve said to guys I’m not interested in. I told him I didn’t want to be there because I know he doesn’t want anything to do with me but I couldn’t help it. Acting on emotions. I told him I needed him, I said it over and over. I’m crying and can barely talk. He was complaining about being seen talking to me. I got too loud I guess because he walked off. That was the worst thing. I screamed, boo whoo crying. I wasn’t leaving. I refused. Leaving was like giving up I didn’t want to give up. He came back twice, I was still crying. All he did was look at me. He didn’t get out his car. He didn’t attempt to say anything to me, nothing. I felt he wanted me to leave. I sat there cried some more and got wasted. My intention was sit there all night. I would have but I got too cold and I didn’t want to run the car for an extended period of time. I was a mess sitting out there. I had to wait until I sobered up before I could drive so I didn’t leave to 3:00 a.m. That was the longest ride from Cheraw I ever had. I slept all day Saturday. I woke a few times. I called him and asked him did he believe that I love him. He said yeah. I emailed him a couple times. I told him it wouldn’t hurt so much if he showed some compassion. His whole attitude was like he could care less about what I’m going through. Sunday morning I woke up mad. I felt it was so unfair for him to treat me like he didn’t care. Although he made it clear to me that he never said he didn’t care. Ok you could have at least acted like it. I decided at that moment, I’m hurting and suffering; life hasn’t been good to me. Karma has me by the neck; I have nothing to lose. He’s never coming back to me so it’s time for him to hurt and suffer too. I let him know what I was going to do. He starts blowing up my phone. This is what I have to do to get attention. Now he wants to talk. I was having trouble with my phone so I couldn’t talk to him. I was at work so I called him. I asked to tell me something I want to hear. He told me he didn’t have time right now for bs. He explained to me what was going on but I told I didn’t care. Same ole line. He never has time. Even when we were together he always had something going on. I always had to take a back seat to whatever it was. Not this time. His reasons were legitimate but this time it’s not going to be about him and what he wants. I waited around to see if he would reach out to me. He didn’t so I did what I had to do. I wasn’t going to let him get away with hurting me the way he did. During our whole relationship it was always about him. The two years we’ve been apart it’s was still all about him. What I did was selfish, I wanted him to experience the pain and hurt that I’ve dealt with for the last ten years. He hurt me and I don’t think he believed that. I begged him for two years to talk to me, be a friend to me, come back to me. Everything big and small he rejected. All this time he treated me like he didn’t want anything to do with me but when I begged him to tell me to leave him alone he didn't do it. When he was telling me I’m going to tell you what you need to hear I thought he was going to say it then but he didn’t. There was no getting “back to good” with him, I knew that but he wasn’t shutting me completely out either. It confused me. It gave me hope. So now I’ve given him a reason to shut me out. I did what he didn’t have the courage to do. Now that I’ve done it I feel free. Whatever it was that had me holding onto him is gone. I feel I can finally move on. My love is now anger and hate. I feel like all of it was a lie. I know it wasn’t about me so it was a lie. I did begin to feel guilty but that was me still putting other people’s feelings before my own. My intent was to destroy him, to make him feel what I’ve felt. I knew there would be collateral damage but that’s his fault. We women fail to realize we have all the power. I had to show Junior who runs shit. 



He still loved me.