May - December Romance

Supercalifragilisticexpialidopechick

June is here and it’s almost been a month since the last time I wrote on my blog. I wrote about “my phone relationship” and as soon as I did the calls stopped. I knew there was chance they would because Brooklyn is in a relationship and he thought it was wrong for him to be talking to me. Nothing wrong with talking but it did cross the line sometimes. He questioned me about how I would feel if we were dating and he was talking to another chick on the phone. I’m disappointed I don’t get to talk to him anymore but he’s right. I wouldn’t like it at all. We definitely can’t start a relationship like that if ever we were to be together. It really never seemed likely and he made it clear to me that he wasn’t going to uproot me or disrupt my life. So now that I don’t have Brooklyn to distract me anymore my thoughts have wondered back to (Junior) what has been familiar to me. I don’t like that. It’s a constant fight to NOT reach out. I will admit to losing sometimes. Like today, it was an email. All before January 16 it wasn’t clear to me how he felt about me but it is very clear now. I still want to mess with him and push his buttons. I did a couple of weeks ago. I just wanted to see if I still had power over him. I do but I guess it’s more like fear. He’s scared of what I may do. I have done so much damage. I don’t like being that person but I am. I can’t undo what I did. I don’t care about him. I want him to hurt and suffer. I want everyone to know he’s not the perfect man he has portrayed himself to be. I always maintained he was “my man” so the acknowledgement didn’t really play a part in it. Only people I wanted to know was chicks I felt needed to be checked. What he had at home wasn’t an issue for me. He told me that on more than one occasion. (As I said I emailed him and he called me) I think he full of shit. Why didn’t he tell me all this before. If he trusted me so much why couldn’t he let me know what was going on with him. The one thing I got from this is that he doesn’t hate me. He’s highly pissed. I don’t think he wants to kill me anymore. I don’t know. He talked like he wants me to understand. Like always I want him to understand. We know how we feel but we still not putting the others feels before our own. He won’t come before me and vice versa. So like always we stuck. The Taurus and Sagittarius, the May and December nothing has changed. The best thing for me is to leave him alone. I’m still looking for what we had before and that’s never going to happen. NEVER EVER. I’m so stuck on him because he is all I know.