REALLY OLD POST FROM 2008
Feeling a little down today because of my dad's situation but really down in the dumps because my love life is at a stand still. Since I've dumped my man; who "belonged" to someone else; life has been so boring. I used to sit around and wait on him to call or come see me but now I'm just waiting around. I feel lost now that I don't have him anymore. My world revolved around him. All I ever wanted to do was be with him. I'm like, what in the world do I do now. It's so much easier being without him now that I'm not "with" him. All before when I was "with" him and without him I was going crazy. I thought I was in love with him but I couldn't have been if I can stay away from him this long and not be tempted in the least to call him. Being with him was an emotional roller coaster for me. When we spent time together it was great. He was a very good lover. The way he was with me made me feel like it was all about me. I'd be so so happy. Then there would be the times when I couldn't see him, which was all the time. Extreme lows, like my whole world came crashing down. I'd lay in bed and cry every weekend because he was not there with me. I did this to myself for almost four years. I always knew that he would never be mine. But when he showed me a text message from his wife telling me how good a husband he was, that did it for me. Usually the "other" woman gets treated better than the wife but not in my case. He never led me on. It was obvious to me that I was never a priority. When we started he was only married seven months. He did however tell me he loved me. He was never one to where his heart on his sleeve so telling me was huge for him. It was huge for me as well. But as time went on love wasn't enough for me. He wanted me to continue and apart of me didn't want to stop because I thought he was the perfect man for me. I loved everything about him with the exception of him belonging to someone else. I feel like I will never find another like him. Men like that are a rare breed and he knew it. He's pleaded his love for me so many times but I just couldn't continue to settle. During our relationship I was treated for depression. I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain that I felt during those extreme lows. I tried many time to explain to him how I was a wreck but he never seemed to understand what I went through. We argued constantly because for the first three years he was my boss, so the lines got blurred a lot. There was another girl in the office and I became convinced she wanted my man. He would get raging mad at me whenever I brought it up. I couldn't get pass my paranoia. I would dream about them it was so bad. I felt that he was a lot nicer to her than he was to me and that led to jealously. I never said anything to her because I couldn't. There was a no fraternization policy added to him being married. I wanted to openly mark my territory so that made it harder. I think she assumed something was going on between us. There were times when arguments were so personal that a blind man could see.
