Not Much...Waiting

I haven’t done any writing about myself in a minute. I don’t have much going on right now. Just trying to maintain and grow closer to my Lord and Savior. I’ve  gotten better about reading the word. I love reading about struggling. I’ve been struggling since I was 16. Back then I didn’t understand a lot of things but now things make sense to more. I’m still learning and understanding. I used to question myself about why I did things knowing those things weren’t the right thing. Why I would make bad choices all the time. I used to be caught in the moment and be so mad at myself after and full of regret. Now I’m more focused on waiting. I’ll never get what I want if I don’t be patient and stay in prayer. I’ve also been trying to do self-study on parliamentary procedures and Presbyterian polity. I love polity. I especially need to be knowledgeable because the way things are going at church. There is a lot of wrong going on and even though I’m just a member I’m going to call out any wrong that I am witness to. People don’t like that I’m not afraid to speak up. They want you to just shut up and do what you’re supposed to. That itself is wrong. Parliamentary procedures difficult. Understanding all the different type motion is something I don’t think I can grasp. I know the basics and I think that will help. I did a test I found online and it’s a lot of stuff I didn’t know. The good thing is that no one can question me because they don’t know either. Of course, I wouldn’t manipulate anyone because of their lack of knowledge. I’m trying to be decent and in order as well as fair. I can’t write without talking about Junior. I still have my days when I’m down and miss him deeply. Still have my dreams too. I stop writing them down. Just praying to be stronger and I am. When I remember his love and touch all I can do is holler out Jesus name to help me through it. He was just that dude. I guess God having a hard time trying to find someone that can fill his shoes. It is so hard waiting I get so lonely and frustrated at times. Like today, I’d love to go home to my love and chill. Light my candles and sip my beer. We can talk, laugh, play and just enjoy each other. Anyway, I got to wait. Even though I told my ex we’d never get back together I think he thinks he still has a chance if he just wait and play the friend. He’s depressed and get lonely at times, but I had to learn that I can’t depend on no one but myself in those times when I feel I need to be in the company of someone. It’s best to get your bible, read your favorites scriptures and talk to the Lord. I try to tell him that. I think he try to play on my sympathies, he tries to be very manipulative but I’m way ahead of him. I need someone who thinks a little deep. Especially when it comes to me. Junior did that even though it was when I was mad or ready to leave him; he knew what I liked, what put a smile on my face. That’s all I want to do is smile. I’m not smiling today. For some reason Tank’s death has me feeling sad. I know in the moment I didn’t get to grieve him just like I didn’t get to grieve my daddy. You be so busy entertaining, planning, and preparing you don’t have time to be in your feelings. I don’t like that. I want to feel it even if it hurts. How else are you going to get better and move on? Yesterday was the exact date my nephew died so I couldn’t help but think of the events leading up to that day, all the events of that night. It’s way to too much. And I’m so grateful I didn’t go in that room. My last memory of my nephew is he and I in my living room talking about his job opportunity at Chesterfield Lumber Yard. He was excited and happy; feeling like real man providing and taking care of his family. I’m glad to know that he knew his Auntie had his back. It was even more so when he became a father.  One thing about him he always went for what was fair and right. He didn’t like anybody being treated badly. I guess I can say he always rooted for the underdog. He and La bonded because of that. I hate Lil Tank has to be without his father. Ayden was a baby, so he doesn’t remember. But they both need their daddy. That is the saddest part about it. They are some good boys and know Tank is proud. They get with Geli boys and they get wild. It’s fun to see them all together. I’m thankful for my family, thankful for my sister. We are strong and maintaining. Love holds everything together.