Depress, Holiday Blues

By My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

I can always look happy.

Haven’t done a blog in a minute. I have been writing in my journal. I felt the need to write because I have been sad lately. The depression, I suppose. High highs and low lows.  Only thing I can think of that’s causing it is loneliness and wanting more. Every Friday I get sad because I want to go home to someone special. I want some male companionship. After I work all week, I want to kick back and chill with a bae. My boat crew had a party Black Friday and I didn’t have a plus one to invite. Only one person did but it bothered me. Plus, only one person showed up that personally asked to come. My crazy ass uncle. The one I never liked. Stuff like that upsets me but it happens all the time. Those feelings I always keep to myself cause no one understands or just don’t care. I met someone. I ask God to send me a husband or in the meantime, an older white man who will care about me and take care of me, financially. He sent me the latter. I met him through work. He called and came by often but of course I never looked at him like that. He’s not what I would call fine. He not ugly and has a belly. I’m over looks. I’m just looking for someone to treat me decently. He was waiting for the paralegal and we chatted. He was asking me if I knew someone who wanted to make some extra money, making phone calls. He explained it would be cash only. I told him no, other than myself. Before he left, he gave me his card and said call if I was interested. I waited a few days and decided to call probably because I needed the money. He went more into detail about what I’d be doing. Private investigations. Trying to catch cheating men. I had to sort of audition for the job by talking provocative on voicemail. The first time was trash but I knocked it out the park the other two times. We talked every night and the more we talked the more I realized I was feeling some type of way about him. Next, I had to meet with him to take pictures to display my beauty. I was kind of weary cause I really didn’t know the man.  Part of me felt like I could trust him because he comes in the office. If anything, happen to me; I left clues, lol. I wasn’t nervous at all because I had my medicine. Everything went well. I did have a couple of beers. Watch a little college football and came back home. I really enjoyed my little bit of time with him. I wasn’t there long. I didn’t know he was interested in me like that. He told me he didn’t know how to approach me. I imagine he didn’t. Talking to him every day sure worked. The compliments worked. He said the first time he saw me he liked the way I carry myself. I’ve heard that a lot. I’m definitely not the average black chick. My style and presence are totally different from other chicks. I always liked being different. So now we are basically in a phone relationship. He lives in Bennettsville. I’ve only been to see him one other time. He’s going through a stressful period because he has to get a biopsy done tomorrow. I’m hoping to see more of him once this is all over. Part of me is doubtful though. They say if you really want to see someone, you will make a way. He spends his down time watching football for Thursday to Monday. Goes to the bar almost every night for beers. I promised myself I wouldn’t have sex until I met my husband. And so far, I have maintained that promise which makes me like my Silver Fox all the more. I’m upset because we have made all these plans and there hasn’t been any action. I don’t like talk. I get turned off quickly. He has given me money. Not petty cash either. But for me the time and attention are most important. He told me he'd take care of me. As long as he’s alive I don’t have to worry about anything. I don’t ask him for much other than wanting to see him. I fell for his sweet nothings. At the same time, I can’t let him go because he worried about the procedure. I believe it’s weighing on him; this is life or death. He said I have been a huge help. Our phone conversations are the best. I like that he calls all during the day. I always get at least two calls every day. It may have been twice we didn’t talk at all. I can only hope things are different after tomorrow. I don’t want to be disappointed., again. I won’t wait forever. I never do. It’s my birthday week. I’m going to the beach. You’d think I’d be in a better mood but I’m not. I want go of course. Don’t really have much money but I don’t need much. Beer and food. I want to go out too. Haven’t been to Broadway at the Beach since that time I want alone. Can’t do that anymore. I told Silver Fox I was going but I think he forgot. I think he forgets a lot of what we talk about or either it’s intentional. He did ask if it was anything I wanted in particular for my birthday. He remembers that. I like that. I’m just scared this is going to turn out to be like my other experiences with guys. A 60 year old playing games would be an atrocity. He always talks about treating people like he wants to be treated. My favorite word reciprocity. I promise he’s said all the right things. He’s been divorced since the 80’s and has no children. Doesn’t have much other family either. He likes his life. He said he might get lonely sometimes, but I don’t think he wants to get married or even be in a relationship. He likes his freedom. I do want to know if he seeing anyone other than me. I need to ask but I’m not going to. He’s not concerned with my personal life. One thing I need to do is stop being so available. Whenever he calls I always answer. If I miss a call, I call right back. When we had our party I left my phone home. He called like three or four times. I called him when I got in to leave a message. He likes for me to leave messages. Even when he home. We’ll hang up and I’ll call back. I love the attention just missing the time. I told him wanted candles for my birthday but I should have asked for money. I hope I get to see him before I go to the beach. I’d be hurt. Another birthday without a significant other. That’s why I made it point to go to the beach this year. I haven’t been for my birthday since 2015. I wish I could dump the girls and take Ray but I can’t do that. He might not be able to make it anyway even though that’s on our to do list. I asked him if we could spend NYE together. He said he doesn’t see why not. That’s weeks away anything can happen. If I’m alone. That’s how my year is going to be. I went out last year for Maz birthday. Don’t even want to think about that night and the next 10 days after that. I haven’t seen the scumbag since. I hope he’s had bad karma all year. I sure could use that $360 this weekend. I don’t really want to mention Junior. I’ve done good because I have a distraction but I still think about him. Still miss his touch, his love. December is filled with dates. I know he thought about me on JayZ birthday. He knew how I crazy I was about him. I love the thought of him thinking about me cause I know he hates it. Too many memories to forget about me baby. Yesterday was his son birthday which five days apart from mine. I always made a big deal out of my birthday so he can’t forget that either even after we ended he still wished me happy birthday. The last time was 2014. 2015 is when I outed him to the wife. I have huge regrets about that. Especially when it comes to the kids. I was just so damn hurt. If I had it to do over again I can’t say I would do it. I’d be lying. The way I felt, I was totally in a bad place. Devastated to my core. I wish could say I did do things different. I’m paying for though. Dang it’s been almost five years ago. I don’t remember the last time I call his phone. I’m blocked. I wasn’t at first. Even after I sent that picture and he said he was a lady, he didn’t block me. I lied sent him an email Nov 25. There was a fight the Saturday before. I was thinking about him heavy around Thanksgiving. He would give me Thanksgiving Eve. The last Thanksgiving, we were arguing. We probably hadn’t talked so I made other plans and when he called, I couldn’t go. Always calling thinking I’d drop everything for him. I normally did but there were a few times I couldn’t. There were times when I was going out of out town didn’t want to see him before I left. He thought I was going be some other dude. Which most of the time I was. Lol. I was single. I never been involved with someone like him. He always wanted to know everything I was doing. He never shared his other side of like with me. I didn’t know much of anything. I didn’t like that. It was like he didn’t care enough to let me know what was going on. All I do know was he always would say he has a lot going on when he could spend time with me outside of work. He messed up when he started those Saturdays at the hotel. I just loved him so damn much and wanted to spend every moment with him. Eight years with him was a long time for an affair. I said I didn’t want to mention him. I’ve gone on and on about him. That’s still My Love though. I don’t know what God has in store for me. I wonder why he hasn’t sent me a husband. I’ve been holding out since February waiting for my something special. If He’s sending exactly what I want (Junior), I’ll wait. Anything can happen. I’m been trying to live right. To be a good Presbyterian and child of God. I’m not perfect but I’m so much better than I used to be. My number one flaw was making bad choices. I been reading my bible on a regular basis. That has helped a lot, I can see a change in my blessings. I really always thought that this time apart from Junior he was working on his spiritual growth. I know he was when I outed him. That was part of the reason he wouldn’t come back to me. To be continued. I think.

December 10, 2019

I said to be continued. My Silver Fox called when he got home to tell me how his biopsy went. His doctor told him he wasn’t far the levels he should be. We still have to wait for the test results. He goes back next week. So that’s more waiting. The doctor said it a 35% chance he has cancer. I have kept him prayed up that’s for sure. I will forego all my blessings for positive results. Now I’m scared because eI don’t want to lose him. He said there are some many advances in medicine, he can beat it if it comes to pass. This may seem selfish but where does that leave me. He was already stressed; he w would be even more stressed. The only way he is going to be ok is if the biopsy negative. Medicine or not it’s going to take a toll on him. All our plans will be gone down he tube. I don’t want to lose him. The story of my life. Last night he mentioned spending some time together during the holidays. I told him how lonely I get because at the end of the day I don’t have the someone special. I had already asked if we could bring in the new year together. I don’t want to be hurt again. He does sound better but hell now I’m a wreck. Don’t even want to write anymore. 

He passed away in July 2020