July 7, 2025 (Monday)

For the longest I have been trying hard to focus on my communication skills. Basic skills like making sure I speak clearly so people can hear me. I try to enunciate each word. Especially when I’m at work or holding an in-depth conversation with someone. I still need work of course. My first time speaking in front of an audience was 8^th grade. I had to recite The Preamble. I did good but I paused for a second which caused me to get a 99. I think I got nervous. I was the only black person in that class. US History and I can’t remember the lady’s name. I can see her face so clearly. She was on the heavy side. I barely passed that class. Mrs. Hough put me in all academic classes. I didn’t apply myself at all. Thinking back, she saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. My second time speaking was 11^th grade. I had to read a story I wrote. Mrs. Manning was surprised. I spoke well. Not a nervous bone in my body. Mrs. Manning always gave me good grades for my writing. When I looked over the pages, I still have, I be like this is whack.  I was young though. I wrote what I knew.  Me and Robin walking the streets thinking we grown.  Mrs. Manning sparked something in me. The love for literature. In 8^th grade we studied a few books. To Kill a Mockingbird was my favorite. In high school Emma and Wuthering Heights was my favorite. Reading and writing in my journal were my tools. I’ve been an avid writer since 9^th grade. I had so much to write about. It was an everyday thing for at the end of the day. Even when I was in school. If I felt the need to write, I’d write. I carried my journal with me back them.  I only have a few notebooks. Now I have a box full. Anyway, my momma always used to want me to speak at church during certain events. I pretty much stuck to my Easter speeches. It took awhile to get used to that. I go up but run back to my momma crying. When I took on the role as church secretary, I had to speak in front of everyone. All I did was read correspondence and announcements. I spoke on Mother’s Day one year. I don’t know if I did a good job. But I did feel the need to do it. As long as I am prepared, I love speaking in public. Now speaking to people or to a person is a whole different thing. People don’t receive information well. I’m guilty myself. It’s hard for me to focus sometimes. So, I may tune people out sometimes. When I’m talking it seems like everyone tune me out. I get so frustrated because it seems like it’s all the time. I do believe my man try to give the attention, but he will quickly change the subject if something comes to his mind. He’s not even aware of it. I don’t b&w. He good with affection so I’m never lacking when it comes to that. I never have to guess if he cares about me. The main thing is when we’re apart I don’t be sad or in despair.  I miss him but it doesn’t hurt. That’s love.  Been trying to find this for so long. I never thought it would be with an inmate. Of course, when people be locked up, they always looking for someone to hold them down. As soon as they get that taste of freedom, they forget about you. That is my biggest fear. I’ve expressed that to him more than once. He said he not going anywhere. He always said we have to main our separate homes. I really don’t mind that. He’s been living with other people for twenty-five years. I have to give him some peace.  Anyway, my family is very dysfunctional when it comes to communicating. My sister is mad at me right now because I don’t talk to her. People like her it’s best to shut and listen. You really not going to a word in. She might ask as question here and there. She went off on me saying I’m some timing and I don’t talk to her. I didn’t argue with her to tell her she doesn’t listen because she wouldn’t believe it. Our phone conversations were never a problem. My momma was the same way. Most of the time if I was talking to her, she didn’t pay me much attention. She rarely responds. Sometimes it would hurt my feelings. I never said anything to her either. No one listens anyway. I rarely explain myself to anyone. It doesn’t make a bit of difference. I’m not wasting my time. Some folks aren’t worth it. I’ll just look crazy. My sister was telling me on Mother’s Day that my momma was not going to beat cancer. It was going to quick. She kept saying I was looking at her like she was crazy. I may have been but what do you say to that. I believed her because I know she anointed with that gift. I was trying to digest it. I didn’t have any response. I was trying to comfort her. Hell I may have been doing it for myself. I just felt her pulling away from me. I reached for twice. I’m sure she don’t remember that. I felt some type of way, but I didn’t say anything. One time before she didn’t want me to touch her because I had been drinking. I didn’t say anything about that either. I know ministers like her be on some other type stuff. I will always respect that. Don’t try to make me feel inferior. Especially when it’s coming from someone who supposed to love me. At some point I didn’t really feel the love from people, and I felt the need to fall back. I was trying to put myself out there. I wanted to be more active. I was active with my class, Butler Heritage Foundation, Leadership Hartsville Class of 2023 and I did Democratic Women for a minute. I didn’t feel included at all with the democratic women. I was just a number. I thought Leadership Hartsville would be different. After we finished it was over. I did speak to the group after my class but that was it. I thought about joining one of the civic orgs in town, but the fees were a little too much for me. I really wanted to move into different circles. It didn’t work for me. I felt out of place. I did like going to the cigar lounge but after my membership ran out, I stopped going. I could just be a regular patron but that costs too. Now they were nice to me. I think they genuinely like when I came in. I always felt welcomed. I liked smoking cigars too. My man didn’t like that. I may have one here and there. Cigars don’t leave your mouth feeling yucky. Helps with anxiety too. Now more than ever, I need to keep my distance. My momma was always there for so many people. People talk about what a good person she was, but I didn’t see half the love my momma gave out when she passed. Not genuine love. People were there but that’s just what people do. I had a few people show up for me. I sent out thank you card. I did leave one person out. He don’t be thinking like that so I know he didn’t miss me not sending him a card. My man gets a pass. I’ve had a few people call or come check on me. I can count them on one hand. Another reason why I’m feeling some type of way. People always disappoint me so I’m used to it. I don’t like when people approach me and tell me they will do something for me and don’t follow through. I’m experiencing that too. I’m already feeling the struggle of paying the house bills. Ain’t nobody stepped up to help me yet. Not financially. And they won’t. I’m worried and scared I won’t be able to keep up.

I’ve always had a problem asking people for help. I think it’s because people always disappoint me. Deal call me all the time with nothing to say. I don’t even know why I answer my phone for him. Always giving him the chance to do right by me. All he does is vent about his bills. He’s over $30,000 in the hole. He got three houses. I think he trying to sell the one in Florida to get him back to good. He talk like I’m a priority but he don’t treat me like a priority. When my mom passed, he didn’t come around. He didn’t ask if I needed anything. Didn’t offer one bit of help. He knows I need it. All he wants is for me to come over. He can’t seem to help himself when he’s around me.  I maybe wrong for wanting to cut him off but he wrong for wanting something from me that I don’t want to give. A while back I wrote about getting in situations where I felt I couldn’t say no. I wanted the attention but not necessarily the sex. I’m 51 years old can’t be doing dumb stuff anymore. With Deal there have been a few times. He don’t understand what it does to me emotionally. I had the same problem with one of my baby daddies. I needed that emotional connection, and they were unavailable. I love my man cause when we are apart, I have no doubts about our relationship.  His sex don’t have me feeling like a fun girl when I leave him. I don’t feel used or sad. I’m worthy. I’m his Baby. I love that. He super sweet when he not joking and playing around. There have been many times I’ve left dudes crying because there was no time, no affection. Just getting fucked. Always looked for love in all the wrong place. Too young to realize it. My man never made me feel like damaged goods. He always tells me how much he appreciates me. Always tell me thank you just for being there. I have been sick the last three days. I think it’s my body reacting to my being gone for a month. Constipated but I haven’t felt like this in years. Pooping and throwing up. I’m miserable. Yesterday and Tuesday was hell.

Finally feeling normal. That was the longest three days. This morning was a little rough. I’m good now. I hope. Itching a little but that 24/7. I dreamed about my daddy last night and with all my dreams of him he was showing out and being difficult. We were at Piggly Wiggly. I don’t’ know why. I dream about that store a lot and Oakview when he stayed there. Dreams so crazy but I take them seriously. Several of my dreams have come to pass. The dreams I had about my momma were on point. She told me she was leaving and we’d be on our own. It was the house on the circle not Robinson Street. It wasn’t just a one-time dream either. It really bothered me. There was tension between us. That clearly came from me cause at a point I felt like she didn’t even like me. I did something to her to make her less open to me. When it was payday everything was good. Her whole demeanor changed. She didn’t like the way I did things. I felt like she always doing too much. It’s been like that all my life. I tried to explain that I wasn’t built like her. She knew that. She even told me how I was like my daddy. Not good under pressure. Not good at slaving around the house. I clean just not like she did. Vacuuming three times a day. That’s OCD. She said I was lazy but she don’t even understand how I got this way. I wasn’t always like this.  She never gave me the benefit of the doubt. Never had my back. I always used to brag about being her baby. I think after I left the presbytery office I wasn’t her baby anymore. She liked that I worked for Malloy but I noticed a change in the way she treated me. I wrote about it often in my journal. Of course, I never said anything. I was writing this for my blogger but clearly I can’t post this. My sister already said I be putting family business out there. I will add it but won’t publish it. Not now anyway. This is a little too personal. I like to live in my truth but some people don’t like their truth out there. I do protect people’s privacy but if you are in my life, I may not adhere to those rules. I will not repeat things I’m told in confidence. I don’t tote gossip because I don’t know if it true. I refuse to disturb someone’s peace over a lie. No bueno.