So we are half way through September and I haven’t posted a blog yet. If I was a true writer I think I’d be suffering from writer’s block. So I decided to just give an update of what’s been happening.  Work – is the most stress-free part of my life.  I love my job, I love what I do and I love most of the people that I come in contact with. I couldn’t be more blessed in that aspect of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Home – is somewhat stressful. There are good days and bad days. For the most part home is good when the kids have everything they need. I don’t concern myself with things they want and I can’t provide because I think they know if I could I would do anything for them.  I don’t know how they got to be so understanding but they are and they never make me feel less than. We were sitting around talking the other night and my oldest told me thank you for being a good mom. It made me feel good; I finally did something right.  It was like nothing anyone says about you matters, I’m your child and I say you’re a good mom. I’m thankful for having kids that aren’t too out of control. Things could have gone a lot different with the boys but luckily they turned out ok.  As for me – I made my short term goal but I didn’t make the next one. Boys always have been a distraction.  I can say that I like someone and I look forward to seeing how things go with him. It’s been slow but I’m not bothered by that. I’m still obsessing over love and marriage. Wondering if I’ll ever get either and why it bothers me so much. I felt like if I knew then I could stop obsessing over it. It’s the not knowing that bothers me. If I knew for a fact that love wasn’t in the cards I’ve been dealt. I think I could accept it and move pass it. No one knows though. So I continue my struggle. I hate it cause there are other things in life I could be focusing on.  And I use the word obsess cause as much as I don’t want to think about it I can’t help it. My mind always goes back to my nonexistent love life. Everything else with me is good. I need to find something to get involved with but at the same time I enjoy not having a lot of responsibilities.  I love being able to actually chill when I get off and on the weekends. Sometimes it bothers me that I don’t go out socially but lately I’ve been content at home.  And it goes back to my love live again because I wish I had that significant other to chill with me at home or to go out with. I have some issues involving someone  that I need to sort out. I don’t think I can get past these issues unless I sit down with this person and have an objective conversation. Part of me doesn’t want to because I feel like this person doesn’t value anything that I say and I think that’s my whole issue with them anyway. Like I’m making a big deal out of nothing but what I want them to understand and respect is that it’s a big deal to me. I’ve reached out once and ask if we could get together and talk. I didn’t get a response so I’m going to leave it at that. But for me it’s an issue and I can’t forget about it or let it go. I still haven’t been to visit my daddy’s grave. Sometimes I wonder if Junior was right about me when he said I don’t care. I do love my daddy and I hate that I can’t talk to him no more. I miss him and his nice mean ways. Most of all I miss him because I know he loved me. It’s just something about a father’s love for his daughter that’s special, we had that. I was his baby and everybody knew how much he loved me. It was always me with him and vice versa. I got family that takes care of me and cares for me but it ain’t nothing like the love and care my daddy had for me. Now if I can find a man in my life that could come close to topping that then he is worthy. Good solid love, us against the world love. That’s what I’m looking for. Even though I’m not alone, I feel like I’m alone.  I feel like there is no one who truly understands or even care enough to understand the things that I go through. You tell people and they just brush you off so you stop trying to find someone who listens and can understand. You try to get through life and handle your pressures by yourself because no one understands. You find ways to cope and for some of us our ways to cope with our struggles are not good coping mechanisms. I’m not going to get into all that because that’s a little too personal but for a long time I have been struggling and didn’t even know it. I think now that I’m more aware I’m better but I’m not where I need to be. Some days it can be good and some days it can be bad. It’s like they say “one day at a time”. I can’t think about tomorrow. I have to make it through today first. Whenever it’s a bad day I cope. It’s hard but I think about who I’m living for and I’m reminded that as much as I want to I can’t give up. It’s so easy to punk out and quit life but it takes a strong person to continue through all the crap life throws at you. I can admit I get tired of being strong sometimes but I’m proud that I know I have that strength.  Some girls/women can’t handle the pressures that I’m faced with. I remember listening to “Some How, Some Way” all the time. That was my motivation to get out of the projects. I was deteremined to get a house and I got it. By the grace of God I did it on my own. My church helped me with my escrow money and my cousin helped me with clearing the land but I paid everybody back. That was my second greatest achievement in life. I just want people to say “Oh Nay Samuel, she good people”. I can be happy with that. Anyway life goes on…