This picture gives all the reasons for my writing. I do it because I love it and I want to express my feelings. I do it to teach as well. Hoping someone will read an experience that they can relate to and learn from. There is a part of me that is private but there are times when I want to share what I’m feeling or going through a situation that I want to share. If it’s important to me I'm going to write about it, That is a given. As I said before people have had problems with me writing about them. I think it has more to do with the way I portrayed them in my writings, One thing I do in my writing is tell the truth. I write what I see and what I feel. If a person makes me feel bad I'm going to tell it. They may not like it but it’s the truth. My truths hurt me sometimes but that’s life. Either I can change it or live with it. If you can't handle What I might say about you then don't deal with me on a personal level. Me 20 years ago is so different from me now. Back then I was so self-absorbed. I didn't care about anybody but myself. It was all about me and what I wanted. I'm still like that to some degree but not like I was back then. I have a lot more compassion for people nowadays. I'm not perfect but far from the way I used to be. Because I didn’t care about other people's feelings, I think I was much stronger than I am now. I think it’s safe to say I was cold-hearted. Now I'm just a ball of emotions. I break down watching tv. I'm just not as strong as I used to be. In a way, I wish I was. I see love on tv and get so upset. Upset because I wish I had it. Other than that I don't mind being a lil softy. I'm a woman I'm supposed to be soft and gentle. Soft and gentle don't mean pushover either. I will only let my kindness go so far. I will allow people to take advantage of me but once I'm tired of it, I'm done with it. I won’t hesitate to cut a person off or put distance in between us. You know when you can’t count on someone to be there for you as you have been there for them. I’ll let people get away with big things; it’s always the petty stuff that upsets me more. Petty stuff is dumb stuff. Stuff you can’t give an explanation for. It goes to show how much that person values you. If you can do something small to hurt me you don’t give a rat's behind about doing something major that would hurt me. That’s where I draw the line, zero tolerance for people like that in my life. People always talk about loyalty and keeping it 100 with you, they expect that of you but they not reciprocating. The ones who cry about it the most are the exact ones who don’t deserve it. All I have is my word and my balls type people. Your balls are weak and so is your word. It’s so easy for me to point out someone who contradicts themselves. If you don’t do it, don’t speak it. Be you; you don’t have to front for me. Some people are lucky, they don’t become significant enough for me to write about them. I like those types better. They don’t get tainted. They are the ones who I maintain casual relationships with. The ones I can chill with from time to time. Good people, I like to call them. The less time you spend with them the less likely you are to get in conflict with them. That’s how I like to keep it, no drama; just enjoying life. When things are good that is when I don’t write as much. Things are bad, I write every day. My internal struggles are sometimes hard for me to let go. I’m having an issue with someone who used to be a big part of my life. It bothers me that this person doesn’t see me as a friend anymore. I understand why and it’s for good reason but I’m still having a hard time accepting it. I feel like I got played. All the wrong this person has done to me over the years and I was still trying to hang onto our friendship. I feel like an idiot now but I’m hoping when karma goes around that person is not forgotten. Talk about loyalty. All the dirt I could have told but our friendship meant more to me. Plus I don’t like to intentionally hurt anybody. I’m suffering as is. Being punished for my selfish decisions from the past. I accept responsibility but I’m like ok it’s been long enough now. I kept some significant pages of my journal just in case but I really don’t think I would achieve what I would want to happen by making those pages public. Plus I think about karma. Sometimes I want people to hurt just because they hurt me. Me being wiser I realize that God will work it out for me. I use writing as a coping mechanism too to deal with situations. I write it out and think things through and sometimes I get lucky and figure things out. Understand why I’m in a bad mode or something to that effect. I can be depressed and not know my exact reason why but writing it out helps. I don’t write as much as I used to but I don’t think I will ever quit all together. I don’t want to quit. It’s what I do. If I not writing, I’m not me. #wearingmysmile
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