My Deepest Fear

Describe your deepest fear. What is it about this entity that frightens you? Is this a logical or irrational fear? When did it start?

My greatest fear in life is that I will never find love. I’ve been wanting and waiting for so long. I’m only 38 but I feel like time is running out on me. I want to have love while I’m still young. The feeling you get when you have someone in your life you can tell things to. A person that you can tell all your hopes, dreams and aspirations. Knowing that they are truly listening. The feeling of a person who wants to talk to you, because you are you. The feeling of a friend. I want those feelings. I fear I won’t find love because it’s the greatest gift you can have in your life. I’m such a fan of it; I love everything about it. Steve Harvey says ‘if you don’t have love, you lacking some major shit in your life”. That’s exactly how I feel. If love is done the right way, it’s the best thing in the world. I want to experience what its like to love someone and that person love me back. I’ve been in relationships before but I don’t think any of those guys truly loved me. Some people don’t know exactly what love is. Cheating on someone taints love. Taking your partner for granted taints love. Not being considerate of your partner’s feelings taints love. People complicate love and it gets messy. Then they get confused and say things like “love hurts”. Nah, if it hurts it’s not love. No relationship is perfect; there will be problems but its how you handle your problems that matter. There are always times you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater. But, the love you have for each other is bigger than these small differences. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot of things that may go wrong in your relationship. Good communication is very important. You have to be able to talk to each, listen to each other and try your best to understand each other. Never hold back how you’re feelings. It will build up and cause resentment. Resentment leads to unhappiness. Unhappiness causes strain on your relationship. I always said if I do find love; I’m going to put every effort into making it work. I’m not going to be a pushover but if I feel it’s worth saving I’m going to work hard to keep it. I think my fear of not finding love is logical because a lot of people want and can’t find love. So it’s not just my fear. Millions of people have this same fear. I wish I knew whether or not I’ll find love. It’s the not knowing that drives me crazy. I obsess over it. If I knew for sure that I will never find love, I can work on accepting it. I try to work on not obsessing over it but I want it so bad. I can’t let it go. I’m at the point where I’m just waiting for the right person to find me. I’m not a very good judge of character when it comes to men. Guys that I picked don’t pick me. There are some guys that pick me that I’m not interested in. I feel bad but I have to be happy in my choice. I can’t settle because he really likes me and will be good to me. I have to be able to reciprocate. The chemistry has to be there. I tried a few times to see if I could settle with someone who wasn’t appealing to me and it never worked out. I had to be honest with them as well as myself to. I don’t play games. I don’t like leading people on. I know how it is to be lied to so when it comes to affairs of the heart I try to be honest. No one likes rejection but I rather you reject me than play me. In high school I was always in a relationship. I never thought that one day I’d have a hard time finding a boyfriend. It wasn’t until I started dealing with Avalon in November 1999 that I couldn’t get a man to commit to me, to be with me. I was with him but I was the side chick and it stayed that way. I thought eventually he would pick me but that never happened. I realized he loved someone else. I loved him and I want to be with him but I understood why he didn’t pick me. Love is love and you can’t help that. I was so hurt and in so much emotional pain during that time. I was so glad when I finally realized I didn’t love him anymore. I was “stupid in love” with him. Once I started talking to Junior in 2004 I knew that I would be nothing more than the side chick. After dealing with him for awhile I started wanting my own happiness, my own something special. I wanted love like he had with his girl. I wanted my own man, someone to share my time with, to make memories with. So here I am eight years later still single and still waiting. Even though my life is not the way I want it to be I’m still wearing my smile.