My last EX

I called my ex last Monday just to say hey, chit chat, and see how he was doing. To me it was nothing more or nothing less. I don’t have ill feelings toward him so I feel we can be cordial and civil. I don’t ever want to have ill feelings towards any of my exs but I don't think my exs feel the same way about me. Yesterday morning this particular ex calls to tell me he misses me and he wants to get back together. One more than one occasion he’s asked to come back, every time I’ve said no. For some reason he thinks I’m lying when I say I don’t want to get back with him or that I don’t love him. Forgive me if I’m wrong but if I felt that way I think I would have went back by now. Probably the first time he asked me. We keep having the same conversation of why we broke up. We had an argument, about what I don’t remember, he was packing up he stuff like he was about to leave. When I asked him if he was leaving, he never answered me so I didn’t know. All I knew was if he was planning on leaving me he needed to get to stepping. He was sitting around so I told him if he was leaving he needed to go ahead. I’m thinking what are you waiting on if your mind is made up. He left that night and of course I was miserable. I had gotten so used to him being there. I wanted him to come back. When we were apart we were talking and I would go to his job. I think he was planning on coming back but he wanted to teach me a lesson. Instead I taught him a lesson, I didn’t want him. I had doubts about our relationship before he left. I wanted love so bad it wasn’t about him; it was about being in a relationship. When I realized I didn’t love him, I loved being in a relationship it was easy to get over it and move on. When he realized I moved on he didn’t like it. It was more of who he thought I was moving on with. He keeps saying over and over that I won’t take back because of some text messages that I saw in his phone. I was thinking maybe we could get back together but at that point he wasn’t what I wanted anymore. Yes to a relationship but no to a relationship with him.  As many times as we've had this conversation I have told him what happened and why I didn’t want him back. He still continues to believe it was because of the texts. The texts he keeps explaining and I could care less about. It pisses me off that men always believe what they want even though you tell them over and over again your reasons or explanation. I seem to have a hard time getting people to hear me. Like I’m lying to myself about how I actually feel. If I don’t love you or want to be in a relationship with you I think I’m pretty sure about that. I love love and want a relationship so bad. If he was the one I wanted, I know that’s where I would be. Anyway, it’s been almost two years since we broke up and I’m trying to figure out why he thinks I would give him another chance. I know that the lies he told me, he expect me to believe but I actually think he believed them too. Men are good at manipulating women into believing their crap. I think that’s what he expected of me but I was a lil better stronger than he thought I was. A woman in love can see it for herself but if he tells her, “no, you didn’t see that” some woman are so weak and desperate they believe it. She can’t see pass loving him and wanting to be with him. I will never let a man manipulate me like that ever again. I tried to tell him about different incidents that happened while we were together. Most of them he didn’t remember or has his own version of what happened. Again, like I’m lying. I don’t have to make stuff up for why I don’t like you. If I’m asked why, I can give the simple explanation of “I just don’t”. It is what it is and right now nothing’s going to change that. I try to be honest as possible without having to hurt his feelings but he never listens to me.  I had to be a little brutal with him yesterday saying, I know what I’m looking for when it come to love and he’s not it. I know how I want to feel, how I want to be treated and he didn’t treat me like that so my answer is no. As I’ve said before I get upset with myself because there are guys that like me and want to be with me but I don’t like them. It’s the power of choice. He can’t mad at me for not choosing him. I can’t get mad at anyone for not choosing me. As much as I hate not being picked, I understand it. I have mad respect for any guy whose man enough to be upfront with me and tell me that he’s just not that into me. The short term pain of the truth rather than the long term pain cause by a lie. My ex said he would call me back but he didn’t. He said he still loved me and I don’t believe that. When we were together I don’t think he loved me. I thought I loved him but I didn’t. I didn’t know for a fact but I believe he was cheating on me. We were only together five months and by the time we broke up he was treating me like we been together for five years. It went down just that fast. The thing with me is, what you do in the beginning you can’t change it. You don’t take away from me. The longer we are together you should be more giving to me. He knew how badly I wanted to be in a relationship. He thought he had me, thought I wasn’t going anywhere. I may have come off as desperate for love but I’m not a fool.