Thinking about Junior like always and we recently had a conversation about me being so negative. He’s told me before that he didn’t like talking to me because I’m always talking about how life isn’t the way I want it to be. I will admit I’m looking for sympathy from him. I love him, I want to be with him and I know he would bring my life much happiness. Delusional, that he will feel sorry for me and give me what I want. I keep thinking he loves me as much as I love him. If I can’t talk about my woes of the world with him then who? I know what he means when you talking to someone who’s always complaining. It’s like “I don’t want to hear this crap” but for a friend you will make an exception because clearly they need a shoulder. You want to there for your friend. A true friend is going to listen negative or positive. So it hit me that we aren’t friends, he doesn’t care like I thought he did. Yesterday I reached out to him three times but didn’t get a response. So I realized he doesn’t want to be bothered with me. I know if I had someone to occupy my time it would be easier to not think about him. I would think about him but I wouldn’t act on my feelings for him. I sent him an email and apologized to him. I told him I wouldn’t bother him ever again. That’s going to take a miracle but I’m determined. I’m proud of my love for him. I want to keep him in my life but he doesn’t want that. I don’t want anything from him that he doesn’t want to “give” me. It’s taking me a minute to grasp the fact that I don’t have it “like that” anymore when it comes to him. I’ve been loving him for eight years. It won’t go away. I told Junior I would be more conscious about my negativity. I don’t care that he thinks I’m negative but I don’t want to be like that with other people. I think it just him but I could be wrong. I really can’t be mad at him. I take him through so much back and forth. I dump him then I want to love him again. Only men do stuff like that.
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