Since I have absolutely nothing to do at the moment I thought it would be good to catch up on my writing. As I said so many times before I’m just here existing. I’m not having the life that I want and so far it’s been impossible trying to make that life happen. The men I come in contact with don’t want to settle down, they playing games or they just aren’t good enough. I don’t think I’m being too picky. Stats say you’re only going to get 80% of what you are looking for in a person. I think that’s a lot. I’m not perfect so I don’t expect my partner to be perfect. Perfect for me but not perfect, if that makes sense. Every relationship has some expectations; we have to be on the same page as far as what we want/need from each other. I’m not unrealistic about my expectations. I think I’m a plain, simple, and very easy to please person. Love and attention is the only thing I ask for. I love gifts and nice things too but that isn’t a requirement. Maybe on special days but if some one loves you they are going to do things that they know make you happy. I was happy and felt so special when Junior gave me gifts. I cherished them like no one ever gave me anything before. Unfortunately I lost both pair of earrings he brought me. I was so upset about that. It was my way of feeling close to him.  I don’t have anything else that connects me to him except memories. That’s good but because I love him that’s not enough. I always want to be reminded of him and our love. I often wonder if I’d ever find someone like him or better. He was awesome. I really doubt I can find someone to surpass him. I thought he was the perfect person for me. I call him “the love of my life” because I never experienced love like his before. Our connection was strong and I don’t mean just in a physical sense. The love was there, it was strong and I have no doubts about that now. It’s was hard to deal with being without him all the time. We just weren’t meant to be. If we were it would have happened for us. It took me a long time to let go too. I just didn’t want to give up because I knew the love was there. Love wasn’t our problem, just other stuff. Stuff I had no control over. I was delusional too. The last time I saw him I cried and cried because I love him so much and I didn’t want to end it. I wanted him to give me what I wanted but I knew that was impossible. It was something I had to do for my well-being. If he could have given up more of his time to spend with me I think I would have been content with that. It was always “I can’t.” I got tired of that. I got tired of missing him and wanting to be with him. Even though he said he didn’t like being apart from me his actions didn’t prove that to me. I believe if it’s something you really want you will do whatever it takes to make it happen. But because he chose not to make it happen for me, for us, I had to stop. I’m looking for what I call “my own something special”, a man who is committed to me. I want to be someone’s priority. I want a “Bey and Jay”, “Tiny and Tip” type of relationship. I want to be his “ride or die” “always got his back”  “always in his corner type relationship. What I give, I expect in return. With Junior, we both stop giving. He blames me and I take responsibility for my part but he assumes he’s never done anything wrong. Him not being with me is what he doesn’t assume responsibility for. If he would have been there a lot of stuff that happened wouldn’t have happened. He doesn’t understand that. I don’t care that he couldn’t. His “reasons why” he couldn’t had nothing to do with me.  Then he’d purposely not be with me because of the things I did when he wasn’t around. So that was a no win. Even if I did do right he would never believe me because he didn’t trust me at all. I destroyed it. I know I could have done right by him but I felt he never gave me a reason to. You want me to show you but you can’t show me. Anyway I really didn’t mean to go into detail about that. My love life sucks and it’s depressing to think about it. Which is something I do all the time. Obsessed with being chosen. I get the feeling that if I ever do find love I’m not going to like it or get bored with it. I know for sure I don’t like arguing. I don’t like having to prove my fidelity. Because I want it so bad why would I do anything to jeopardize that? I’m just lying low right now. I’m so tried of the rejection. I be trying to give guys a chance but it just doesn’t work out the way I want it too. So I’m taking a sabbatical right now. Rejection is all I got to give these days. I just exist for my babies until my time is up. I need to focus on improving my finances. I like nice things and I want to be able to travel. I’m not making enough money to afford those things so that’s what I need to change. I feel like I’m away from the house too much as it is. Getting another job or going to school will be more time away from the house. No time to be momma. La a preteen and boys will be an issue in a few years. I need to be home. I don’t want lil boys getting in her ear sweet talking her into letting them come over while momma is at work. I guess having the finer things is something I’ll have to continue to do without for right now.

Normally like to write a lil something on my birthday. Really not much going on in my life. The same old same is all I can say. I really need to be more thankful and appreciative of the life I have because it could be so much worse. I have been blessed beyond measure. I look at some people my age and notice they haven’t accomplished anything in life. I can say I haven’t accomplished a lot either but I’ve done a few things that I’m proud of. My greatest accomplishment is my children. I’m so thankful that they aren’t street people. They’re far from perfect but I don’t have any trouble with them. Some kids their age have been to jail multiple times. I’m very lucky that Roc’s incident with the law was something minor. We have definitely learned from that and won’t make that mistake again. Adrianna is a handful. I always tell her she stresses me. I love her though; she’s my baby. Just like I’m, my momma’s baby. That’s a special spot to be in.