Admiration and Inspiration

I have been starting a blog post all week and haven’t successfully posted anything yet. I’ve had a lot on the brain the last few days. Stuff that ofcourse is petty and needs to be dealt with immediately. My procrastination ismaking it worse than what it is.  Wheneverit’s something like this I always have to build up the courage. I do eventuallybut it shouldn’t even have to be like that. I recognize it, I know it needs tobe changed, I’m supposed to just handle it right then. I’ve gotten so soft. I don’t have issues with people. I don’t do drama so I think that may have something to do with it. In high school it was always something. I had no choice but to stayon point.  Enough about that; stressing for nothing, about nothing. Anyway, I was curious about Rihanna’s song “Stay soI listened to it and now it has me thinking about Junior. I have been preoccupied with someone else lately so I haven’t been thinking about him that much. I prayed for a distraction because I knew that was the only way I could leave him alone. After reaching out to him and not getting a response I felt like a fool. This man is not thinking about you, don’t want to be bothered withyou, leave him alone. I’m trying but listening to this song kind of brought my feelings for him back to the surface. I miss him, I can’t even remember the last time I saw him. I think it was May. We’ve never been apart this long so I guess it’s finally really over. Of course I don’t want to go back but the loveis definitely still there. I’ve said I didn’t want to ever stop loving him. Because it’s still there- it’s real. I don’t think he doubted my love though. That was never the problem. Anyway, I’ve been dealing with my distraction off and on since 2011. Doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. Now that he’s single it feels new for some reason. We spend a lot more time together. Only thing I don’t like is that we aren’t going anywhere. He’s not ready to be in another relationship right now. I don’t blame him cause he went through a lot with his ex. If or when he is it won’t be with me. I’m 10 years older than him and I think he wants to be with someone closer to his age. I think he may want to have more kids too. I’m not interested in that at all. I don’t think I’m even capable of having more children. Because of the way he’s come up he’s very mature. He seems more focused then some men my age. He has a plan for life. I’m hoping he gets to where he needs to be to achieve all his dreams. I’ve always thought he was smart. He’s always thinking about growth. Everything he does is to get him to something better. He has the potential to be and do anything he wants and I think he’s going to make it. Right now I’m just doing what I can to be there for him. People are so quick to turn their back on you when you down and out. I can’t see myself doing that to him or anyone for that matter. He knows I’m in his corner and anything I can help him with I got him. I think to show me that he appreciates me we went to dinner and a movie last week. Sad I haven’t been to the movies with a guy in 10 years. I went bowling and to dinner back in 07. That’s still along time. I had a good time of course. We’ve always enjoyed each others company. Our conversations are always good.  We learn from each other. He’s opened my eyes to a world I knew nothing about. I’ve dealt with street dudes but he different because he’s shared a lot about his life with me. We came up totally different. Listening to him talk, I’ve been blessed all my life. I want to be someone he can think back on and say, “She looked out for me”. I can’t do much but sometimes we appreciate the small things more. Like him taking me out. I felt special. That’s how it’s supposed to be. He even said that’s how it’s supposed to be. Guys should want you to feel special and do what they can to put a smile on your face. And because I’m not selfish and appreciated him thinking of me, I paid for dinner.  Something he may not be used to. I really like him as a person because he is not like the average guy. He ain’t about being with all these different girls like most guys his age. He looks for people who are genuine. You should always want to surround yourself with people you know genuinely care about you. Loyalty is a really big thing for him. Considering the type of relationship we have I hope he doesn’t question my loyalty to him. He only concerns himself with us. We can be open and honest about everything. I just really think he’s a great person. I didn’t always think this way about him but that was because I really didn’t know him. I have a better understanding of him and I appreciate him opening up to me. Junior kept to himself mostly. We dealt for almost eight years and there is so much I don’t know about him. He always kept me at a distance. I don’t feel that way with TCG. Everybody needs somebody to talk to. I try to be a good listener. I feel I don’t really have that. Junior never listened to me. I’d talk but he never took the time to actually listen and understand me. I always said he was quick to pass me off as crazy. My feelings are real to me and I don’t think there is nothing crazy about me. TCG says I have my blonde moments sometimes and I agree but crazy, I’m not.  Men will call you crazy or insecure to throw you off but I don’t fall for that. I used to though. I’ve played the game too long and I know when game is being run. Nowadays,if you get over on me, please trust, it’s only because I’ve allowed you too. When I get fed up and it’s not worth saving you get two fingers from me, deuces. It’s almost that time and I’m so ready to go home. I get a four day weekend so I’m super excited about that. It’s taken me all day to write this. I could go on but I’m out. Til next time ❤✌