Sitting here thinking about the love of my life and can’t help but wonder what he’s up to. Me being that nag I am called him yesterday. I didn’t know what to say to him. Half the time I just want to hear his voice. I really wish I could be in his presence. I can’t believe so much time has gone by since the last time I saw him. Anyway, I told him to check his emails. I asked him has he replaced me. He had a smart response of course and said “I replaced me”. He’s right because I ended it. I couldn’t take being without him all the time. All that good loving he gives, I wanted it for myself and he couldn’t/wouldn’t give me that so I had to let it go. It hurt like hell but it was the only way to protect me. I wanted to stay but I wanted him to give me the type of relationship I deserve. I always maintained that he was the one for me. When we were together and everything was good it was so perfect. He was perfect. We fit together perfectly. I knew he was just as crazy about me as I was about him. It just wasn’t meant to be. I know if it wasn’t for our situation things could have been good. We were together for almost eight years. It wasn’t out of habit; it was love. Love kept us both holding on. We went back and forth a lil bit because he kept answering my question with a question. I told him to tell me just so I’ll know. It really doesn’t matter. I already know he doesn’t love me anymore. Nothing else can hurt me more than that. He said there was no one “new”. Reading between the lines he’s dealing with someone else. At one point he said something about dealing with someone else but it wasn’t what he wanted. I’m thinking it could be that person. It could be the chick he went to a concert with. How couldn’t he give another chick more privilege than me? That’s what he always complained about; why would how go and do the same thing. He’s hypocrite. I still think about him. I don’t want him with anyone else either. I know that’s unrealistic of me but my heart is still in it so for me it’s justified. For some reason he kept asking me what’s my real question. My real question was what I asked him. I don’t know why he thought I was beating around the bush. That’s kind of typical for him though; he’s never listening. He reads in between the lines instead of the lines. I do the same thing. I’m looking at what he ain’t saying. He never liked reassuring me anyway. I didn’t think that was too much to ask for because of our situation. I know there is someone else. That person will have to go through the same crap I went through. Not enough time and attention. I demand better than the “homie-lover-friend” status. I pissed Junior off so he ended up calling me. We talked for a little. He doesn’t want to talk about us. If we ain’t talking about us there’s no need to talk period. I think he thinks I want to come back. I do but I know I can’t have it my way. I guess I’m still hoping. Delusional, it will never be my way when it comes to him. That’s the only thing that keeps me from giving in. Who ever said a piece of man was better than man at all, lied. If I didn’t love him so much I would settle for “a piece”. When it comes to him I ain trying to share. The love is too good. Pure passion and I’ve never experienced anything or anyone like him. His hugs takes my breath away just imagine how awesome everything else. He made a reference to us getting together but I said no. Only because I want more. I’m quick to set myself for disappointment. I know better but sometimes I do the dumbest things. I don’t crave the attention like I used to. Craving attention led to dumb decisions in the past. When you’re in you don’t really see it. Thank God for knowledge and wisdom. I don’t even know why I’m writing about him. It’s nothing that I haven’t already said before. A thousand times, I’m sure. I just love him that much. Can’t let it go. Don’t want to let it go. I was using a TCG as a distraction and it worked but I need to be going after what I really want. I want a relationship and TCG and I are different points in our life. He’s not ready to settle down. I knew that but I really needed to stop obsessing over Junior and the only way to do that was to occupy my time as much as possible. TCG reached out at the perfect time. I was vulnerable. Now I got to get away from him too. He has a lot going on and I’m not used to all that. I want a drama free existence. I’m a totally different place than what I was at the end of 2012. I don’t like where I am. I don’t blame him but some of my recent choices haven’t been good. I know if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be where I am now. I’m my own person I made bad choices. Momentary lapse in judgment, that’s what boys to do me. I’m a sucker for love. I’m trying to get it, clearly going about it the wrong way. Now I’m stepping back from it, ducking off for awhile. I got to get myself to where I need to be again. Every time I get there I do something stupid and I’m back at zero. I know better but I mess up every time. That’s just plain stupid. Maybe that’s why no one understands me. I’m explaining the best way I can but no one is listening. The best thing is to not say anything. This time I have to do the right things. I’m starting with 40 days no relations. I think I can hold out to March 24th. I’m counting from Ash Wednesday. I could go back to the Feb 9th but I rather leave it like it is. He’s going to have to be mighty special for me to give in. I’m talking “put a ring on it” type of special. I don’t see that happening. These mf’s I come in contact with aint about jack. I got too much to offer. From this point forward I have to remember my worth. TCG got potential but he stuck and he says he wants to get out but he keeps going backwards. He has his reasons and I understand. I can’t cause his backwards to take me backwards and that’s what has been happening. I feel his mind is set as he has nothing to lose. He can’t go no where but up. I, on the other hand, got shit to lose. My job and if I lose that my house is next. My car too. I’m sorry to walk away from him but I got to protect myself. I been putting him over me and that’s not cool. I’m not a selfish person but I can’t be stupid.
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