Love - I Got to Change the Subject.

Feeling a little sad today. Thinking about love, again. How I want it so bad, again. How many times I tried and failed. Trying with the wrong people. Trying with people I don’t even really like. If I didn’t think about it so much it wouldn’t hurt so damn bad.  I was watching a Beyonce documentary the other night and I couldn’t help but scream. Seeing her and Jay together set me off. They seem so in love. I believe there love is real and I believe they work extra hard at it. They have too because their both celebrities and there is always gossip. They don’t hold back on their feelings for each other. They don’t tell the world but they tell each other just how much they care for each other. When there is no doubt that makes it a lil easier. It was so sweet watching them but it hurt at the same time because what they have is what I want. I want my own something special, my own little happiness. They support each other. She calls him her best friend and I want that too. I need someone who can understand me. I don’t know if I ever had that. On instagram killing time, bored at work and I see pictures of Rihanna and Chris Brown from her bday party. I’m sensitive about holidays. I wish I had a significant other to spend special days with. I don’t get that. I don’t even like telling people now because I'll expect something. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. I’m better about it than I used to be. Clearly they love each other. They were apart for three years and are back together. Their love didn’t skip a beat. Even though Chris was wrong for what he did I like them together. I hope they beat the odds. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into something that isn’t even there. No matter what I did I was never going to get that title. I keep doing that over and over. I’m trying so hard when I know from the beginning ain no future in it. So I get mad and walk away. I have to walk away. I’ve made a fool of myself. I got some type of feelings involved I got to walk away. Stupid girl, I know better. Always fail to do better though. I’m talking about TCG when I’m stuck too. We just stuck in different ways. I don’t want to waste another second thinking about my nonexistent love life but I have nothing else going on. I try not to take on responsibilities because I want my free time to be just that. If I sit and stay depressed that’s my problem. I don’t want the company, trust me. I like my time to myself. I can’t go wrong there. Besides, the people I want to spend time with don’t have the time to give me. The Hartsville High basketball team plays at the civic center this Saturday. It’s huge, everybody will be there but I don’t want any part of it. As much as I like to people watch I just don’t want to be out and about like that. Dillon was the only thing I’m doing until our family reunion in July and that’s it. I’m serious about being ducked off. I’m not in the mood for socializing at all. Not in the mood to be around people period. Work, church and home are all I planned to do. I wish I could give up one other thing but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. All I can do is keep searching for the right, pray it stops avoiding me.