So its a few days before spring and I figure it’s time to do a little spring cleaning. I’m talking about my “whatever it is” I still have going with Junior. Clearly, he is done with me. It never felt as final as it does now. All before there was still some feelings involved on his end but now I truly feel that he feels nothing for me. It’s been a long time and a lot has happened. Men aren’t as forgiving as woman are so I understand that he probably thought I never loved him or whatever it is that he thought. I really hate that he never took the time to hear the truth. I hate that he believe all the crap he assumed was going on with me. I’ve listen to different people tell me about myself and people really need to take the time to listen. My actions always don’t reflect my feelings. As a woman we do a lot of things based on emotions but dealing with men who are totally the opposite you can’t react on your emotions with them. Our desire for them is completely different from their desire for us. The reason why we mess up all the time we give up the power for love. Love, a man probably has no intention of receiving or giving. I was either in denial or delusional with Junior. I really thought we would be together one day. I thought because I knew what I felt for him was real that my dream would come true. There was a period in our relationship that I knew he loved me. He didn’t have to tell me, he showed me. The few things that he did, he didn’t have to do. He did it because he wanted to. He knew what I liked, he knew what made me happy but I never really got my way with him. It was always his way, on his terms and it was always very special to me. I have to say he was the closest thing to real love I ever had. I was good to him in my own way as well. It wasn’t the way he wanted but I guess we were the same in that aspect. We never gave one another what we really wanted from each other. That’s why I feel like he didn’t give me enough. No matter how hard I tried he would never tell me what I wanted to hear. I respect him for not wanting to lie or lead me on but I so badly wanted him to tell me it would be me. He never told me because he knew it never would be me. In all that time, I never had a chance. All that hurt day in and out, night after night was for nothing. In reality I’m stuck in that same place because even though we haven’t seen each other in five months I still got feelings for him. I still call his name. He didn’t actually tell me he didn’t want to be bothered with me but I finally got the picture. I been got it but I kept trying like a fool. Thinking because I still got feelings for him he has to have feelings for me too. Unbelievable but he just sent me an email. He misses me. I don’t know what to think of it. I admit that I’m happy to know he’s thinking about me. I really didn’t think he did. I really thought he was tired and done with me and living life. I can’t get caught up in him though. It will never be what I want. I know I may never get the type of relationship, love, romance that I’m looking for but I can’t settle for anything less. Less is what I’ve gotten all my life and look where I am now. If I don’t treat me like I deserve the world no one else will. If anyone I come across feels I don’t deserve the world then they don’t deserve me. My pride will either get me a prince or the rest of my lifetime alone. Just that quick I was ready to run back if he was opening that door for me. Sad. I really, really want to be with him. We had some bad times in the past but for me when things were good with us it out weighed all of the crap we went through. I never dwelled on the negative of our relationship. Only thing negative I ever said was him not being able to be with me. We were never together especially after I started working in Florence. I still think that was the best decision for me. Anyway I started this blog because I was cleaning house. I need to put my attention where it’s useful. Right now the best thing for me to do is focus on me. There are times in your life when you have to be a little selfish and I think now is one of those times. After what I went through with TCG, I have to put me first for awhile. I’ve been on a sabbatical from people over the last month and it was much needed. I know it’s not good to isolate yourself but I needed some time to process the events of January and February. Get over the wrong that TCG did to me and not be bitter about it. I can’t let what he did change the type of person I am. I want to be the same giving person I was before I meet him. It’s a challenge when dealing with someone like TCG who takes full advantage of your kindness and doesn’t give a rat’s behind that he hurt you. He completely striped me down to nothing. He always wonders why he keeps suffering losses; karma. Anyway, I would really like this to be my last post about Junior. Its been eight years. I feel it’s going to take a miracle to get over him.
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