Absolutely nothing going on in my life right now. After all the January drama I’m straight for a lifetime. I’ve learn those who are so quick to say they don’t do drama are the ones that live for it. I always feel like the best way to handle drama and bs is to not even acknowledge it. Once you say something it keeps going and going. I like to have a little excitement but I’m not with boyfriend/girlfriend/baby momma he say/she say mess. So much stuff gets said, some many lies get told and for me I try to separate myself as much as I can. Nobody can tell you Nay said anything cause I don’t tote gossip from person to person. Half of what I hear I forget because it’s of no interest to me. If it ain’t about me or my kids I’m not interested. I definitely don’t discuss my personal life with people. I have a couple of people that I talk to but even they don’t get the whole story. Only God knows me. People be on some real childish stuff. People really messed up in the head about life. I see stupidity everyday on the social networks. Simple–minded people are the problem with the world. Our morals and values have been tainted by all the negative things we’ve encountered in our lives. Cheating on your significant other is some common now. Because of the cliché a lot of men get away with it. Like it’s expected of them and they get a pass just because they’re men. As a woman I have to be a certain way to be considered wifey material. We should hold men to those same standards. They will never truly respect us if we continue to believe “oh, he’s just being a man”. Seems like every person I deal with always has something to say. They call it constructive criticism but when you don’t have your life together how can you tell me what I need to do. Junior did it, TCG did it and it irritated me. Everyone has flaws. I know I do so I don’t point out other people’s flaws. I would be out of line telling them what they need to do. If I ask you for advice, that’s different. I always get in these moods when I want to cut people completely out of my life. I’m so tired of disappointment. I keep saying I can’t handle another let down but I set myself up for it every time. #1 problem is dealing with guys who has somebody or either emotionally unavailable. Can’t get “picked”. That weighs heavy on me. I’m thinking what is wrong with me. What do I do? That white girl/dingy comment got me wondering if that what turns guys off. I really didn’t know it was that bad until TCG said it then his homeboy said it. He didn’t even know TCG had said the same thing. I know Junior used to give me hard time when I’d be confused about something. He thought I was being funny but I honestly would be lost. He used to get so mad at me. When ever he called me a bitch he was extremely pissed. He would always say stop acting like you don’t know like you really that stupid. I felt he expected me to read his mind or something. If you don’t tell me I don’t know. Actions don’t speak loud enough sometimes. Especially with guys because they don’t express their feelings like women do. Anyway I’m done with boys for right now. I just need a break from it all. I know it’s not good to isolate yourself but I can’t handle dealing with people. My expectations are too high. When I don’t get what I want I get disappointed. So to keep that from happening it has to be me, myself and I. I’m not giving up on love though. I could never let go of something I want so badly. Waiting for the right one. I thought I needed an “in the meantime” but I’m not good at that either. TCG didn’t want to be in a relationship so he said I don’t believe that. I think he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. He was talking to other girls. I felt like one of those chicks was in the running for that top spot. I wasn’t even considered an option. That hurt me. It goes back to my worthiness. I think I deserve better but men don’t see that. My bad choices are why I’m never in the running. When we started dealing again I lied to him and told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship. At the time I didn’t want a relationship with him because of what happened before. The more time we spent together I felt differently. I know it was only because I got used to him being around. It wasn’t really about him. He has a lot of growing he needs to do. I hope he make it though. He has dreams and I think if he can get to where he needs to be financially he’ll accomplish them. He needs to sever ties with some people but I guess that’s impossible. I know love is strong but when your freedom/life is on the line it’s time to let go. Still in shock that “it’s all good” now. How he found forgiveness I’ll never know. It’s not an option for me. I’m done. He’s no friend to me. I expected more even though I said I wasn’t looking for it. I expected his loyalty. He striped me down to nothing just like that last time. I just wanted reciprocity. Anyway I can focus on other things in my life. I need a part-time job but that would interfere with my relaxation schedule. I’m not trying to let anything come between me and good rest. I read that people who go to bed early aren’t as smart as people who stay up late. I guess that’s why I’m feeling incompetent when it comes to my job. I went in on that lady last week. That’s been a long time coming. She runs her damn mouth too much. Stuff that she shouldn’t even be concerned with. I told her I didn’t like the way she came at me about some bs I wrote on a piece a paper when I just told her how stressed I was. How I feel people always riding me about the stuff I do wrong. It wasn’t that serous and I’m thinking if anyone else had seen it they would have kept it moving. “That’s none of my business” My point it don’t talk about me unless you talking to me. A week ago yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my daddy’s death. Still haven’t went to visit his grave. It’s not that I don’t think about him. I do all the time especially when we had that lil party for my momma. I deal with his death a lot easier than Robin’s. Robin was snatched from my life. All I can think about is that she’s gone and we supposed to be having good times together. When I hang out with Metia I can’t help but wish Robin was with us. I want my good times to be with her. I want to reminisce on our high school years. We have so many memories together. That trip to Kingstree and Lake City is always on my mind. Everyday I wish I could feel how I felt that night. The music was banging and my whole body was vibrating. It was awesome. We were good for stealing tapes out of people cars too. We loved music. Riding around in the Grand Prix blasting whatever was hot. My daddy was ready to go. He was ready to see his friends that have gone before him. I know he’s smiling right now, happy. That’s what I wanted for him peace and happiness. It hurt but he was hurting as long as he was here. I knew his pain. I hope he has a better understanding now. He didn’t understand why he was in that nursing home. He thought he was in there cause he did something wrong. Even though I explained to him he needed to be where someone could take care of him around the clock I still think he thought it was punishment. Wish I was in a position where he could have stayed with me. Robin has been gone for ten years. I’m ok but I still rather her be here. Everyday my world seems to get smaller and smaller. A certain person was talking about me to someone who doesn’t like me. I felt some type of way about them too. Much respect and loyalty and they talk about me. They made it more than what it was, like I’m the bad guy. I was a little hurt by those actions but it’s like I said the ones who claim they real are the real fake ones. All talk. I ain want to hear nothing from nobody. I’m just gon chill off in my own lil world. Staying 10 and 2. I might come out from time to time. I actually enjoy staying home. I get lonely sometimes but as long as I got a lil something to sip I’m good. God said wait so I’m waiting.
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