bored.com

At the track

I have nothing specific to write about but normally once I start the words seem to flow so I’m going to try and get decent post out of this. I email Junior all the time. He usually ignores me but over the weekend he sent a response. I told him how much I’m hurting and I guess I deserve it for the way I treated him. He said it’s nothing personal he held against me. So for me it means that he’s not with me because he doesn’t love me anymore. I feel what I’m getting is payback for dogging him. I still can’t grasp the fact that he doesn’t love me. I know he don’t want to be bothered with me but every week I’m sending a “❤❤❤”email or text to him. I keep saying I’m going to leave him alone but it’s so hard. I think about him all the time. When I think about him I want to reach out to him. It’s like I know he’s going to tell me no so that’s why I do it. That’s a habit I always had. Like I love being rejected or something. It’s crazy but that’s what love does to you. I was doing really good holding out. I didn’t want to be with anyone because I feel no one is worthy of my love. Not even Junior to be honest but he gets a pass because I love him so much. I was waiting and holding out but with Junior it wouldn’t make a difference. The trust is gone and even if he wanted to be with me he’d never trust me. I think he takes some of the blame. I guess that’s why he doesn’t hate me. I hope he believes that if things were different, I would have been what he wanted. All my mistakes have led me to being alone. No one to love and no on to love me. I never expected life to be this way. I feel I have no way to change it; I can’t make someone love me so I feel powerless. The email that got Junior’s attention was the one I sent about payback. He needed me to elaborate on that. I think about revenge because I’m hurting. I want him to suffer too. I want everybody to suffer. What would it solve? I still wouldn’t have him. I believe that he may come back to me one day and revenge would ruin my chances for good. I still think Junior is the love of my life. Listening JayZ “Holy Grail” I said this song is totally me and Junior. All these years I really don’t know him. I can’t read him. He never told me anything. I think he never said anything he didn’t mean, all the trash talk and name calling included. I can’t broadcast it the way I want to but I love him. I don’t ever want to stop being in love with him. Proud to have his name tattooed on my body. Even though he doesn’t want me, he’s still perfect to me. Once again I need to find a distraction. I need a hobby. I was thinking about event planning since I love to decorate. I’d have to sit in somebody’s class. I don’t think I’d be good at online classes because when I’m home I’m lazy. I’m always planning something. I normally don’t have the resources to execute my plans. I already have good contacts as far as caterers, photographers, etc. I just need an event to plan. Hartsville doesn’t have a good choice of venues. Our class party last year was a start. If I had the money to put in it, I could have done a much better job. That’s something I’ll toy with. I did want to be a flight attendant but I love creating so event planning is more my thing. I have free time on the weekends and that’s mainly when I miss Junior the most. As lazy as I am I probably won’t even pursue it. That’s why I rather take a class. Can’t sit and obsess over love and Junior for the rest of my life. The last couple of months have been good. I’ve been to Florida twice and Myrtle Beach twice. I love Myrtle Beach. For as long as I can remember my momma would take us on day trips. Now I don’t go unless I know I’m spending the night. Anything over a two hour drive requires that I spend the night. (Lazy). I’ll go back to the beach three more times before the year ends. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise. I’m trying to get all my Jackson girl cousins together to celebrate my birthday on the beach. The weather has always been great in December. I may invite some other people besides my cousins. It depends on how many can come. I mailed the invitations because it’s important to me and I really want everyone to come. Other than my three trips to the beach I don’t have anything else planned. I’m so bitter when it comes to Hartsville people. I don’t like going out. People talk too much and you can’t trust them at all. I feel like what ever I say to anybody is between the two of us. It shouldn’t go no further but people are disloyal. You can’t assume it won’t go any further and that’s me being naïve. If I tell it, it’s because I don’t care who knows it. If I call you a friend the only time you should be saying my name is to compliment me or defend me. Pam went to Miami with me and I picked her because we are alike. We get buck wild and we don’t judge each other. I don’t want to hang out with anyone if I can’t be Nay. She’s a great wing (wo)man. She’s the closest thing to Robin I’ll ever get. I’m glad we got over our problems. I blame the other person for our fall out. He is not a good person. I’ll leave that alone because thinking about him upsets me. Wait on the Lord to handle that. As much as I would love to seek revenge, to hurt him just because he hurt me. I can’t do it. Miami was too live. We were in the hood and I enjoyed it. It brought back memories of my high school days. The dudes we came up with always provided. They were always giving. If you rolling, they got you. Those Florida boys got it going on. They do it big. We walked the South Beach strip too. All you see is Benz, Beamers and Bentley’s. Didn’t make it to the King of Diamonds but that’s cool. It was a great experience. Miami was one place I always wanted to go. Next is Las Vegas or NYC. I want to go to Italy too but that costs. Things on the home front are okay. Being a single parent is still a struggle. I need a partner to split the bills with me. Doing it alone seems to be getting harder. With two out of school I thought it would get easier but I still have to provide. I don’t have the money to do anything extra. I want to fix up and add on to my house. I want a patio with a swing and fire pit. My own (wo)man cave. So I can have some peace when I need it. My room is my refuge for now. When I get home from work I always say, “my room”. Then I wish Junior was there. He would always sit against the headboard with one leg on the bed, the other on the floor and I’d set in between. Time I walk in my room that’s what I think about. At one point I was thinking about moving to Florence. It’s still something I’m considering. There is nothing for me in the Hartsville. I don’t like the people; I just want to run away. If someone came to me right now with a decent offer for my house I’d sale it. Moving is such hard work. I’m confused; I love my house so I really don’t want to leave it. Time will make my decision for me so I’m not going to stress that.