Reciprocity Always

On my way to church 8/11/2013

I seem to always have issues with people. By people, I mean the general public not those I consider friends or family. I try my best to stay away from people. I found the more you limit yourself to certain individuals the better life seems to be. So with that being said, life has been smooth as silk these last few months. It can be a bit boring at times but I rather have boring than what’s on the other end of the spectrum. I know what type of life I’d like to have. I know it’s entirely up to me to provide the type of life I want. Right now I don’t see that happening. There is this certain part that I feel is beyond my control. I tried to talk about it last week but I really haven’t found my way through it yet. It will come to me in time as it always does. Thinking about a few people I was extremely close to and wonder why the relationships were always one sided. How can you walk away from someone who was always a friend to you? Who was always loyal and loved you purely. My faith in people has been destroyed. Right now I’m not letting anyone in my circle. I rather be safe. Safe can be unhappy but thats the choice I made. I truly can’t handle anymore disappointment.  I refuse to put myself in any situation to let that happen. I know it’s a sad existence but I’ve been burned too many times. I’m sure there will be events in life beyond my control that will happen to me. The key word is “control”. If I can control it, I will not allow it. I’ve learn over the last few weeks I have to stop stressing over things I can’t control. I really didn’t even realize I had control issues. I now know if I can’t control I don’t like it. It bothers me that I can’t control the way those “few people” feel about me. I don’t like that they don’t reciprocate their loyalty and love for me. It makes me mad but what can I do about that. Not one thing. It’s beyond my control and I have to accept it and let it go. I’ve been holding a grudge but thats them taking up space in my life they don’t deserve. That’s me holding on to negative energy. I’ll never heal from that disappointment if I continue to let it fester within me. With everything that’s happened with Junior I’m trying to learn from my mistakes with him. I don’t see myself with him or anyone else. I still have very strong feelings for him. It’s taken me some time to accept that it’s over but I’m think I’m there. At least once a week I was still trying to communicate with him. It’s been eight days since the last time I reached out. I’m trying to make it to Monday. It’s just a matter of being conscious. As long as I remember my goal I won’t reach out to him. Most of the time I did it without thinking. I should know he’s going to ignore me or reject me so I don’t know why I would set myself up. It’s crazy but I did that a lot. So for right now I want to focus more on me. Figuring out how to have the life I want. Where I want to be in the next 5 years? 10 years? I thought I knew but I change like the direction of the wind. Once it was a flight attendant. Recently I thought about event planning. I love being crafty, decorating and making things pretty. My scrapbook is something I’m really proud of. Since I’ve finished my first one, I’ve had no desire to start another one. I like working on my blog but because I want it to be based on my writing I don’t work on it much. As I said, sometimes it’s hard to get the words flowing and there are some things too personal to post. Some people may think the things I write about are already too personal but things I go through in life I know somebody can relate to. If something I say or go through can help someone else then I’m cool with that. A lot of people in this world have difficult times and feel they’re alone in their fight. I think about the girl who cries went unheard and when something horrible happened that’s when everyone decided to take notice only to paint her out to be a bad person.  I’ve tried telling Junior the seriousness of my struggles but he would always say “tighten up’. Like it’s just that easy. Sometimes people feel they are left with no choice because no one listens; no one takes the time to understand. Everyone has problems. As our friend, I’m going to let you vent. If someone trusts you enough to reach out to you I think you should do what you can to help that person. All I ever needed from Junior was his time, his ear and his shoulder. I never expected him to make my problems go away. I didn’t need him to give me advice he always seemed to want to offer. It eventually occurred to me that he didn’t care about me. If he did he would have taken the time to listen. It got to the point where he would always say, “I’ll call you back”. He later told me I was negative and he didn’t like talking to me. I told him I understood what he meant. I was looking for sympathy from him. His actions let me know he didn’t care about me. Just thinking about that crushes me. I’ve been strong so far. By the grace of God I’ve been able to hold on but at the same time it has not been easy. I find things to help me cope. Sometimes its literally moment to moment. It’s just that hard. From this I’ve learned that in the end I only have me, me and me. Lol! I don’t expect anything from anyone that I’m not willing to give myself. Reciprocity is my favorite word.

After posting that I saw this from Karrine Steffans. I love when she writes some shit. 

I have been silent. 

I haven't had much to say in the way of feelings and personal experiences because I have been in a place of confusion and subsequent stillness. 

I have made mistakes. I have hurt people. I have let the wrong people and their energies too close to me. I have been infected with carelessness and unconsciousness.

Most recently, there has been a flurry of people in and out of my life who have said and done some very hurtful, very disdaining things. They have each created cracks in my foundation and altered pieces of me that needed to be altered.

At first, they angered me but, now, I rejoice.

As each person chipped away at the me, I realized they were chipping away at the person they think I am because I have never been authentic. 

I have been embittered and hurt, I have been affected and unhealed, playing into what people beneath me wish I were, letting them think whatever they want and taking it, lying down.

For years, as strong as my persona has been, the person has been defeated. 

So, I have had nothing to say. 

I have, however, been praying and asking God to please tell me what to do –– not just today, but for the rest of my time on Earth. I prayed and I listened. Then, I prayed some more. 

I listened to my "friends" as they scolded me for not hanging out with other famous and rich people all the time. I listened to them tell me who was "hot" and who wasn't. I listened to them judging people based on their finances and success in business, or lack thereof. 

I watched those same "friends" brag and boast about private jets and nights out at nightclubs with famous friends, bottles on liquor in hand.

And I thought, there has to be more to life than this. 

I have met many people along my journey and not all them are as garish. Most of them have been living lives of purpose, full of meaning, and have been changing the lives of others for decades.

These people have been my real friends. 

Still, I have chosen not to publicize my other life and my other friends, their works, and their significance in the world. I have been giving an audience I never desired what it takes to keep them satisfied. 

Even when I am not satisfied. 

I have been feeding on the bottom and, as these phony  "friends" try to chastise me for being around the not-so-famous-and-rich, they showed themselves to be worse –– shallow. And, when I looked at their lives, at who they have helped, and what corners of the world they have changed, I came up empty.

Like them. 

Like our friendships. 

There is no book I could write for my unwanted audience that would make me feel like I was being my best self.  I cannot give them what they want without continuing to rob myself of what I need. And, the fact is, the audience I desire is at my fingertips and, with them, I can be authentic. 

With them, I can change the lives of others, as well as mine. 

Everything I have done, up until this point is empty. Everything I will do from today onward, will be full and true to my purpose and in the pursuit of my better self. I will no longer feed from the bottom, but directly from God's hand. And, I will no longer seek to appease people who despise me and whose goals in life do not match or challenge mine.  I am no longer interested in the quantity of people following me and my career, but the quality. There is a purge underway and the majority of you will be washed . And I'm okay with that.

I haven't had much to say, but I have been thinking. 

http://karrineandco.com/