Not Him Again

I really need to write but I don’t have one thing to write about. I’m tired of writing about the same things (Junior and love) all the time. I need to broaden my horizons. Seems like when I try to do that things go left. It’s safer to stay in my shell. It’s boring but I can’t handle disappointments. Right now I’m just chilling, going to work, going to church and keeping to myself. I pride myself on being drama free but Junior seems to think it’s the opposite with me. He will never understand the reason why we went though our crap is because there was too much distance between us and not enough reassurance. He can continue to blame me and as long as he holds on to the past he’ll never give me another chance. I’m not the same person I used to be. I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. It’s just a plea to him to give me another chance and I know that’s not happening. It’s crazy that I’m still stuck on him. It’s been a year. He’s moved on. He happy doing his family thing. He’s living his life and I’m still loving him. Still hoping and wishing of a life with him in it. How stupid can I be? I used to send him something every week. This week it’s been everyday. If we would have still been together we would have celebrated nine years Monday. He responded to my email yesterday. He doesn’t think love is this wonderful, amazing thing and I told him it isn’t for him because he doesn’t have it. That was what we had. He responded to say he hasn’t had an argument since. That hurt my feelings a little. He made me feel like I’m this bad person. I loved him so much. I was scared to lose him. I was insecure. I hated our time was so limited. I just wanted to be with him. I wanted to melt into him whenever we were together. Being with him was just that wonderful and awesome to me. His love is like no other. He told me a million times it was me but I couldn’t see it. Looking back it was all about me. I had him breaking all the rules. He did it because he wanted to and because he loved me. There were things he wouldn’t do though and I would whine and complain of course. My major mistake with him was seeking his attention. I’d do things on purpose (break up with him) just to get his attention. It would always backfire of course and all hell would break loose. That’s what he meant about not having an argument since. I couldn’t just ask for the time and attention because he would never give it to me. With him it was always on his time. If I said no it was like a sin and again all hell would break loose. It was rare our relationship was all about me. He loved me but he didn’t like telling me and he rarely showed me. I was always in doubt and even though I made a good case why I should get more reassurance from him and begged for it he seldom did it. I treasured every gift he ever gave me. Eventually I wasn’t good enough to receive anything special anymore. He had his reasons. I also stop buying for him too but not because I didn’t want to. He didn’t want me too. I felt some type of way about that. The only time I don’t want to receive a gift is if I don’t like that person. I don’t want to feel obligated to that person so I won’t take anything from them. I thought he may have felt that way about me. The last thing I gave him was $500. He got that just because.  So many things I wanted us to experience. Everything was always basic with us. Don’t miss understand me,  I was always happy when we were together. It’s just that there were still good times to be had with him. I really truly believe he is the love of my life. I’m still in awe over him. He’s an amazing man. His love is amazing. He cool and fly AF.  No where near average. He’s not one that blends in with the crowd. He stand outs. He’s very laid back but at the same time when he walks into a room, you immediately take notice. It’s just him, his aura. I was proud to called him “my man”. I always told him he belonged to me. I wasn’t the only one that swooned over him. Some chicks needed to be checked. It wasn’t much I could really say but some how they got the message. I didn’t play about that one. I never had a problem with him disrespecting me either. I do believe he was a major flirt. I only had an issue with him once in our almost eight years together. Him caking on the phone with some chick. He was good at keeping secrets though. Til this day I don’t know if there was anyone besides me but I didn’t put it pass him. For my readers I know y’all saying “not him again” but for me that’s all there is. About to make this move and relocate to Florence but other than that I’m quiet.

The Love of My Life