Gotta Get It Together

I didn’t have a good evening yesterday. The day started out good but by the time I got home I was feeling horrible. I did it to myself as usual. I called Junior at least five different times yesterday. I guess I’m still in denial about the status of our relationship. I just wanted to talk about my weekend. I know he went to the Hard Knock Life concert back in 99. I remember him telling me stories about Jay being in his town back in the day. I just wanted to ask him about that. Anyway he didn’t answer his phone for me. I can only imagine him looking at his phone saying “I wish she leave me alone”. The same thing I do when folks call me that I don’t want to be bothered with. I be looking like “WTF are you calling me”. I keep it real though, I let people know what’s up with me. I don’t have time. Like Jay said, “Once you’ve had filet mignon, it’s kind of hard to go back to hamburger helper”. You got to be something special for me to give you a second glance. I’m not all that but I know what I have to give and I know my worth. My love is too good for some fool he won’t appreciate it. I go through so much hurt because of these feelings I still have for Junior. I don’t know what to do. I try to let go. I try to not think about him. It’s so hard. It takes minute by minute. It’s a struggle to not call and reach out. I want to be with him. I think about how happy I would be just to be in his presence, talking to him, and him holding me. He always held me. I don’t want to feel these feelings for him because it’s hurts so much to want something you can’t have. I don’t wish unrequited love on anyone. I want to be angry with him but it’s not his fault. He’s doing the exact same thing I would do. It’s my problem not his. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can continue to pray to get over it. I need a miracle right now. I was doing good until I went to Charlotte. The last time I went was because I thought I could get some time with him. It didn’t work out the way I had planned. Then seeing Jay didn’t help. I always said Junior is the closet thing JayZ I’ll ever get. I’m so desperate for his attention it’s just stupid. A 40 year old woman with the thrust of a 20 year old dumb bitch. I’m ashamed but at the same time it’s love. It’s what I feel and I’m always going to be 100 about the way I feel. Too many times the truth goes untold. Love is lost cause pride gets in the way. That will never happen with me. I went a whole month with out reaching out to Junior. I was proud only because for that whole month I wasn’t chasing behind him knowing he didn’t want me. The things we do when we in love...I don’t know why I never thought of emailing Ayana Ellis before. She has the ability to read men and their actions very well. I feel I can give good advice when it comes to love and relationships as well but if I’m the one seeking advice I don’t think rationally. I told her about my situation with Junior and she said the fact that he’s ignoring me is reason alone to let him go. I knew that because that’s what I do to people I don’t want to be bothered with. I thought I could get some help with how to get through the hurt easier. I wanted so remedy faster than time. I have no options. I’m going to continue to hurt until time heals my wounded heart. I got to suck it up and keep it moving. She said I’ll never find a good guy as long as I’m holding on to Junior. I can’t wait for him to be mean and tell me to leave him alone. I have to let him go not knowing how he really feels. It’s been a year; all the wishing hoping and fantasizing has got to stop. Every moment I think about calling him I have to say, you deserve better than him. I have to believe there is someone just as great and better than he is if there isn’t then God lied to me. I don’t believe God does that. I know all my blessings flow from Him I’m going to try my best to restrain myself from reaching out to Junior.  I’m a woman and I can do anything. I have to move on. No turning back. Only a dummy trips over things that are behind them. Throwing in the towel again. God, please give me the strength to let it go.

BE GREAT!