Daddy's Little Girl

I can really tell that my brain doesn’t function the way it used to. I really struggle with short term memory. Things don’t come to me quick anymore. At work I get really upset because it can cause problems with my job performance. I started joined luminosity to do exercises but I eventually go t bored with it. It was helpful though. I know what’s causing my brain to decline; I’m not doing anything about it either. In the mornings my brain is fresh and I’m at my best then. My mind is all over the place when I’m in the shower. I can have the best thoughts but by the time I get to a place I want to write them down, they’re gone. This morning I was thinking about something I heard on a tv show. The lady talked about how her husband drank himself to death after their daughter was murdered.  I started thinking about my daddy. I don’t know exactly what issues he was having that started him to drinking but I know when my momma left him that’s all he did. Even though it was his own fault, losing her devastated him. There was nothing else for him to live for and things never really got any better for him after that.  I thought being in the nursing home was when he really gave up but he had given up long before then. He was just waiting on the end. I realized how similar my life is to his. Because of the things I did to Junior I lost the love of my life. I’m so hurt and I really feel like there is nothing else. Junior was no ordinary love and I can’t see finding anyone like him. I’m hoping for love but it won’t be like it was with Junior. I was comparing my grandmother’s broken heart to mine but it’s my daddy’s broken heart that I have. Our stories are alike. In my heart I’m done with it all. There is no point for me anymore. I’m just here waiting on time. I’ve had the Ouiser attitude about life for the last seven years. I know it’s selfish of me. I justify it by saying life hasn’t been good to me. Mistakes and bad choices are all I’ve known. Sad thing is a lot of my choices I put much thought into and still it was the wrong choice. I love life but I’m really not good at it.  Now I try to stay away from responsibility as much as I can. I'm a people pleaser and will beat myself to death over things I can't control. I try not to put myself in any situation where I'll end disappointing someone. I don't want to owe anyone anything out of loyalty or friendship. I give so much and I maybe giving to the wrong people which is why I never get anything in return. I'm thinking doesn't it really matter though. As long as I give. I tell myself I'm going to be the same sweet, giving person I am. I'm not going to let how people treat me make me bitter. I still wear my smile in spite of the hurt and discouragement I feel sometimes.