Ain't No Love

I’m so sick of people thinking depression is something you can just shake off. If you’ve never been through it, how do you know what it’s like. Depression is a constant hurt that goes deep within the core of your being. It affects everything you do, every decision you make. It’s bigger than you. It’s always there under the surface and any one thing can cause it to rise to the top. Everyone with depression has their own way of coping. I think the majority of people chose bad coping mechanisms because they probably don’t even realize they are depressed. If you don’t know it you can’t control it. And even then dealing with it can be difficult. The more aware you are of your feelings the better you are able to deal with how you handle upsetting situations in your life. I’ve learned I have to figure out exactly why I’m feeling a certain way. What is it that I’m really mad about? Sometimes I’m pissy and I don’t even know why. In order to fix it I got to know what’s causing it. I’m either thinking through it or writing through it. I have to work it. Music has helped me get through many bad times in my life. Music is what feelings sound like. I be so into my feelings and music helps me with expressing myself. I can’t just let stuff sit within me. That’s negative energy and that’s not what I want to give to people who interact with me. I see so many people struggle with depression. So many people with the means of getting help but they’re in denial about their issues. Some worry too much about what “people say”. It takes courage to admit you have issues. It takes strength to seek help for your issues. Call me crazy all you want but crazy to me is knowing you’re not healthy, ignoring the signs and symptoms then letting the stress eat away at you. When I was diagnosed, I said to the doctor that I always considered myself to be a strong person. He said that’s why so many people don’t get help because it’s not about being strong. Sucking it up is covering it up; the problem is still there. I felt relieved too. I get tried of being strong all the time and hiding the hurt, covering up pretending everyrthing is all good. Nobody really wants to hear your sob story so you smile and put on masks. Faking it and fronting til you get home and then you breakdown. I think it’s important to have someone in your corner. That person who listens, understands, and doesn’t pass judgment. Someone who genuinely cares about your well being. Someone who can tolerate you right and wrong; good and bad; that’s a true friend indeed. I don’t have that so I cope. Listening and understanding are two very important things to in a friendship. So finding that friend can be difficult. Now if a person comes to me and say they are depressed give them the ear and the shoulder they looking for. Sometimes thats all a person needs.  Little things that go a long way. I know what it's was like to feel like there is no one there for you. There have been times I've reached out to people for help and all they would do was ignore me. The people I reached out to I thought cared about me and to be rejected and brushed off was hurt on top of hurt. You have family and friends but for me its the connection and I can't just share intimate details with anybody. I need to know the person I'm talking to understands me. You can hear me but do you feel me? Do you know where I'm coming from? Deep understanding and connecting is key. If I can't get that with you, I don't want to talk to you. Ever personal relationship in my life is a meaningful relationship. There is value in it and I genuinely like you. So when I say the word friend to you it holds weight. I got mad because someone on instagram made a reckless comment about someone I know. Knowing the person I see a lot of hurt and pain in their life. I don’t know if it’s karma or what but my thing is “why kick a man when he’s down”.  We all fall short in the eyes of God. Make sure you’re good before go you pointing the finger at someone else. We don’t know the next person’s story. The smallest thing can push someone over the edge. You can have your feelings but keep them to yourself. It’s not your job to broadcast anyone else’s life. Be considerate. I wish we could all take a second and be more compassionate. We go through so much in our every day lives and it’s harder when you have to deal with difficult people. Where is the love? If you love me, you'll be there for me. You ride or die for me.  I had been crying out for a long time but no one could hear me. Like Bey say in the end I realized I only have me, myself, and I. I'm my own best friend. I'm my own hero. I got me. 

I look at this picture of my daddy and it breaks my heart. My daddy didn't say it, maybe he didn't know it but he was depressed. He drank to cope. Once he went into the nursing home he was sober and he had to deal with whatever he had been suppressing alone. He was very confused about why he was in a nursing home. He didn't understand he needed around the clock care. I know he lost his will to live. He was separated from his friends and family. Me and my aunts would go see him but it still wasn't what he was used to. He really missed seeing his friends.  As much as I miss him I keeping saying how I'm at peace because now I know he's doesn't have to hurt anymore. He's with many friends now resting in peace.