Random May 2008

My random blog for the day: The mistakes that I continue to make.

I am 34 years old.  Sometimes I feel like I am a child living a grown ups life.  For the longest, ever since I had my first child I felt like I had taken over someone else’s life.  Clearly this is my life but for the last sixteen years I feel like I’m just filling in to whoever comes back.  I’m asking myself is that why I still make choices like I’m a child.  I’m  not the mature, responsible woman I appear to be.  I’ve known for about a year now that I hide behind masks.  I portray little of the truth in my life.   Everything people may see of me is nothing of what I really am.  I don’t even know who I am.  I don’t know my purpose in this life.  Is this all that God has in store for me.  To be a half decent mother and make mistakes.  I know whats right for me but in my ignorance I still continue to make mistakes.  Is that my purpose, to make mistakes so everyone else can judge me.  So everyone else can laugh at me and point their fingers.  I do good for awhile then all of a sudden I mess up.  Whether if its because I’m lonely or bored or mad, I mess up.  It’s like an addiction, one drink leads to two and so on.  I have back tracked, but what’s the difference in that and adding another number, I’m still messing up.  What will it take for me?  I want to do good especially for myself if not for anyone or anything else.  When I’m good it makes me feel good and so proud.  I continue to let people use me.  They lie to you, tell you they care about you, and dog you.  It’s hard because I believe the lies depending upon the guy.  There are some guys I just don’t trust at all, why I bother I don’t know.  That’s the whole point I don’t know why I do some of the things I do.  I have come to the conclusion that I’m looking for something.  It’s a indescribable feeling.  I think it’s love.  I remember getting those feelings when I was with Avalon.  I loved him so much.  Whenever we were together it was so good.  I just loved being with him.  He was always what I wanted.  Even though I would be with other guys it wasn’t the same because I wanted him.  As many times as he dumped me I always went back to him.    It was love that turned into obsession which led to depression.  I loved him with everything in me.  I remember it so well.  I don’t think I have ever loved like that in my life.  Glad to be over that.  It hurt too much.  But that feeling that I’m looking for eludes me just like that boyfriend or husband I want.  It’s not a big deal but I feel like if I had a boyfriend doing the right thing wouldn’t be so much of a challenge for me.  I want to be a good girl.  I want to be a good girl for me. That would make me so happy.  I think I sabotage my own happiness.  It's easy to blame someone else but I know I'm the reason I'm not where I want to be.