It's Been Too Long

It has been awhile since the last post. I try to write at least once a month. Life is so boring I don’t have much to write about. August is fast approaching and hopefully I’ll get to see Brooklyn around the end of the month. He called to let me know he would be visiting. I think I heard excitement in his voice. I’m really excited to see him again. I don’t want to get my hopes up, anything can happen. The last time we talked I had a good time laughing at him. He works third shift and most of the time we stay on the phone so long he’ll fall asleep on me. He was "sleep talking" so I started asking him all kinds of questions.  I asked him was he going to marry me. Would he come get me and take care of me. I told him I wanted some money. I asked him did he love me. He said yes to everything I asked me. Told me I could have whatever I wanted.  To bad he was talking out his head. I want hold his promises against him. I talk crazy when my brain tired too. Because of the distance he doesn’t want to make any plans with me. I’m hoping when he visits that will change. We were together for only a few hours; next time it will be a few days.  I’m going to take some time off since it will be during the week when he visits. I can’t wait for him to hold me again. I felt so comfortable with him. Like we’ve been together before. I guess that’s why I wasn’t hesitating about taking a chance. I didn’t second guess myself at all. I always look forward to his phone calls and I always make sure I answer no matter what time it is. I don’t ever want him to think I don’t have time to talk to him. Because he always call during booty call hours, I don’t him want to think I’m with some dude. That’s the first thing that comes to a guys mind. Before he said he wasn’t going to tell me he didn’t want me to see other people knowing he doesn’t have the right to. This last time he mentioned something about me having a man, I explained I’m very single but I’m not celibate. That’s what I choose until I find someone worthy enough, strong enough to be my man. I’m hoping it would be him. Now he wants me to hold it down for him. And I will do that for him simply because he asked. By the time he leave Hartsville he’ll be claiming me. I feel it. That night before Brooklyn got to that party, some guy called me Cinderella because I had on some 5 inch heels that sparkled and of course I was looking cute. I told him as much as I like these shoes I’d leave them there if I could meet my prince charming.  If Brooklyn and I do end up making it work that would be an awesome story to tell. I did tell Brooklyn what that guy said; he told me he was my prince. I felt he was just talking though. I never thought after all this time he would keep in touch with me. It says a lot about him that he makes the effort to call me.  I love talking to him. He makes me laugh. That’s important to me because I think I don’t have a good sense of humor. There was this other guy (I call him Carolina) who has been crushing on me since we were in elementary school. They say true love is always right under your nose so I wondered could he be “the one”. I was so dumb; I never gave a guy like him the time of day. Now that I know better I was ready but I don’t like that he isn’t consistent. He still talks about how he wasn’t popular in school. I have a problem with that. I was so into me I didn’t think or have time for anyone else. Because he mentions it so much I feel he’s holding it against me. I really had no clue that he was crushing on me. We were always friends and I was always nice to him. He should be glad because back then I didn’t mind being mean to people.  I don’t think Carolina is the one for me. He is nice but I like things simple and he’s not that. My brain can’t handle the back and forth. I really like Brooklyn but for now we are just phone friends. I’m not interested in anyone else. I really don’t have to time. Adrianna has been my priority and as I said before I think God is timing everything perfectly for me. I’m waiting patiently trusting that He will provide for me. My faith in Him is so strong because I know He has a plan for me. My steps have been ordered. Every moment I’m thanking Him because I am so blessed. When I think about how good He has been to me I’m filled with happiness and joy. I’m good, I know God got me.  I’m so ready for a change. I like my job but I think my time here is done.  There is a position opening up and they would like me to consider taking it. I said yes but after thinking about it I don’t want to put that on me. My job would be my life and I don’t want that responsibility. I’m going to have to tell them this week. I feel like they played me too. They offered it to me but at the same time they would have to find someone who knows PCUSA and that could be a problem. Because they want to combine my position with the open position and me not taking the open position I could be out of a job. I wonder how thats going to work for them. When I first got here I was ready. Isiah trained me well and was about my work. I’ve gotten too relaxed now and the savvy person Isiah created is gone. I was very confident in my skills but I got here and was put in the back seat. I don’t have the desire to reenergize my savviness. I could if I really want to but I don’t, not for them. I would for the PCUSA . I love the church.  I love what we represent. I love my job  but I don’t think the people are genuine. It seems to be better now but is that because they know they need me. I want to be honest and it's little things that make me not like them. I don't want them to be bitter towards me about my decision but I am not going to put myself in that position knowing how fragile I can be at times.  The job would be me with my head always on the chopping block.  I can’t do that to myself. I would definitely crack under pressure. I don’t want to be ghetto, projectish, show my blackness, act out of character or be ugly.  That is not of God and I don’t like being that upset because I can’t focus and function properly. If my job does end I really want to work in a hotel at the front desk or as a concierge. I am definitely about that hotel life. I would live in a hotel if I could. I love to serve. I love to accommodate. I love to make people feel special and welcomed. That’s my job, I do it well and with the prettiest smile.  I take much pride in providing great customer service. It bothers me when people working with the public have a nonchalant attitude.  I’m like; do you want me to teach you customer service skills? I will. Gladly, for free. And I will write a letter.  It’s all about principle.   It is almost time to go back to school and I’m not sure what that would mean for Adrianna. I really don’t want her in school. She has been doing so good and I think if she has to go back to school she’ll get depressed and withdrawn again. I can’t allow that. When she turns 16 it won’t be an issue but I have to deal with the right now. As her parent I have to protect her and she is so terrified about going to school. I don’t think anyone could convince her that it would be ok. What bothers me is people who don’t understand.  I’m hoping I can find a name for it. I notice a  lot of things about myself that I didn’t understand before. We struggle with the same things. Mine is work, Adrianna's is school. I got her though. That's my mini me and I'm going to do everything in my power to protect her and her brothers too.