Catch Up!

It has been so long since my last post. I’m never in the right setting. For me everything has to be perfect. Right now I’m at the library and it’s far from perfect but I need to write. So I’m no longer working I’ve been sitting home for 10 months now and I truly enjoy it. I hate not having money but the peace is so rewarding. I don’t plan to sit forever although to wouldn’t be hard to do. When I do get up it will be to get out of Hartsville. I want to work within the PCUSA and the closest opportunities are in Charlotte. I want to work for a black church where I don’t have the pressure to “always work harder”. I don’t want to have to do the extra just because I’m black. The hard part about leaving Hartsville is the security of my house. My goal was to get rid of as much responsibility as possible and now that I’ve done that life is so much easier. I don’t ever want to put myself in any situation where I’m about the lose my mind. No matter how much I try, people fail to understand that if I would have stayed at the presbytery office I would have had a nervous breakdown or maybe even dead. I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. It’s hard work. I have a child that I have neglected for so long and that job wouldn’t have allowed me to attend to her needs properly…and that child needs me. I’m trying to help her with being more independent but at the same time that’s my baby all she has is me in her corner. Dealing with her is a full time job and over time all by itself. I’m glad that I have more time to be mommy to her. Before I’d come home and be too tired to do anything. All I wanted was my bed. Right now Darren (my replacement) is feeling just what I felt working with those people. I’m glad because I can say it’s not me, it’s them. White folks can be a trip. I just don’t like those that have preconceived notions about “how black people act”. It ain’t your color it’s your character. I’ve been blessed with my first grandchild, Kashton Demarion McCray. He was born October 17, 2016. I love him like I birthed him. He is so handsome. I call him my lil Bobby Joe because he has good hair like my daddy. If he keeps it that’s lil Bobby Joe reincarnated. He had this one cute picture where he looks just like my daddy. I wanted to post it on facebook but my daddy so drunk in his picture. The depressing one I posted in a previous entry. Ironically my daddy had on a gray sweater just like Kash. I so wish my daddy was here to meet my first grandbaby; it sucks. I miss him. Cava Lee too. Damian has been an amazing father. I didn’t have my baby daddies around and helping me like he helps Kee Kee. Tim did ok in the beginning but it was rough. Moo-Moo was just absent. I do pride myself on being able to do it on my own. I feel some type of way towards women who think they “need” a man to help raise a child. If dude is there that’s wonderful but if he crappy as a father, a woman don’t need him. I’m so proud of Damian. He is a reflection on me so when he does well I feel good. Roc was lost but I think he’s getting it together now. I realized I had to leave him to do everything on his own. I do miss our closeness though. Sometimes I think he lacks respect for me because I was so passive with his dad. I feel he treat me just like his dad does, no respect. At one point I wanted him out. He left for a few days, came back and now we just coexist. I hate that but he got issues and until he is able to acknowledge that we won't have no type of relationship. I am doing a lot better emotionally. Since I left my job I haven’t had one breakdown. The pressure is gone so I’m good. I hate that people don’t understand how much other people and situations can have an effect on you. Any time I feel uncomfortable or stressed I’m removing myself if I can. I’m too fragile and glad I’m at the point where I can recognize when things aren’t right for me. The one thing I can’t back away from though is my church. Lord, I love Mt. Pisgah but we are so lost. It’s so frustrating because people are so complacent with how things are. There is never any growth, no forward movement, nothing. We are stuck. The people who are in place to do the work, ain’t working. They think they are. That vision Mr. Tony James created is crumbling and it’s sad. We were once a great church, a pinnacle in the community. All the children that were raised up in our church have moved. We have no one willing to do the work necessary to make Mt. Pisgah the church it used to be. I’m just one person and I do what I can. I’ve been defeated on several occasions but I still push....to be continued.