Here We Go...Again

I had hope my job wouldn’t make me feel anything like I did when I was at new harmony. It always has to be that one person at every job. I started bringing my oils in because one day last week I felt negative energy. I’m not sure what it was but when I came back from lunch I immediately felt bad. Bad thinking, bad feeling. My day was not good at all. With everything in me I don’t want to walk around feeling negative. Especially for no reason. Anyway, today a comment was made that my oils smelled like cheap incense. It was said out loud knowing I was only as few feet away so yes I was offended. Immediately my feelings were hurt. Thinking I got to go through this shit again. The little sneaky nasty ass remarks. I should have said if the energy wasn’t so negative I wouldn’t have to burn my expensive ass oils in this place. I did hesitate about bringing my oils in because it uses a tealight candle. The other girl said it smelled like a hair salon. Once I got downstairs I realized she blew my candle out. I felt the comments were racial. It let me know that I need to move in silence as much as I can. Everything I do will be a problem. This is where the pressure comes in at. The need to always be extra careful, right, perfect just to kept people from saying something. Pointing out every little thing you do wrong. Taking the blame for other mistakes as well. Which I have done a few times already. When it come to the phone and returning calls. The office manager is very neglectful. She will put it on me like she never got the message. I know I took messages from the meter read lady twice. The meter read lady also said how her emails were being unreturned. That has nothing to with me. Of course I’m not one to bring up people’s mistakes. But the office manager don’t mind pointing out how loud my background is when I buzz her. I didn’t say anything when she was down hear yapping with Ms. Barbara and I couldn’t hear a word my caller was saying. Like Mr. Malloy says a missed called is missed money. I can bet she’s lost him money one more than one occasion. With that “I don’t know who that is” attitude. I have to be very conscious about writing everything down. Cause I feel she’s the reason he can’t keep a receptionist. She gets frustrated with me when I take half or incorrect messages. Yesterday, I didn’t know the lady last name and she copped an attitude. I’m thinking you know you called a Teresa from Darlington county requesting information. Why you are making it hard on me cause I don’t remember her last name. That’s petty shit to me. I do admit I need to take better messages when it comes to her. She must know every detail before she takes a call. The other two don’t make it an issue. They work with me. I don’t know all these people calling. I’ve been here three months. Help me out a little damn. I knew from day one she was a bitch though. Limited interaction with her is my goal. She makes it’s difficult for me to communicate with her and it’s on purpose. But like I said I’ll be sure to maintain my notes. I also refuse to be like I was three years ago. My feelings were hurt this morning. I’ve been beaten down and made to feel like the bad guy for so long it doesn’t take much to upset me. I hate that I let them make me sad, unworthy and beneath them. I never did anything to them except be here so I don’t understand the need for the comments. Like at New Harmony I don’t want to be what white people perceive black people to be. Angry. That’s why I had such a difficult time before. I couldn’t say anything for fear of lashing out. Not being able to contain my anger.  And that by itself makes me even madder.