Just Some Thoughts

Men are so funny to me. They always trying to make you out to be something you’re not. Deon, for instance, is trying to make me a “slide through on a late night’ chick. I’m too old for that. I need companionship. He texted me last night. Of course, I didn’t respond it took me a minute to even look at the phone. It was after 12. I’m over him now. I’m over what he did to me. I’ll never forget what he did to me. I know he won’t put forth the effort to make it right. That’s my job. Even though he messed up, guys like him think its the female’s job to show loyalty and love. We got to prove to them that we’re there til the end. We always give up our power. I guess he thinks I’m just that stupid. I have been before, and I appeared to be in the beginning. I was so hurt. I really didn’t know what to do. I’m chilling, tired of getting my feelings hurt. I dreamed Ms. Margie asked me would I take Moo-Moo back. She was like, if he straightens up would you consider going back to him. I think I said yes in the dream. Moo-Moo is the same narcissistic bully he’s always been. You’d think he’d be humbler. At least not with me. No compassion. Just realized he had me apologizing for my feelings. That’s wrong in every way. Your feelings are yours and you’re never supposed to apologize for how you feel about anything, Again, giving up your power. Anyway, I shouldn't have even went there. People tend to think you’re bitter. Not hardly, just reflecting on life. I can say I’m still a little bitter about that lady from my last job. I think its only because I wanted to READ her so bad. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. She already thought I was a liar and complicated. Always something going on with me. Things I call preconceived notions about black people. Ask no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. The notes she took about me, I want to throw them in her face and call her a liar. Because I wouldn’t tell her the truth, she assumed stuff. What makes it bad is that she told everyone in the office instead of coming to me. That burned me. I said a lil something to her. Just that if she’s going to tell it, know what you’re talking about. I got sat down for that, but I got my point across. I’ve talked about this before, but it bothers me. I guess that’s one of those battles you leave for God. I had heard she was having some health issues. I don’t know details. My friend (HP) and I have been talking lately. I thought we’d probably never see each other again. I guess he misses a chick. I was supposed to see him this past Sunday, but I got sick.  Then he called yesterday but I had to ride to Darlington, which was a waste of time. Maybe he’ll call today. What I like best about him is he listens to me and I think he genuinely likes me. I often say people truly make me feel like they don’t like me, but I don’t feel like that around him. He doesn’t make me feel bad about being me. Clearly that’s a friend. I missed talking to him. I’m glad we’re back in touch. I’m still wishing and praying for a husband. Men are everywhere but I ‘m looking for something particular. I got to be completely happy. Deon did have me focused on seminary again. I’m also praying for direction. I don’t know what’s the right path for my exact goals. Just because I got a call, it’s doesn’t mean that it was to preach. No, that’s not my special gift. I guess lay school will be the best way. I wish I was still attending APA meetings. Maybe I can get to the one in CLT. I really don’t need the credit just that I attended. Any continuing education will look good. I really want these titles, but it doesn’t mean people will finally SEE me and appreciate my talents. I can do a great job all day, everyday but I’ll still get overlooked. That is such is such a problem for me. Getting picked. I guess I always feel like I’m not good enough. Always trying and wanting to prove myself. Hoping I’d get picked. Sounds like my love life too. I thought Deon chose me. I thanked him for giving me a chance to love him. NOT! A fool.