So yesterday was my first Father’s Day with my daddy being gone. The hardest part for me is knowing that I won’t see him. I’ve said so many times that I’m just so glad he’s not here suffering but not being able to see him and talk to him is hard. I was fine up until I got to church and the choir sang a song about being at the throne with God. I started thinking then. My momma came up to me during the ritual of friendship and asked if I was ok. Why did she do that? I broke down then. I’m missing him. I love him and I hate that he’s gone but I know God does not make mistakes. My momma wanted me to go out to eat with the family but I didn’t want to go. I’m glad she didn’t press the issue. I think she would have if I didn’t get so upset. I stayed home and did some much needed cleaning. It was good for me because it kept my mind off of missing my daddy among other things. I really wanted to be very selfish yesterday. I didn’t want to wish anybody Happy Father’s Day. I did to all my baby daddies and one other person. I was most sincere when I said it to Tim; everyone else I felt like I had to. I posted pictures of Tim and Damian from my first mother’s day. Damian was a week old. Tim was happy to see the old pictures. I really thought Junior would email me to check on me but he didn’t. Like always, he forgot about me. Even though we aren’t together the love just doesn’t go away like that. I haven’t even gone to my daddy’s grave yet. I actually don’t want to go. I didn’t want to go to the funeral. Being there when he actually died was already too much for me. It’s like experiencing it all over again. Maybe as time goes by I’ll get better but not right now. It hurts too much. I think about the last conversation I had with my daddy, which I posted in an earlier blog, and I know now he was preparing me. I went through all that by myself. That was the way I wanted it since Junior couldn't be there. I'm good for that. Anyway, life has to go on. RIP Daddy. I love you.
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