So I Feel Pretty

Not much at all going on these days. I had a couple of interesting days in October but nothing I have to stress over.  Thankfully everything is calm and taken care of. I don’t want to have to go through anything like that again. It’s been so long since I’ve had to deal with stuff like that until I forgot how to react in those situations. Never been good at explaining myself, never had a reason to. So that’s behind me now but because of it I decided to make a change for the better. Keeps me from getting my feelings hurt and keeps me out of drama. Because of the things that happened I have also decided that I’m done with love. It doesn’t work for me and I rather not deal with it anymore. I can’t do anything for anybody that I’m not getting in return. No more nice girl, I can’t be no one elses fool anymore. Even though I still feel love is the most beautifulest thing in the world, it’s not for everybody. I always said I wanted love while I was still young. I’m not old but I’m too old to have the kind of love that I want.  I never got my tubes tied thinking that if I did I’d find someone who didn’t have kids. I didn’t want to not be able to give him a child. I don’t even think kids are possible for me anymore. So I think my dream of finding love is all it will ever be. I think I’m cool with that now.  It was hard to accept at one point and it caused me a lot of hurt. I still stress it but I think I’m getting better about it. I truly believe in karma and a part of me feels that the things I have done in the past is the reason why I’m so lonely now. I feel people have done more wrong to me than I have to people but I can only focus on me and what I’ve done. I have tried to be more aware of doing wrong but when you don’t know the person you’re potentially hurting it’s easier to put yourself first. That’s why I always say I don’t want the responsibility of being someone’s friend. I don’t owe you anything; I’m not your friend. Now there are certain people in my life that I do feel a sense of loyalty too.  Those people are few though. My immediate family is a given. I try very had to remain loyal but honest to my kids’ fathers. I don’t get that in return from them but that’s ok. How they feel about me is not going to affect God’s decision on my day of judgment. I’m neither the friendliest person nor the meanest person. I try to be real with everyone I come in contact with. If I don’t feel I can be myself around you then I’m not going to be in your presence. I rarely talk in a room full of strangers because that can get you in trouble. When you listen, you learn. People that talk all the time think they know everything or either lying about something, that’s suspect behavior to me. You can’t listen to anyone if you’re talking all the time. One more thing I’m trying to change about me is the fact that I am too nice to people who don’t deserve my kindness. I need to direct my kindness towards people who are deserving of it. I can say it only takes one time for someone to take advantage of me. I will cut you off. I may speak but that’s it. You’re going to appreciate me or I will not deal with you. That’s all my thoughts for today. Like I said nothing going on but that a good thing. Drama free.

It's me and I'm sweet.