Still Reeling

I’m sitting here thinking through my feelings and my mind is all over the place. From where I am in life to Junior to everything that’s happened over last ten years. I’m not a happy person right now. The choices I make in life never seemed to be the right ones. Because of my choices I have to live with the consequences and that hasn’t been good. A whole lot of rejection and hurt. At the time, I’m thinking “this is what’s right for me” but it never works out the way it’s supposed to. Not even the simple things. I get so mad because sometimes it not always my fault but I’m the only one that stands up and takes responsibility. Why is it always like that in relationships? As an example, I’ve been cheated on me numerous times in one relationship. I cheated as well. When I got caught he took me back. I thought it was out of love but later I learned it was because he knew what he was doing. He couldn’t dump me because he was just as guilty as I was. He told me when he caught me cheating that was the beginning of our end. He didn’t look at me same. I was damaged. There is always a double standard. A man can cheat and once he’s forgiven its over but if a woman cheats, she maybe forgiven but it’s never forgotten. It’s like the “scarlet letter” on her chest and it stays with her through out the whole relationship. No matter how many times I’ve been hurt by Junior it can never compare to the hurt that I caused him. We both hurt but some how the hurt I caused him is just too much to get over. I’m tainted, damaged. I’m not worthy anymore. He cuts me off and that’s it.  Its over we’re done. I’m nothing to him anymore. He puts all the blame on me. My love for him is so great that nothing he has ever done to me can make me not want be with him. I want him to come clean and admit that he didn’t love me. His reason for not giving me another chance isn’t because of me it’s because he just doesn’t love me. I rather him tell me that than make me feel like it‘s all my fault. I messed it up; I ruined all possibilities of us getting back to good. At the end of the day he knows damn well what the issue was. Why place the blame on me? He’s just looking on the surface. With a man you can’t tell them nothing, whatever they say that‘s it. It’s the final word. I could never win in an argument with Junior. I don’t think I’ve ever won an argument with any man. It’s always their way.  I can admit sometimes I don’t even bother. Men are ignorant and stuck on their beliefs. No matter what we say or what we do nothing will ever change the thought process of a man. This double standard crap will never end. “It’s the law”. Now I know what to look out for. I know I want a man who can admit when he is wrong. That’s important to me. Only a real man will assume responsibility when he is wrong. In all my relationships I’ve let the blame be placed upon me when it’s really not my fault. If a man is man enough to say he messed up that is huge. A man’s pride is all they have and pride sometimes will not let them admit when they are wrong. I need someone who can take the time to think through all the petty crap to figure out what’s really important. What’s right, what is good. Junior was the most difficult person to communicate with and I never understood why. I’m still trying to figure out things he’s said to me. I’d be so clueless and what really gets me is if I ask him to break it down for me make it simple so a two year old can understand it he won’t do. Women may bring drama but men make things harder than what it really is because they don't how to communicate. I’m quick to wave the white flag when it’s not worth fighting over or I know I can’t win. I have a white flag in my hand now. I know life is what you make it but the things that are beyond my control is what I get so upset about. I’m stuck; I don’t know what to do. I’m back to existing. What’s this life for? I'm so lost. I thought Junior had some feelings for me. I don’t know why I thought he loved me. Love wouldn’t have let him leave me. He can blame me but that’s the real reason why he won’t take me back. I called him a liar and I think it pissed him off a little. He lies by omission. There is a lot that he won’t say but to me it’s all the same. He ain’t man enough to tell the truth. I think he’s scared of what I might do. I’m hurt but I’m not wishing what I feel on anyone else. I don’t think it’s fair but it’s nothing I can do about it. My love didn’t carry enough weight. It’s an abundance but it wasn’t enough.