What's This Life For

                                                     

I’m always thinking about my life. My purpose, the plan God has for me. I’m so clueless about what that is. There is still a huge void in my life that needs to be filled. I don’t know if it’s finding real love or living “that life” I fantasize about, the life JayZ often raps about. I always pray for God to bless me with one or the other. I’ve always been about love. Love rules everything around me. Money is nice. I love spending it but if I had to make a choice, love would always win. It goes a long way and its worth can’t be measured. I’ve been wishing and waiting on love for so long. I haven’t given up hope. I know I’m worthy. I have a lot to offer, intangible gifts. I have a “giving” personality and I like to please others. It makes me feel good doing something nice for someone who is worthy, appreciates and reciprocates. It’s so hard to find genuine people. I never really put much thought into people in your circle having hidden agendas but it happens. People actually assert themselves in your life just to keep up with what you doing. Ain nothing going on over here but the rent. You can get in on that if you want to. I swear I hate doing it alone. So Saturday night I go to the bar in Florence and of all people my crush walks in. I’ve stalked him so much in the past I couldn’t approach him. I didn’t want to come off like I’m desperate. It really didn’t matter though because men believe if a girl is out she’s looking to get fucked, ignorant bastards. I’m thinking this has to be fate. This is a sign. I’m here, you’re here lets do this. He didn’t say anything to me. The guy he was with tried to come at me but I shut him down. My crush had his eyes on a “Becky”. She was just that too “Plain Jane Becky” I felt some type of way because he rejected me but I can’t be mad; he likes what he likes and it’s not me. Here I am, in the open ready for love. I’m ready for sustenance to my life. I feel like I’m just here. I’m wandering, lost trying to figure out my purpose. Why am I here? It has to be more to life than this. I want to experience, I want to live. I want to have a genuine circle of friends who adore me as I adore them. I want to have birthdays and holidays with them just like my family. I want to bond, I want to connect with someone. I want to have love in my life. Whether its genuine friends or genuine love, I want it. I say over and over I can’t imagine living and not experiencing love. It blows my mind, brings me to tears as I type this. I look at people around me and I never thought I’d be alone. The thought of dying and not experiencing the one thing I love the most. How not fair is that. Even right now in my loneliness people probably think I got somebody. As I was leaving the bar Saturday night, I heard someone say “you’re leaving; alone.” I quickly said, “Always”. Even though I don’t like being alone I don’t need to be with someone. I want that love and attention but I want it in the right way.