Random Notes

My boss heard me tell my momma that I got so much work done today because a certain person was not here.  I didn’t mean for her to hear that but she did. I did not apologize for it because it is the truth and I let her know I’ve felt that way since day one. She told me that it’s not okay but I don’t care.  I have a legitimate reason to feel the way I do. If she wants to talk about it we can. I’m not backing down from nobody. It’s crazy how being around a certain person effects your energy.  Even the way a room is set affects me. It really determines how I function. I’m a little mad because what I said isn’t all that bad and I know there have been things said about me. So my question is, did she tell her it wasn’t okay? 

I had my hopes up to see Brooklyn over the weekend. He didn’t make it but he did call me. We talked two nights in a row for a total of five hours. I was so upset when I realized he wasn’t in town I really didn’t want to talk to him. As our conversation went on I felt a little better. We never have short conversations and I think that’s a good sign. It makes feel like he enjoys talking to me. I love that he makes me laugh.  I love that we are getting to know each other. The one thing that bothers me about him is he doesn’t believe me when I say I’m single. I’ve told him time and time again I am very single. I’ve told him how I feel about him. I want to date him.  I want to marry him. He sent me a picture back in October and he said he told me to delete it. I don’t remember that but when I told him I still had it he took that to heart as if I lied to him. Unknowingly, I did delete it. I don't think that's good enough for him though. He told me he can't stand a liar so I know not to cross that line. I will carry myself as if we are dating because I'm not going to do anything I don't want him to know about.

So it is official. Brooklyn is not the one for me. He told me I was in denial. I told him I wasn’t. I thought if we were able to spend some time together I could get him to change his mind about settling down. That is a mistake that I make all the time. For a guy who just wants to hook up he calls a lot just to chit chat. Guys like that only call when they want something. He so far away; I would expect to hear from him if he’s in town.  Then there is the recent phone conversation when he told me he loved me. He’s mentioned before that he loves me; I took that to mean he genuinely cares. I think that all it is to that.

Brooklyn and I aren’t a couple but we be going back and forth as if we are. I told him I was going to be trying to catch the bouquet at my nephew’s wedding.  He made it very clear to me that he did not want to get married. Not in the exact words but he said all he want to do is have casual sex.  I told him if that was what he wanted that was fine. I want to be in a relationship. We mutually decided that there was no point in us talking because we want different things. I was disappointed but I wasn’t mad at him. He had already told me this before but I thought I could change his mind.  I felt that once distance wasn’t an issue I’d have him wrapped around my finger.  The problem with that is he wasn’t making any type of effort to come see me. For me money is an issue. If I could I would have been went to see him. Realistically, he has to pursue me. Anyway once we agreed to stop communicating I felt like finding love was a wrap for me. He is the last person I will try with.  It’s too exhausting and it hurts too much. I hate the rejection; it happens too much It seems like everyone has somebody expect for me. I feel like the loneliest person in the world at times. I just want to be loved. It’s unbelievable how hard it is. A few weeks went by and Brooklyn calls, he asks why I answered my phone. I asked why are you calling if you don’t expect me to answer. I was curious and assuming at the same time. This has got to be a good thing. He called to tell me he would be coming to see me soon.  I took that to mean he doesn’t want to end our- whatever we are. He made it clear he wants to see me. He missed talking to me, hearing my voice. He said I do something to him. To me that is best compliment ever. We haven’t seen each other in almost a year and I have an effect on him just from talking to him. When we’re talking he’s always saying he wishes he was here, I was there. Since that phone call I haven’t talked to him. It’s only been a week.  I really can’t hang onto his every word. I think he just be talking. He doesn’t believe much of what I say so I guess we even.  I don’t think he knows what he wants. 

I think this fits perfectly with me and Brooklyn.  I don't have to get married but I want to relationship

Folks are quick to say “Don’t take advice from a woman that can’t keep or doesn’t have a man.”
Well let’s think about this for a second.  Do we know why she doesn’t have a man? Do we know for sure that she can’t keep one?
All we know is that she is currently single but surely she has some advice to share if she is a woman of age right?  Who’s to say that she hasn’t learned from her mistakes that caused her to be single and wants to share it with others?
Why do folks equate being single with being “unwanted”  “undesirable” or “unknowledgeable”  of how to keep or get a mate?  I never really understood when people said that.
Now I can understand folks saying “Don’t get your hair done by a bitch that has bald spots.” Okay that makes sense but anyway …
Another saying that kind of grinds my gears is when folks say “Don’t play the role of a wife if you’re just a girlfriend.”
Riddle me this, how the % (*)%#_%^ can you become a wife without showing your mate that you have the potential to be one?
You can not apply for a job without a resume so how can you apply for the role of wife without showing your skills?
I bet the woman who made that up did everything from lick the bottom of her mans boots to serving him plates of food while he’s riding a fucking motorcycle going 90 mph running alongside him trying to spoon feed him her mamas famous collard greens and now that she has fought tooth and nail and done everything under the sun to get a ring and become his wife she wants to talk down on “girlfriends,” like she ain’t never been one.
Don’t listen to that shit ladies.
And if it’s a man that’s saying this nine times out of ten he’s probably an ex womanizer that had enough of fucking women over and has finally settled down now he wanna talk shit and downplay all the women in the world who hasn’t gotten proposed to yet.
At the end of the day, when you get your man you do what you have to do to keep him interested in the relationship, whatever that may be and whatever works for you and him.  Love him, respect him, make him smile, make him feel good, be his friend, his buddy, his best man.  Make him laugh, enjoy him, build with him, be there for him, cater to him, take care of yourself, be desirable, lovable,  in tune with you and most of all ENJOY doing all of these things and naturally if your man wants to be a husband he will be.
But if he doesn’t see himself with you for the long term or doesn’t see himself as a husband, you can somersault on that dick while frying chicken and giving him a haircut he will not marry you or anyone for that matter.
But when you are in a relationship, the worse advice someone can give you is to not give your all until you get a ring.  To not enjoy pleasing your man and doing all the things that you want to do from your heart because “You ain’t his wife.”
Relationships aren’t rocket science, either they wanna be with you and marry you or not.  No need to play games.

By Ayana Ellis