Ready For Change 2017

So much has went on but because it’s just too embarrassing I’m not going to write about it in my blog. I have been trying to get out of my feelings. I love feeling, I’m a deeply feeling person which happens to be the problem. Because I feel, I care and every little thing matters to me. I have always known my worth but because I love to give so freely it has been hard for me when it comes to relationships. I know what I want in a man. I know what he needs to bring into the relationship. I'm waiting for the right man to find me but at the same time I feel my heart still belongs to Junior. I know God is not going to bless me with what I’m looking for if I still have feelings for Junior. I also know that I won’t get over Junior if I don’t have a consistent distraction. I believe it’s the challenge. It’s has always been about the challenge; I want him so badly because he doesn’t want me. If Robin were here she’d tell me that. "You don’t love him". I’d be with him, eventually I’ll get bored and maybe it’s on to the next one. That was the high school me. I’ve said many times the love that I have for Junior is real. Oh yes, that's my man, type love. It’s been 13 years. It won’t go away. (in my Monica voice) It’s the love that he gave me that got me still in awe over him. I have to make myself not think about him. If the right person comes along. Someone willing to put in some work with me I know I can put Junior behind me. I want to move forward. Right now I just feel stuck. I've been chilling lately. Also working on being closer to my Lord and Savior. I love Him so much. I am so blessed and thankful. His favor has been upon me and I can't express how much I love Him. I have been leaning on Him really hard this week. I can say that I am good though. Loving life and wearing my smile.  It’s Father's Day weekend and in the past I have been a bit selfish because I don't have my daddy anymore. Tim is the only one that I may acknowledge. He is good people to me. He still treats me like family. Avalon is very distant. I try to connect with him but he is aloof.  Sometimes I try, sometimes I don't. I get so discouraged with him. Just like his daughter. They act just alike. Hard work.

I was thinking all these guys out here looking for a girl to be honest with them. When she is they can’t handle the truth. When they lie, they cut you off, like there was never any love there at all. They be so quick to say a woman doesn’t know what she wants when it’s them who are the confused ones. No dude will ever make me out to be crazy. I’m not the fool you want me to be. The strong woman who isn’t up for games or bull crap. If I’m dealing with you, don’t ever tell me to get out of my feelings. Don’t ever tell me “you got to play the game”. I will politely cut you off. I’ll speak cause I don’t dislike you. You aren’t on my level of intellect. People got me pegged all wrong. I don’t open up because people don’t understand me. They definitely don’t understand my situation. They see me as desperate and willing to give anyone a chance who will give me the time of day. If that were true, why am I single. I’m very selective. I’m waiting for the right one to find me. It might be kind of hard since I don’t get out much. A part of me don’t even know if I’m ready. I know if the right guy came along and he’s treats me good, I’d be like Junior who. Thankful for the day when I can truly say I’m so over him, as I did with Avalon. At one point I thought I was. I don’t know what I was feeling or why I thought Junior was behind me. Realizing I was over Avalon was the best feeling in the world. But the feelings I had for him transferred over to Junior. There was no break. It went from one relationship right to the other. That’s not good.