Can I Live?

FATHER'S DAY WEEKEND

Been wanting to write electronically for a minute. Nothing much going on a usual. I’m finally serious about looking for a job. There are things I want to do and I need a car. I’m fully dedicated to working in the Presbyterian Church USA. I’m going to do whatever I need to do to get the knowledge, so I can get the status. Unlike some people, I’m going to earn mine. I feel like I have the talent now but because I don’t have the paper to go with it so I’m overlooked. Eight years at the Presbytery office was the best learning ever. That alone makes me qualified. I hate it but that’s how it is. I promise people make me feel unworthy. I don’t know how but somewhere I lost my independence. I think it’s because I’m not working. I keep trying to tell people how free I feel. I’m not up at night worried about providing for my child or crying about bills. It’s not the ultimate financial freedom but it feels good to me. I’m not good with stress or pressure and now that I’m not working everything is good. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. My youngest is about to be 18. I need to start thinking about my next chapter. Focus on what I want. I feel like a kid sometimes. I can’t do what I to do. I get mad about that. It’s always someone else’s way. Limited freedom and I’m 44 years old. Job and a car going to change all that. I need some time away. Columbia Theological Seminary is the plan.  I said I want to come back to Hartsville because I love my church. I want to carry on the legacy Dr. James started. I want to make my Elders before me proud. I really look up to them. Mt. Pisgah could be as good as it once was if the FOG was followed. I clearly like things to be done decent and in order. 

Father’s Day has passed. I still some a little selfish because I miss my daddy. I do think I am better than I have been in the past. My family went to Golden Crown to celebrate my granddaddy. He used to like to eat there. I got to see Tank’s boys.  Lil Tank is still the same. Quiet and to himself; laid back. That Ayden is something else. He got Tank and Audra in him. He has so much personality. I could see that when he was just a baby. He has the most beautiful smile but don’t let the cute face fool you. I hate my nephew can’t see his boys grow up. That’s the hardest part about him being gone. I was thinking about my daddy before he went into the nursing home. I feel awful I didn't let him do what the wanted. Now, I fully understand how he felt. He wasn't happy but he was like let me do me. He felt he lived his life and when his time came he would be ready. He wanted his liquor, his cigarettes and his friends. I was focused on him living. I regret denying him. I don't think he was ever mad at me for that cause I know my daddy got a drink from somewhere. All those people that used to come by his apartment somebody looked out for my daddy. I feeling the exact same way he felt. Unlike my daddy, I still have stuff to do. I want to do it my way, like, Can I Live?